What's Up With That?

Have you ever wondered why companies brag about making plants taste like meat when cows have been doing that forever, Antoinette? 

I'm officially back from vacay and have had time to ponder a few anomalies in today's world. Some are rather confusing which is the reason God invented the greatest defogger, vaccinator and cure all ever... booze. Otherwise known as the Chuck Norris of lucidity and Chinese Flu vaccinations. Cheers!🍹🍺🍸🍷🍾🍻🥂

Ok, let's dive right in...

What's up with great headlines like, "Joe Biden taps Kamala Harris..."📰😜 to be his VP candidate? See you thought I was talking about sloppy seconds to Great Great Uncle Little Willy Brown. At least the age gap is 10 years closer with Joe "I'm in another Dementia" Biden👨‍🚀. But hey, I'm all in favor of advantageous sleeping positions. 🛏

What's up with the Washington Redskins continuing their policy of not allowing fans in the stands for about the 20th year in a row? Oh this time it's because of the Chinaman Kung Flu? Excuse me what, I'm not supposed to say Redskins? What's up with that... how am I supposed to make potato salad now? Nor Chinaman either? "The Chinaman is not the issue here dude... also dude, Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature." Not to worry dudes, I'm not talking about the guys who built the f'ing railroads, I'm talking about the ChiComs🇨🇳. The bat-eaters🦇 who have peed on our economy, our sports seasons and have insulted our towns, our sons and our authority and that's nothing but pure and simple old fashioned communism. 

What's up with Black Lives Inc #BLM extorting millions for a few while destroying black neighborhoods, businesses,  social services, etc? I mean I understand systemic racism is bad and all but then how else would Obama have gotten into college, Jemele Hill ever gotten a job, and ColKap get so many 0's in his bank account? Hmm, guess I'm too privileged to get it. 🤷‍♂️

What's up with the Democratic convention being hosted by Hollyweirders like it was the academy awards? What's the category... comedy/ horror/ foreign films with subtitles for Joe? Unfortunately, viewership was the same as the show. At least they nominated somebody fresh after all the failed policies of the last half century. Somebody who will finally fix it if elected. Wait, what? Uncle Joe (to be confused with Stalin) has been a main architect of that policy for the last 47 years? Hmm well too quote Walter Sobchak..."I did not know that." Well at least he can turn to Nancy "Pickled" Pelosi for fresh ideas. 😅🤣😂 Remember Tyrion there's always the exception to the rule about wine and knowledge. 🥂 BTW, what could possibly be the reasoning why Pelosi, #ImWithHered and the DNC are recommending for Biden not to debate, not to leave the basement and if he loses never concede the election? I guess they think they've got a lock on the outcome against the orange haired former game show host. Otherwise they may go Postal!📮 Then we definitely will know What Happened!🤣

What's up with you can sit down in a bar/restaurant without a mask, torch mainstreet USA 🇺🇸, shoot cops and innocent property owners without social distancing and not spread or contract the Wuhan Wham Bam, but if you stand up in said bar/restaurant without mask, or social distance in a church or gathering not condoned by the "other guy" 🙈🙉🙊😉 you're spreading it faster than a California wildfire. I guess the message is don't be a political science denier. 

What's up with the three straight months of peaceful protests in Portland and other cities with extensive basement housing? It's amazing how well lit these night time kumbaya events are from the burning building and automobile bonfires, not to mention all the free swag they're giving away from the local department stores, grocery stores, banks, jewelry stores etc... all you have to do is walk right in and take what you want. Unfortunately, with Chinese Flu protocols there is no delivery option. But what an amazing open door policy. Also, feel free to come with any opinion, and say anything you want because this isn't a fascist country and the anti-fascists, better know as the #antifa benign brotherhood is there to ensure your safety and freedom of expression. Who needs police 🚔? By the way, word on the street is don't bring a skate board to a gun fight. Just saying.

And finally, What's up with vacation showing as 10 days on the calendar but seemingly lasting 10 minutes? Had a couple drinks🍻, made a few pars🏌️‍♂️, shredded a couple waves🏄‍♂️ and the next thing I know it's Monday morning and back at it. Something needs to be done about that and actually that's the vaccine the world needs to be working on. 👨‍⚕️

Remember America, no matter what travails you are feeling presently the great thing about this country for everyone is that the circumstances of your birth don't have to dictate the rest of your life. Rise above. Anyhow, if you're confused, afraid, PO'd, or just thirsty bring something to drink🍺 and you can come join my boy Paul Simon, Me and Julio down by the Schoolyard... but not Rosie😉

Well I'm on my way
I don't know where I'm going
I'm on my way
I'm taking my time
But I don't know where
Goodbye to Rosie, the queen of Corona

Seein' me and Julio
Down by the schoolyard
Seein' me and Julio
Down by the schoolyard

Courage and Conviction

Remember cancel culturalists... judging people for judging is judging and that's wrong... right Antoinette?

Well America it's Bastille Day in Frog Land 🐸 🇫🇷 and since they lent a hand ✋ in MAGO (Making America Great Originally) 🇺🇲 I figure we ought to help them celebrate their special day. Chin chin 🥂!

Of course any excuse to celebrate these days is welcome and if 2020 has proved nothing else it's certainly proved there are plenty of reasons to drink and most aren't celebratory unless of course you're one of those worthless human beings sometimes referred to as WPOS💩 who enjoy not working, "free money," and basement living with the occasional sometimes masked/ often unmasked and paid exception of a foray into the light to protest the latest manufactured grievance, beat up some defenseless people with a differing opinion as a Mob (never alone), and tear down place names and harmless statues of people that the day before you Googled it you'd never heard of but somehow have been oppressing, repressing, compressing, suppressing, depressing and full court pressing your sensitivities. Phew, I'm parched. 🍺 And it's the brave mob you are...but don't worry... apparently manipulated faux protesters are already vaccinated against the Chinese chop fluey!🤒 Of course if you take a look back at the events that soon followed the largely symbolic storming of the Bastille you might see a couple of parallels. Remember, it wasn't long before a seemingly worthwhile event (correcting an injustice like the then empty prison or say a guy named Floyd) devolved into the Reign of Terror! So instead of drinking up all the wine in France to celebrate their new Republic,

certain middle class groups like the Montagnards (who dominated the Jacobin Society) attacked anyone and everyone they saw as a threat or wanted to exact revenge... of course the old way of "canceling" was the Guillotine🪓. (Lesson to all...Remember boys and girls things like capital punishment, "whichever" life matters, #metoo or even #methree [it's France 🇫🇷... home of the menage a trois🙈🙉🙊] only matter when they matter, otherwise they don't matter...comprendre?) Continuing, these Montagnards decided that what was good for Paris was what was good for France...(you know the same way the fetid metropolises of NYC, Chicago, Seattle, San Fran and LA view the flyover states...oh mon dieu) Utilizing the Committee of Public Safety to enforce their dictatorial edicts they denounced, imprisoned, silenced by threat and executed any person or entity that they didn't like or had stepped out of line, didn't speak the "lingo" or dared have an independent thought... afterall, the select few knew best right? And they did so just like they would 175 years later in Orwell's dystopian, totalitarian world of Oceania with the thought police who persecuted all individuality and independent thinking, utilized brain washing, peer pressure, and the RETARDED DOUBLETHINK... to make you toe the line by accepting as true what you know to be false. Remind you of something? Anyone, anyone, Ferris, anyone? You know claim to be against what you really are...antifa.🤔 Actually, I'm a little perplexed on their agenda. I mean who can be anti Fa's and travel?  Next thing you know they'll be against needle pulling threads and female deers.😜  In real life of course these attempts of government control starting in 1917 have led to the direct deaths of over a hundred million people, while the imperfect yet great USA 🇺🇸 has easily saved that many. Cheers 'Merica!🍻 But of course people like easy as #AOC and you're making me ill #IlhanOmar think, "but it will be different this time." I think I need a double barkeep! 🍸🍸At least in America we do it differently... right? 🤔 I mean even our Marxists are capitalists. Someone gets up on their soapbox after you pay a bunch of antifa sorts to spread mayhem that would make AllState proud... and demand total capitulation from everyone... or they'll be canceled and in the words of BLM Marxist leader Hawk Newsome, "if you don't change the system, we'll burn🔥 it down," so they start sending them money... tens of millions of dollars 💵 ... to go to...?🤔 Hmm, I'd like to see their house and car now. 🏰🏎. Just ask "I'm on my Knees" ColKap how many zeroes are in his bank account... and he didn't even need a Super Bowl win to get to Disney. I guess sometimes being oppressed pays off💰💰💰... at least in America. Now of course I never understood exactly what all the controversy was about with BLM either. I mean I always thought of them as kind of an innocuous federal agency. I guess Land management people have been put upon without me being aware. It must be systemic! You know under the surface... where either you just blindly agree, or if you don't you just don't get it and must be stupid. Ah! This of course shouldn't be confused with other systemic issues like racism in our institutions which are obvious... you know quotas in hiring and school admissions, minority business loans, affirmative action, and the NBA etc. Of course I jest ... with the NBA that is... that is how it ought to be at least regarding the players who make the team... pick the best ones... cuz we want to win right. You know the American dream where the circumstances of your birth don't dictate the rest of your life. Most everyone who has come to these shores has overcome. If a statue, or a name, or being called a name is what's holding you back you're a hopeless failure and I'd like you to please move to some communist country where you'll never have to think for yourself. And if you feel oppressed for whatever real or imagined reason then drink a big glass of your favorite courage and assert your individuality. If you don't like where you are... move. Try again. And if you want to make the world🌎 a better place focus on the here and now and the future and stop with the phony erasing the past of which most know nothing. That's a rabbit hole without end. Don't be Isis. All that you'll have left are statues of snowflakes and schools named P.S. 1, etc. Humans are human and products of their time. You have to take the good with the bad. I want the pyramids to stay even though they were built by slaves. I'm not in favor of any backlash against the Sioux even though they terrorized the other native Americans on the northern plains. I don't think everything referencing MLK or JFK should be whitewashed (oops) just because they abetted a rape or demeaned women. No reason to raze the slave castles of Ghana that were actually built before Columbus either. I've yet to see anyone worship at a statue🗽 and if you tear them all down what are the ornithologists gonna say about the loss of pigeon habitat? Have you thought of that? I thought not🕊. Time to get back to what Americans do best... drink 🍷 and get along. Vote when it's time... either for the tweeting orange guy, or the silver 44 year now very rich somehow career politician who's gonna be the breath of change. I guess he will be different since he puts the "dem" in dementia. Either way we're gonna be alright... we'll leave the alwrong to the ChiComs. Not even their exported Wuhan wham bam will keep us down. It just takes a little Courage and Conviction on our part.

The only Chink in our armor will come from within... so time to hoist our glasses and cheer...E Pluribus Unum... the one and only National Anthem. Now I think it's time to follow the advice of my friend Ray Wylie Hubbard and Drink till I see Double...

I can see you are a woman of taste

By your Reba McEntire tattoo

And I love the way you wear your hair

You're as hot as a Cutlass 442

You impressed me when you went to the jukebox

And played "A Boy Named Sue"

And you're drinking like a sailor on leave

You're a cowboy's dream come true

I'm gonna drink 'til I see double

And take one of you home

You look like my kinda trouble

And I don't wanna drink alone

No lasting obligations

We're both rolling stones

I'm gonna drink 'til I see double

And take one of you home

Seriously Sirius

If you think things are tough now, in twenty years our country will be run by kids who were homeschooled by drunks Antoinette.😬😷😜🍻

Well my fellow Americans, in case you were worried I managed once again to not only participate in but also survive the great confluence of events that led to the celebration🎉🎆🍸🍹🍺🍻🥂🍷🍾 of Cinco de Mayo on Taco Tuesday🌮 with Margaritas while in danger from a Chinese virus named for a Mexican Beer🍺. I think that's called the right stuff🦸‍♂️👍👌☝️🤜🤛. And Cliff Claven thought he had it tough when Sears and JC Penny catalog came out on the same day. Cheers!🍻 Now I don't know about you but I needed a little celebracion because things have gotten a little stale. The sameness of the routine can weigh you down and I'm sure many of you feel the same. Perhaps you have the feeling you've awakened to, "then put your little hand in mine, there ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb." Not to worry, cuz I've got you Babe. And though reality is starting to feel like Groundhog Day,  there are some positives from the shut down of normal life and consequently I'm here to point those out to you while reinvigorating you to count your blessings. First of all, for those of you not fortunate enough to be employed in an essential industry like me (alcohol) where drinking on the job is required like mine... chin chin🥂, you can now drink to your hearts content without those looks of disdain from office do gooders and teetotalers. My only advice in this regard to stave off Zoom room gossip is to keep your favorite adult beverage out of webcam view. You're welcome. 

Of course there are other benefits. Your commute is much shorter if you're working from home, or out of a job for that matter. And in both cases your dry cleaning bill should be non- existent. It's also your chance to be eco-friendly. Just pretend you're French since you can't vacay anytime soon and save the shower for Saturday night or until you're significant other says enough🤧😠. Besides, since all the SJW's who worked tirelessly to rid California et al of straws, are now clogging the landfills with latex gloves while also polluting the world with gazillions of gallons of disinfectant, we're going to need an ecological offset. There is also the added benefit to get things done around the homestead that maybe you've been putting off, or maybe were problems you didn't know you had. You also have the benefit of playing off "serious work from home" vs "the honey do list." Take your pick of the lesser of two evils, or if you play your cards right pretend you're doing either or both and continue what you really want to do...🍺! Now of course if you opt for the home project and are tired of building and staining more bookcases comme moi, then you can fix the Sirius problem of aligning your presets to a more functional order. No reason not to be feng shui in your vehicle. Now in my case I have 4 screens of presets with 6 each so of course screen 1 should be favorites/ genre inclusive, i.e. 20-25-28-36-59-60. Then of course screen 2, 3 and 4 you line up the lesser played, seasonal e.t.c stations that you can still get to quickly from steering wheel controls. However, in accomplishing this laudable goal I did notice that there is much that is redundant and extraneous about Sirius. For instance the decades are cool, but then you get to a couple local radio stations... if you want to listen to local then why get Sirius? 🤔 Moving on... of course you have to have the Beatles otherwise some bug driving adoree will go apoplectic but where's the better band... the Rolling Stones? Obviously there's a channel for the King and the Boss! And next a really cool channel for learning about music roots... 21. But then Pearl Jam? Correct me if I'm wrong... actually don't cuz I'm not... how many Pearl Jam fans are there still out there and do the they actually have enough listenable music for 24 hours a day? Seriously, just put them in the rotation on Lithium. And the Grateful Dead is hard enough to take 2 songs in a row, but then you get Phish a few notches up... yeah I hear you out there and I don't care. Now in between is good and the rotation on 30 is a good idea but why does Billy Joel have to be on every other month? Give him Pearl Jam's channel. Things are good for awhile though I think 9 stations for rap/hiphop is a little redundant... I mean how many channels are necessary for rhyming rap about ho's with the clap when all you fellas know all dey bitches want is flo and if you just listen to the news you'd know the best rhymes come from Dr Seuss! Word... and yeah #metoo! Ok back on track with a little more from the department of redundancy department... first the Flyover channel's... dance/ electronica sponsored by Advil!🤕  Then of course time to put the brakes on cuz you're in the country now and hey...I like country. Besides they need 8 channels because it's definitely evolved over the decades so you need the different channels. What's that? So has rap? Hmm.🤔 Not buying it... I'll take 2. The one for family listening (is that even possible? ) and the one for those Left with double standards on things like #metoo, #believeallwomen and #savelives, etc. After this there's a lot of personal choice... gospel, blues, opera, classical, sports, news, e.t.c. But don't forget about Sinatra, Siriusly and of course the comedy channels🤣. Ok everything is in order. Now time to get that Rump Shak[ing] and Zoom back to that meeting with Wreckx-n-Effect and earn some money...

All I want to do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom
And a poom-poom, just shake ya rump

All I want to do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom
And a poom-poom, just shake ya rump

All I want to do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom
And a poom-poom, just shake ya rump

All I want to do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom
And a poom-poom, just shake ya rump

Check baby check baby one two three four
Check baby check baby one two three
Check baby check baby one two
Check baby check baby one

Competitive Spirit

Have you ever wondered how Siamese twins self isolate Antoinette? Me either. 

Well boys and girls times are getting pretty tame around here. What with all the couch sitting, pie hole stuffing, and binge watching shows you didn't even know existed a few weeks ago the herd has grown weaker. Which, btw, is exactly what we don't need at the present time. We need to strengthen the herd, inoculate the populace,  expose ourselves to the harsh realities that have tempered our iron will and MAG! What we need to do is restore our competitive spirit. Why had we never heard of all those inane shows on TV, Amazon, Netflix, Skinemax, etc (well maybe you heard of that last ones🙈)... it's because we are Americans...we were watching, playing or dreaming about sports🛌🐟😴! In fact not just sports made for TV, but any competitive situation. It's competition that makes you tough, builds your ego, strengthens your resolve and tests your abilities. Like Bluto said,"when the going gets tough.............................. the tough get going." Afterall, it wasn't over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor." Now hear me out... I'm on a roll. As any good American (and you know who that leaves out) we like to compete over literally everything. Unfortunately, our competitive drive has devolved to singular competitions on our phone with crosswords, soduku, wordscapes, e.t.c. Now I know there are some of you out there who consider trolling on social media and pretending to know caca💩 everyone knows you're too stupid to know counts as competition as usual, but refer to the above parenthetical non-Americans🤫. Besides, they're used to self isolating in the basement. In fact they are so good at it their social life isn't dependent on anyone ever being there. They like to take matters into their own hands so to speak. What's more is if they ever did venture outside, the competitive law of the jungle would just mean they would get eaten first by the lions🦁. Then probably regurgitated🤮, but hey... hyenas gotta eat too. Hairy palms aside the rest of us good Americans need to get back in the saddle and ride to where we're most comfortable... competitions with real stakes🏇. Remember, we are so good at this we have learned to bring competition down to single words. Shotgun! Dibs! First! Ante! And my personal favorite... drink!🍺 

And lots of two word challenges as well... prove it, make me, I bet, wanna see, and of course the famous two word end of discussion when you're tired and just ready to throw down...F-you🖕! Now my solution for this is obvious and will give you enough social distancing space to satisfy the most shrill of M/GSDSJW's (masked/gloved social distancing social justice warriors)... first if you live in Virginia play golf🏌️‍♂️ like usual because hey we aren't stupid like Terps🐢 nor teetotalers like the Pennsylvanian I Didn't Know the Whole State was Amish sect👴👵. Second if you're in Virginia... play golf, and bet on your round with your fellow normal Americans🇺🇸. And third, if you're in Virginia play golf, bet, and chug a beer🍻 every time someone makes birdie if you're good... cheers, par if you're ok🍻... cheers, and every hole if you stink... drink up, cheers🍻... because you might as well enjoy your round. Remember boys and girls... there are three things you don't have to be good at to enjoy... golf🏌️‍♂️, fishing🎣, and the horizontal mambo👄😉. For that matter any angled mambo is included! Now for those of you who don't have access to a golf course or no clubs... then I suggest you take the one competition that travels better than any other...betting. We're Americans we bet on everything...we bet on the Gatorade at the superbowl, the length of the National Anthem, and if the AOC could spell cat if you spot her the C and the A.🤔 And since we want to be socially aware I suggest you do three things to ensure your home based betting is fun and safe... stock up on alcohol🍾🍷🍸🍹🍺🍻🥂, keep your gathering to 10 bettors, and center your fun around a beer pong table... that's 8 feet M/GSDSJW's. What better way to get your competitive spirit back, while strengthening the herd, and self vaccinating than competitive drinking games? Who knows... even if you're not that good you might get lucky depending on who else is there... just remember no means no, yeah #metoo. So whether you prefer beer pong, corners, flip cup, or maybe old fashioned standbys like quarters, card games or just watch a Biden telecast and drink every time he says something incoherent...in which case collect everyone's keys... nobody will be driving home tonight. In other words...stay competitive. We all need to keep our skills sharply honed for when the Wuhan Wham Bam is over... because when this is over the bar scene will be like a Tijuana Saturday night and you'll be competing with the Baha Men and answering the timeless question of Who Let The Dogs Out

The party was nice the party was pumping
Ah yepee ah yo
And everybody having a ball
Yepee ah yo
And tell the fellas stop the name callin'
Yepee ah yo
Then them girls respond to the call
I hear a woman shout outâ?¦

Who let the dogs out
Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof
Who let the dogs out
Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof
Who let the dogs out
Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof
Who let the dogs out