Competitive Spirit

Have you ever wondered how Siamese twins self isolate Antoinette? Me either. 

Well boys and girls times are getting pretty tame around here. What with all the couch sitting, pie hole stuffing, and binge watching shows you didn't even know existed a few weeks ago the herd has grown weaker. Which, btw, is exactly what we don't need at the present time. We need to strengthen the herd, inoculate the populace,  expose ourselves to the harsh realities that have tempered our iron will and MAG! What we need to do is restore our competitive spirit. Why had we never heard of all those inane shows on TV, Amazon, Netflix, Skinemax, etc (well maybe you heard of that last ones🙈)... it's because we are Americans...we were watching, playing or dreaming about sports🛌🐟😴! In fact not just sports made for TV, but any competitive situation. It's competition that makes you tough, builds your ego, strengthens your resolve and tests your abilities. Like Bluto said,"when the going gets tough.............................. the tough get going." Afterall, it wasn't over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor." Now hear me out... I'm on a roll. As any good American (and you know who that leaves out) we like to compete over literally everything. Unfortunately, our competitive drive has devolved to singular competitions on our phone with crosswords, soduku, wordscapes, e.t.c. Now I know there are some of you out there who consider trolling on social media and pretending to know caca💩 everyone knows you're too stupid to know counts as competition as usual, but refer to the above parenthetical non-Americans🤫. Besides, they're used to self isolating in the basement. In fact they are so good at it their social life isn't dependent on anyone ever being there. They like to take matters into their own hands so to speak. What's more is if they ever did venture outside, the competitive law of the jungle would just mean they would get eaten first by the lions🦁. Then probably regurgitated🤮, but hey... hyenas gotta eat too. Hairy palms aside the rest of us good Americans need to get back in the saddle and ride to where we're most comfortable... competitions with real stakes🏇. Remember, we are so good at this we have learned to bring competition down to single words. Shotgun! Dibs! First! Ante! And my personal favorite... drink!🍺 

And lots of two word challenges as well... prove it, make me, I bet, wanna see, and of course the famous two word end of discussion when you're tired and just ready to throw down...F-you🖕! Now my solution for this is obvious and will give you enough social distancing space to satisfy the most shrill of M/GSDSJW's (masked/gloved social distancing social justice warriors)... first if you live in Virginia play golf🏌️‍♂️ like usual because hey we aren't stupid like Terps🐢 nor teetotalers like the Pennsylvanian I Didn't Know the Whole State was Amish sect👴👵. Second if you're in Virginia... play golf, and bet on your round with your fellow normal Americans🇺🇸. And third, if you're in Virginia play golf, bet, and chug a beer🍻 every time someone makes birdie if you're good... cheers, par if you're ok🍻... cheers, and every hole if you stink... drink up, cheers🍻... because you might as well enjoy your round. Remember boys and girls... there are three things you don't have to be good at to enjoy... golf🏌️‍♂️, fishing🎣, and the horizontal mambo👄😉. For that matter any angled mambo is included! Now for those of you who don't have access to a golf course or no clubs... then I suggest you take the one competition that travels better than any other...betting. We're Americans we bet on everything...we bet on the Gatorade at the superbowl, the length of the National Anthem, and if the AOC could spell cat if you spot her the C and the A.🤔 And since we want to be socially aware I suggest you do three things to ensure your home based betting is fun and safe... stock up on alcohol🍾🍷🍸🍹🍺🍻🥂, keep your gathering to 10 bettors, and center your fun around a beer pong table... that's 8 feet M/GSDSJW's. What better way to get your competitive spirit back, while strengthening the herd, and self vaccinating than competitive drinking games? Who knows... even if you're not that good you might get lucky depending on who else is there... just remember no means no, yeah #metoo. So whether you prefer beer pong, corners, flip cup, or maybe old fashioned standbys like quarters, card games or just watch a Biden telecast and drink every time he says something incoherent...in which case collect everyone's keys... nobody will be driving home tonight. In other words...stay competitive. We all need to keep our skills sharply honed for when the Wuhan Wham Bam is over... because when this is over the bar scene will be like a Tijuana Saturday night and you'll be competing with the Baha Men and answering the timeless question of Who Let The Dogs Out

The party was nice the party was pumping
Ah yepee ah yo
And everybody having a ball
Yepee ah yo
And tell the fellas stop the name callin'
Yepee ah yo
Then them girls respond to the call
I hear a woman shout outâ?¦

Who let the dogs out
Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof
Who let the dogs out
Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof
Who let the dogs out
Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof
Who let the dogs out

Easter Services

Remember, with all Lenten obligations over, official drinking time is on airports and vacation schedule Antoinette...🛫🍸🏖🍹.

Well boys and girls we've come to the most important day on the Christian religious calendar and this year you'll have to spend it at home. Now I know many of us are not regular church attendees, but often Easter Sunday is the exception. We would get our best duds on, maybe a new spring hat, head to church and celebrate the greatest act from the greatest man...the resurrection. Then we go home and devour that movable feast and celebrate with the second greatest miracle...wine🍾. And brother this year it sure comes in handy. Not to mention you idiots who gave up drinking alcohol🍸 for Lent and managed to stick with your sacrifice through the Wuhan wham bam and the whine emanating from within your socially distanced abode... this is going to taste good, cheers🥂! Well we can spend our days blaming the Godless ChiComs🇨🇳 for the situation we're in now, but hey we're a Christian nation which means we take something bad and turn it into a positive. For instance it's a good refresher that, "caca happens!"💩 We all get pretty comfortable in our patterns and a shock like this is a good reminder to not take things for granted. It's a good time to reacquaint yourself with your family and significant other to find out if you can actually stand each other🙈🙉🙊. It's also a good time to find out how resourceful you are in maintaining an adequate TP🧻 supply. What's more, since there's no new sports on TV, it's a good time to invent new competitive games around the house...I suggest drinking games🍺! And since it's spring, it's a good time to go outside and reintroduce yourself to Mother Nature🏝. However, be careful if you're an allergy sufferer... one wrong sneeze might get you killed🤧! Just saying. It's also a good time to learn to cook especially for you millennials... get creative. Try something harder than mac-n- cheese. And of course it's a good time to stock your liquor cabinet🍸, wine rack🍷 and beer fridge🍺. Hey nobody's driving🚘 so drink up. Remember, at the end of the day, no matter how much the politicians and government promise you, you only have yourself and those close to you to rely on. It's not a time to sell your soul to the devil of big government so don't go down that rabbit hole. Instead it's time for your rugged individualism to emerge💪. Learn to count on yourself, not take things for granted, and remember... rabbits don't lay eggs🐇🥚. Those little brown things in their trail aren't chocolates!🐇💩 Fortify yourself with your adult beverage vaccine🍾 of choice today... mine will be a 2010 Duca di Salaparuta

... enjoy your feast hopefully with your family and thank the Lord for his first miracle... water into wine. "Dear Lord baby Jesus, we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest..." Hopefully it's more than Domino's, KFC and the always delicious Taco Bell, but if not... enjoy anyway. And all things considered, it's a good time to count your blessings even though like Billy Currington said... God is Great, Beer is Good, and People are Crazy

This old man and me, were at the bar and we
Were having us some beers and swaping 'I don't cares'
Talking politics, blond and red-head chicks
Old dogs and new tricks and habits we ain't kicked

We talked about God's grace and all the hell we raised
Then I heard the ol' man say
"God is great, beer is good and people are crazy"

Emergency Services

Remember, as Hannibal Lecter says, "when the food runs out we'll still have each other," and hopefully a nice chianti Antoinette.

Well boys and girls you don't need me to tell you things are getting dire. In fact things have gotten so bad, soon you'll be thinking you're living in France🇫🇷. OMD! Qu'est-ce que tu dis? Apparently the shortage/hoarding of TP🧻 has led to a run on the bidet market! You know, la douche for your dark side of the moon so it will appear as bright as Uranus🌝. But that's just the beginning mon frere! With a virtual lockdown on movement other than bowel🚽, our daily life has been disrupted to the point that only essential industries are operating. Of course as your personal link to alcohol, my services are deemed essential... cheers🥂. But what about the emergency services? And I'm not talking about 5-0🚔, the Doc👨‍⚕️, or food🥩. What about those broken New Year's resolutions of losing the tire around the waist. If all you can do is sit around the house, morph into a couch potato, cram your pie hole with cheetos and PBRs🍺, they're gonna need a crane🏗 to get you out. And what will happen to those Starbuck's dependent frappe mocha macchiato milkshake types who can't get through a day without spending $20 on pretend coffee☕. They're the alcohol equivalent of, "I want to drink but I don't like the taste of alcohol... can you make me something so I don't taste it🍹?" 7/11 is going to be a shock to their system. Then what about all those millennials used to getting their hair coiffed weekly at their androgynous salon💇‍♂️💇‍♀️ for no apparent reason. Wait, will the military start looking like the French soldier... the shaggy G.I.? Imagine if this goes on for weeks... and nature takes its course... people won't just be wearing facemasks😷, they'll be wearing ski masks. The line at the "coloring salon" will be miles long when this is all over. Otherwise, you'll be hearing lines like, "Hey I thought you were a redhead?" Or, "man this Corona virus really aged you." We can't have that people. Nobody wants to live in a world that real.🙈🙉🙊 Which is another reason my services have been deemed essential🍸. Now hear me out. Just as in the scientific formula that proves there is enough alcohol to improve everyone's appearance with beer goggles🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺 by the time closing time rolls around at the bar to the point that photoshop will call asking how you did it🤔, there is also enough booze to make everyone attractive who has been shut off from their usual... let's call it "maintenance" routine. Just consider the tried and true before and after timeline. Before...

Willllbuurrrr! Any resemblance to #AOC is purely coincidental. Then 24 later...

 Hey baby... do you graze here often? 

"Come a little closer and I'll share my Corona vaccine with you."😜 Afterall, nobody says it's more blissful to know everything down to its roots... nope bliss comes from ignorance, and the best way to stay ignorant is keep drinking. I'll let you know when it's closing time. So forget about the fat farm, the hair salon, or the gym. Us regular guys got this... that's why God invented baseball caps, pushups (well at least the 12oz curl) and alcohol. Now everyone put on the beer goggles🤓 for the duration and depending on your team you can be like Leighton Meester and Drink til He's Cute, or Neal McCoy and just be like Billy, cuz Billy's got his Beer Goggles On...

He's on the dance floor yelling "Freebird"
Singing off pitch but he knows every word
Grabs him another girl he hold on tight
He don't see ugly
Through blood shot eyes
He'll fall apart when he gets home
But right now his worries are gone
'Cause life looks good, good, good
So good, good, good,
Life looks good, good, good
Billy's got his beer goggles on.

Madder than a March Hare

You know when Distilleries convert to make sanitizer over alcohol the solution is officially worse than the problem Antoinette. 

What in the Wuhan is the world coming too? Now I'm no conspiracy theorist, but there's something rotten going on and it didn't come from Denmark. It's bad enough the ChiComs use their captured 1.7 billion member workforce to flood the market with cheap goods, firecrackers and Apple parts. Or that they can influence WHO to be complicit in their Wuhan flim-flammery during the first couple months of its discovery. What? What flu...I don't see any flu! Maybe all this was done deliberately to weaken the west and control them by controlling loans e.t.c which means of course hamstringing 'Merica👎. Or maybe it's the DNC using the upheaval to keep their man Biden... you know... the guy who puts the Dem in Dementia... from having to slur publicly, then they'll tell him who they want to be VP which means president, because if he wins it will be seconds before he'll claim health and incoherency have forced him to step down. Well I don't know about all that, or whether this is a nefarious plot for big government types to gain control at the expense of the individual but I do know that "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore."

Wait a sec, let me cool off with my favorite flu shot 🍸...ok! A 2 Trillion dollar relief package is a big package... and believe me I know about that kind of thing 🙈🙉🙊, and that might be a cure or it might be worse than the sickness... we'll see... but the powers that be seem to be missing the real problem. No SPORTS! AYFKM? I used to think the Baseball All-Star ⚾️break was worse than a junkie detoxing and that was only 3 days. I mean how many times can you watch a replay of the Wake Forest-App State football 🏈game? Btw, who's ever picking the replay lineup on ESPN needs a new career path. Too many so what games. Anyway...the Chicoms and their BatGuano market habits have ruined one of the two best times in the most important calendar that matters... the Sports Calendar. They've taken March Madness and made it something evil... like worse than how Kentucky fans think of Laettner and those Blue Devils😱. Right now we should be in the middle of bracket insanity🏀, meltdowns at the Master's🏌️‍♂️, and Opening Day with the crack of the bat⚾️, blazing Fastballs and trash can banging for all you Houston Asterisks😉! Instead we get replays, attempts to create mass hysteria by CNN with running death counts...(imagine if someone actually watched the channel how upset people would be,🤔) and instead of bracket updates we get toilet paper calculators. The world has gone upside down. We need sports to go with our booze🍾🍷🍸🍹🍺🍻🥂. Think of all the people this is hurting... arena and stadium vendors, the beer guy, the cart chick... yeah I know, #metoo, DraftKings employees and hey Peking... with the Olympics officially throwing in the towel what are you going to do with your 'roided up female swimmers🏊‍♀️? Stick that in your fortune cookie and smoke it! Look I did the math... carried the one, and have determined that sports can be played with no harmful effects other than the typical crosscheck in a hockey game🏒. Btw, I saw that an NHL player came down with the Wuhan Wham Bam, do they list that as an upper body injury?🤔 Using simple math📐📏📈 and the knowledge I gained from sleeping in Holiday Inn Express I've determined that if you take the number of players and referees on the ice, ballfield, arena, golf course, race track🏇🏎 and even pitch though I'm sure they are at higher risk😷... divide the area by number on the field... they will all be safely socially distanced! There! I've solved the biggest problem of our generation... the problem of how a cold could stop all sports. Thank you... now beer man...🍺! Keep the change💵. And like my Okie friend Merle Haggard said, if you don't fix this soon you'll be Walkin' on the Fightin' Side of Me...

I read about some squirrelly guy
Who claims that he just don't believe in fightin'
And I wonder just how long
The rest of us can count on bein' free
They love our milk and honey
But they preach about some other way of livin'
But when they're runnin' down our country, man
They're walkin' on the fightin' side of me

They're walkin' on the fightin' side of me
Runnin' down the way of life
Our fightin' men have fought and died to keep
If you don't love it, leave it
Let this song that I'm singin' be a warnin'
When you're runnin' down our country, man
You're walkin' on the fightin' side of me