I don't care who you are, this is funny!

Stop me if you've heard this one before Antoinette.

Not only is truth stranger than fiction, it's often funnier. I'm talking Haha funny😂.  Not the kind of funny like isn't it funny they had a shutdown of government for a month over building a wall on the southern border that both D's and R's have been building since 1994 and which everyone previously supported; or that Prez Trump is actually funding Mexico's effort to build a barrier on its southern border? Huh?🤔 I thought they were paying for the wall. Hmm. That's not really that funny except in an ironic way. I'm talking the kind of funny that's funny whether you've been drinking or not🍸...but remember everything is funnier when you open a bottle 🍾and share with friends🥂. In fact, that's how you fix the swamp... spike their water fountain...that's the Art of the Deal! Covfefe! MAGA! And since the rest of us could use a good laugh how about some truly funny headlines 📰 I've run across recently. What's funny is it makes you wonder if they even realize what they are writing or are they just part of Gen O, (named for the oblivious generation🙃, not the Ocasio generation, because that would be redundant #AOC). How about these headlines from National publications about the funniest planet, "There's something very hard🙈 heading towards Uranus, scientists believe," "Uranus takes a pounding more frequently than you thought."😰 Has anyone actually ever thought about how often Uranus takes a pounding🤔? Or how about this, "NASA wants to probe deeper into Uranus than ever before." 🚀And believe it or not they want to so as to learn more about gas from Uranus!🤭 You can't make this up. And in a follow up, "Scientists just recreated the horrendous substance found deep inside Uranus."😷 Maybe we should take the funding used for that "important" cause and build a wall instead! Just saying. Now the last one, and how can you not..."Don't laugh, but we just found something mysterious near Uranus."😉 And we aren't talking about that dingleberry formerly known as Planet Pluto🙊. Btw, if you are gender confused read these headlines...if you laugh at these you're definitely a Male♂️! Now enough about Uranus, let's talk about mine...Haha sorry...last one. Believe it or not us males actually find other things funny besides planetary potty humor and there is no shortage of funny crap to laugh about. For instance, "Police🚔 say man with no Hands and no Legs is armed and on the run." I think somebody, "Picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue." And out in LaLa land..."Big Rig🚛 carrying fruit crashes on 210 🛣freeway, creates jam!" And an impromptu "Britney" rave. 🧚‍♂️🧚‍♀️(Think about it...😉) "Statistics show teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25." Remember boys and girls, statistics can be misleading. 🤥"Parents keep kids home to protest school closure." That'll learn them durn kids. 🤪"Homicide victims rarely talk to police." Good, cuz nobody likes a tattletale. And I don't know about you but I'm getting tired of these royal scandals, homonym puns, and bad editing,  "Queen Mother👸 helps abuse girl." There oughta be a law. Like there should be for the little guy..."Midget sues Grocer, cites belittling remarks." Wait till T. Lannister hears about this... he'll know what to do, he drinks wine.🍷 If you think this blog is sexist how about this, "Chick accuses some of her Male colleagues as sexist." Lighten up Babe! #metoo! Sometimes you have to read past the headline to get how the story really ends..."Waterford boy, 8, saves sister's life," but then said, "I wouldn't do it again, she's been a pain this week." Other children are more supportive of family, "Student excited dad got head job," apparently he wasn't in Kansas anymore...wait, he was? It seems somebody got a rise out of that, as in the New York Yankees, "A-Rod goes deep, Wang Hurt." And we might as well stay in the gutter, "Porn Star sues over rear end collision." Video at 11:00 on pay per view! Now back to local news,  "Police: Crack found in man's buttocks." See the circular nature of life and how no matter how hard we try, all roads lead back to Uranus.🙊 What we need is something good to happen,  "Miracle cure kills 5th patient." Huh?  Apparently some things just take a little longer to work. And finally, never trust a Native American dressed in a clown suit 🤡in a Chinese restaurant, "Clown commits Fu King robbery." Stay in your lane bro! What's that you say? I'm a funny guy?! "... I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to f'in amuse you? ...How am I funny?" Well I'll leave you with one last funny item as well as the answer to one of life's eternal questions...A Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "dammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!" So the priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in. The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!" The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?" The bartender says, "Yeah.." The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?" The bartender says, "It's across the road." Now if you aren't laughing at that it's time to "lighten up Francis" before you kill someone and get another drink.🍻 After all, if we are ever going to get out of this swamp we are going to have buck up, pour some Dutch courage, and laugh off our misgivings. Then drink up and laugh at the funny things... and what's funnier than a Drunk Scotsman wearing a kilt?

https://youtu.be/MZ35SOU9HTM

I have a Dream...

If you do the Bird Box challenge take small sips Antoinette.

Well boys and girls, being that it's MLK Day, it's a good day for dreaming...and I dream big! I have a dream that we go back to higher standards...in entertainment, journalism, government, education and certainly booze🍸...life after college is too short for MD2020!😁 I have a dream that we cut the head off the monster👹 of entitlement we've created in our children by not holding them accountable and trying to be their friend instead of parent. I have a dream that the media will report the news with fairness and accuracy without the bias of bigoted and infantile journalists and other prevaricators of Party🐎🐘 over country🇺🇸. I have a dream that Americans will replace their false victimhood, thin skin, and fear of statues🗿, words, jokes, names and other imagined threats with resolve, courage, fortitude, strength and the intelligence passed down to us from our collective Heritage🏛⛪🗽. I have a dream that education will once again take on the burden of education and abandon the politicking, proselytizing, propaganda and grade padding by insincere public educators and out of touch ivory tower elites unwittingly preparing their own destruction by passing an uneducated generation on to the future...with honors! Covfefe! Now of course this sounds more like a nightmare than a dream, but my glass is half full of wine 🍷which means 2 things...1) I obviously drink wine so I know things, and 2) I have room for more wine. Fill me up...thank you!🥂 Now while we can't prescribe wine to the youth so that they will learn more fully, we can use the knowledge we as wine consuming adults have acquired to hold the youth accountable for their efforts and bestow praise when worthy, encouragement when down and sternness when necessary; award trophies only for championships and above average performance; and assign grades that are merited not diluted. If everybody is an A student all the sudden how do you decide who will be operating on you👨‍⚕️? Building the bridge👨‍🔧? Flying the plane👨‍✈️? Imagine if just anybody could pass the bar...no telling what kind of cocktail you'd be drinking.🙈 Well "I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream." I dream that the wokes will awaken. That the moral preeners, SJWs, virtue signalers and PC Gestapo will realize the error of their ways and repent before leading the sheep🐑 on the Road to Perdition. I know my fellow Americans, that as long as you're a Party🐎🦄 to the Chicken Little 🐔half of America for whom the sky is falling upon...someone else is to blame, and apparently you believe the solution is one step closer to 1984, Big Brother, Group Speak, infinite genders, Venezuela🇻🇪 and an IQ equal to your age. Fat, drunk and stupid might have been good enough to get Blutarsky out of the Animal House and to the US Senate; give CardiB her 15 minutes,  and who knows, if a certain Freshman Rep. just adds a little weight and switches from fireballs to whiskey because she has the rest, her future might follow the same path #aoc.😉 I wonder if her sorority ever ran a train🚂?🙈🙉🙊 However,  the rest us should probably figure out a better path for our own lives specifically and America in general. How did we get here, and how do we get back to MAGA? Of course the answer is education...like it used to be before speech was limited, words harmed, and countervailing views created the need for safe spaces. Back when you went to college to expand your mind not close it, when you earned a degree, not bought it and when college was an achievement warranted not an arbitrary quota fulfilled. Even Twitter recognized the need to expand our minds from 140 character mini thoughts to the magnum opus of 280 character tomes!🤔 We all know if you're young and lazy, or older and lazy for that matter, it's too much effort to read books and develop your own weltanschauung🌎. Instead today we find that if it's information that requires us to turn a page📖 it will go unread by the vast majority. So instead we've created a dependent world that just Goebbels it🙊...I mean Google's it...that way we now know where to find what to think and get a regurgitatable amount of information from wiki, etc to pass off as an original thought. Any effort to actually verify and cross check from sources other than what Messrs. Page and Brin and their little techies think you should know will take you in a circular spin in the deep dark web👹...and you thought only China dictated your access🇨🇳! Now what we do know is that the little millennials who operate the Google machine and get information out there "on the line" are certainly tech savvy, but unfortunately have the common sense of Barney Fife...and the big picture understanding equivalent to  CGI... you know Fake Views🎥. Now of course it's not their fault, nothing is...and they have the trophies to prove it🏆! In fact it's not anybody's fault except those that disagree with Big Brother, sister, cisgender, 🧚‍♂️🧚‍♀️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♀️e.t.c e.t.c...you get the picture... yeah #metoo. They're hell bent on marching us lock step over the cliffs of the Brave New World...because they don't get it...they are trapped between the world of A.I. and the world of A.I. Huh?🤔 The Artificial Intelligence of the easy to access technologies of today that gives you "answers" without thinking 💻and the life long option to not work(just need to figure out who will pay your allowance💵), and worse...the Artificial Intelligence of inflated grades 📈because teachers don't want the hassle of crying kids, nagging parents, ego damaging evaluations, and finding willing dupes for the overpriced "education"... while public schools can more easily play games with achievement numbers. "But we're for education, we just need more money!" Education undoubtedly benefits from money...to a degree, but you know what's better? Reading, reading and reading! Last I checked, public libraries are free. Open a book and when you're old enough uncork a bottle🍾...it will open your eyes😯. Choose salvation over perdition. And while the NFL refs may have taken the Bird Box challenge (Epic fail)  the rest of us should try hard to not go through life with blinders. Just ask the Boss, Blind Man's Bluff is a little bit insane so I recommend education and dreaming big. Don't cost you nothing... just ask T. Petty or even that other Blondie...

Felt so good like anything was possible
I hit cruise control and rubbed my eyes
The last three days the rain was unstoppable
And it was always cold, no sunshine

Yeah, runnin' down a dream
Never would come to me
Workin' on a mystery
Goin' wherever it leads
I'm runnin' down a dream

Or...

I sit by and watch the river flow
I sit by and watch the traffic go
Imagine something of your very own, something you can have and hold
I'd build a road in gold just to have some dreamin'
Dreamin' is free
Dreamin', dreamin' is free

Dreamin', dreamin' is free
Dreamin', dreamin' is free

You're killin' me Smalls!

And they ask me why I drink Antoinette. 

I'm here to kick ass and drink whiskey, and pilgrim I'm out of whiskey! Fill me up barkeep or someone is in trouble! Now you're probably wondering what's got my grundies in a bunch? Why am I yelling at kids to get off my lawn? Well actually I'm not that angry...at least not about kids playing in the yard. In fact I'm all for it...kids need to play outside more, and boys specifically need a place to run around, burn energy and be boys. Play games...catch⚾️, football🏈, hot box, army, cowboys🤠 and Indians, capture the flag, shoot bottle rockets🚀 at each other, play lawn darts and even "smear the queer" back when it just meant the odd guy out with the ball🤔. You know the time somewhere between the Gay '90s🧚‍♂️ and the  AYFKM "woke" 2010s🤬. That's how you began to toughen up to the challenges of life, learn how to compete, maybe get in a fight once in awhile to show you'll stand you'r ground and face consequences, show off for the other sex🤾‍♂️ (don't get triggered I grew up in simpler times when science mattered😜) and aspire to making yourself more competitive, stronger, faster, smarter, daring🎢 and proficient at the 7 kinds of farts enumerated by George Carlin🤭. Now SJWs have tried to redefine what biology♂️♀️, evolution and history have created to suit the man bun💇‍♂️, man purse👜, emasculated mannequin of their dreams from behind their internet firewall, using their Google brain to regurgitate puerile memes, and attack the foundations of not only Western Civilization 💒but biology as well...all because someone once told somebody "they hit like a girl!"🙊🙉🙈 Well you're killing me Smalls...as in small minded, thin skinned, let me go on Oprah and tell you why that statue's 🗿 existence prevents me from being a worthwhile contributor to society. Better make it a double barkeep🍸...or even more insanely/inanely...why we must prevent boys from being boys, thereby men from being men!🧚‍♂️ Hmm, maybe they have a point...I mean who doesn't want to live in a world of gender neutral, testosterone barren, emotionally sharing, pinterest pinning, Ellen watching "girly men"? 🙊🙉🙈 Ugh and not the Tom Brady ones! All this because somebody somewhere once got their lunch money taken by a bully, or got picked last for dodgeball and it wasn't fair. Why am I harping on this now you ask? Well take a look at recent "academic" conclusions that have made the headlines. That's academic in the science denying sort of way like it's dated to think biology only allows for two sexes ♂️♀️when the wokes know there are as many as any nut job (that's nut job without any nuts😉) can come up with. Well now according to the journal published by the American Psychological Association..."Traditional masculinity is harmful..." ; then according to another academic journal, "Eating meat promotes toxic masculinity." Not even you vegan 🥑🥦males escape the wrath, "Eating a vegan diet promotes 'white masculinity,' sociologist argues." And don't get me started on you "Crouching tiger, Hidden dragon, Downward dog types" ... "Americans who practice yoga contribute to white supremacy"🤦‍♂️ according to Michigan State prof. We're all just Spartans I guess (male privilege dad joke🤔😁). Time to wake up world and get your head out of your apps💻😁. I know this is just another ridiculous fad like disco and communism (I guess some nitwits in NYC are feeling nostalgic for stupider times #aoc), but the world needs men...strong men💪, just like the world needs women...strong women🏋️‍♀️. This yin and yang ☯️has been pretty good at perpetuating the human race, building civilization, providing fodder for comedy shows, and building the foundation of Hef's empire 👙 (yeah #metoo). They do this by complementing each other...not be being each other.🧚‍♂️ Besides, if men stop being men, what will women do with all that free time from trying to change us? What, that's sexist? Hmm, go figure. Oh well... guess I'm just nostalgic for the good ol' days and a nice slice of American Pie... maybe Don McLean's music will save our mortal soul...

I was a lonely teenage broncin' buck
With a pink carnation and a pickup truck
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the music died

I started singin'

Bye, bye Miss American Pie
Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry
And them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye
Singin' this'll be the day that I die
This'll be the day that I die

Drink more, Live longer!

Walk softly and carry a big stick then they won't hear you sneaking up on them Antoinette.

It's that time of year again people. One week into 2019 📆so time for the annual assessment of our New Year's resolutions and whether our resolve is any better this year than every other year. Since more often than not resolutions revolve around health 🏋️‍♂️and happiness 😁and how to improve both, I think it's time to ask the important questions. Namely, how long do you actually want to live?👴 Though that may seem like a silly question prima facie, considering the state of current affairs and the fork in the road🎢 we've arrived at, it's not inconceivable that many might opt for the rock and roll fantasy...live fast, die young! YOLO!🕺💃 Afterall, who wants to live in a world where comedians can't be funny, Hollyweird somehow sees themselves as the moral arbiter, MSM can't be honest, the PC Taliban polices individuality👮‍♂️, Congress is led by senile nitwits who somehow got rich on the public dime👵🏛, the Senate has become a comicon convention for Indian cosplay and Spartacus moments🤔😉, and freshman Reps with the towering intellect of a middle schooler get elected as a socialist🤡👧. Covfefe! Makes you wonder if she thinks socialist means someone who really likes going to parties!?🙈 Yeah, #metoo! Well let's leave that kind of whine for those "victims" of the herd who run from scary statues🗿, hide in their shell away from hurtful words🐢 and melt at the idea of personal responsibility❄, but not to worry, they'll get "thinned" first🦁...if you can't deal with the above inconsequentials then go ahead and retreat to your safe space in a basement behind an internet firewall💻🖱 living off soy products and bird food. The rest of us will be outside steeling our constitutions to this "climate change" ☀️🌡🔥with 2 of the 4 main food groups...alcohol🍸 and coffee🍵 and quite possibly living forever!  Well "I'm not stupid, Lucius. No one lives forever. No one. But with advances in modern science and my high level of income, I mean, it's not crazy to think I can't live to be 245, maybe 300." Well truth be told, unlike Ricky Bobby🏎,  I don't have that high a level of income, but science has found the key to living longer.👨‍🔬👩‍🔬 According to the University of California Irvine and a study of aging, people who drank alcohol and or coffee were more likely to live into their 90s and beyond than the abstainers. What's more...people who put on a little weight in their 70s also tended to outlive those who were normal or underweight. So go to the gym and get buff💪 for the time being cuz you'll look better in the buff!😜🙈 But scrap that anti alcohol and caffeine diet🚫... you'll live longer, enjoy life more, probably get lucky a time or two 😍and besides, you're an adult now... that's how you deal with threatening statues, harmful words and puerile rants from the deranged. Remember, wine is a great way to drown out the whine🍷, but sometimes you need something a little stronger...besides liquor is quicker! 🍸It's a new year and that's always a good time for a fresh start. Let's just not forget what makes us happy. Keep the coffee, savor the wine, sip your whiskey and make it a life worth living. If you need inspiration just look to a past politician, Teddy Roosevelt, a man who lived life, governed passionately and with compassion, won the Medal of Honor🥉, Nobel Peace Prize🏆, built the Panama Canal🛳, explored the world🌎, gave a Square Deal 🤜🤛, wrote books and read one every day📖 and never played the victim or silver spoon card despite opportunity. So follow the model...don't let others tell you how to be. This year resolve to choose strength over weakness, intelligence over stupidity, and optimism over negativism. Then heed the words of another guy who knew something about enjoying life and escaping the oppresiveness of group think, big government, and the self righteous, Bob Marley, who said "love the life you live, live the life you love" then you'll find Redemption in a Song...

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery
None but ourselves can free our minds
Wo! Have no fear for atomic energy
'Cause none of them-a can-a stop-a the time
How long shall they kill our prophets
While we stand aside and look?
Yes, some say it's just a part of it
We've got to fulfill the book
Won't you have to sing
These songs of freedom?
'Cause all I ever had
Redemption songs