Change can be scary!

I wonder what they call white privilege in Iceland, Antoinette?

The time of white privilege is over! Yeah i said it. For too long now whites have enjoyed preeminence, and it's just not fair to the others. We need balance! But more than that, we need affirmative action. It's time that those who have been marginalized get their time to shine. Whites, you go to the back of the line, and reds... front and center. It's red privilege time and I'm not not talking about Injuns. While the NFL Redskins may have lost their opportunity to get back at those title stealing Cowboys yesterday (get it? ), those redskin grapes are now in first place. And if you're white and want a piece of the limelight you're going to have to be of that effervescent ilk if you know what I mean. 🍾October is almost over, the clocks will be falling back, and it's time to put the white wines on the shelf next to your white loafers and white pirate shirt. Unless of course you plan on wearing that tomorrow to celebrate All Hallows Eve. Wait, I better check the latest issue of that arbiter of social morality, Cosmo, and see if pirate costumes are appropriate for non real life pirates to wear. Apropos of nothing, but is it really inappropriate for my fictitious daughter to want to dress up as Moana? That seems racist to me...though I am a little confused as to which cartoon race Moana belongs. Whatever happened to imitation is the sincerest form of flattery? I believe it's appropriate to dress up like anybody/thing you want to appropriate as long as it gets you your trick or treat. Let's leave costume selection to the parent, wine selection to your taste buds, and the 22 Best Relationship Tips Ever to Cosmo. I'm sorry if the above offended anyone... oh wait... no I'm not... and it's because I wine, I don't whine. If we actually listened to all this horse hooey we'd be left with no costume choices except maybe going as the universal bad guy...the fat white guy...it's always safe to make fun or appropriate fat white guys, but you can't go as Santa Claus, he's making a list right now📃... Frosty the Snowman?☃️... only scary snowman is on your golf card...8 😉...plus you'd be supporting the coal industry... and we certainly need to avoid cheaper energy.👎 Hmm, scary fat white guy... well that leaves Rosie O'Donnell, Michael Moore or eeek, Harvey Weinstein. Talk about misappropriation. Well we don't need your kid getting beat up, appropriately, by Wonder Woman... how about going as your favorite healthy cereal character? Wait, God forbid going as a corn pop if you don't get your shade right (can I say God?) Better to be safe, and go as something nobody could be offended by...a Fruity Pebble. Just curious, but is it cultural misappropriation for Japanese - Iranian to be offended when called Chinese? Hmm.  Let the children choose their favorite costume, leave politics to the NFL and MLB, buy cool candy for the trick or treaters, and have wine for any adults left out there unafraid to walk in the dark next to culturally insensitive 4 year olds. Wine is universally accepting of appropriation... it's meant to be uncorked, poured, shared and enjoyed by all regardless of your costume. "Oh I'm sorry... that's not a costume? My bad... no worries a few more glasses and you'll look like a 3 headed gender neutral witch." 😱 You can all be like Mike... be inappropriate and drink wine dressed in any tricky costume you like, or better yet, without any costume which could be a treat,  😉... not you Frosty... hey Princess, wanna go to a dance?  Where you won't be Misfits as long as you bring  red wine...you know... the Monster Mash... where
The scene was rocking, all were digging the sound
Igor on chains, backed by his baying hounds
The Coffin Bangers were about to arrive
With their vocal group, The Crypt Keeper Five
They did the Mash, they did the Monster Mash
The Monster Mash, and it's a graveyard smash

Health Improvement Guide!

Gesundheit, because Germans care about your health Antoinette.

Breaking News! Breaking News! Here's some news for the gentlemen out there with some benefits for the ladies as well. If this doesn't shake the Monday blues nothing will. Several important health discoveries came to light recently which may surprise most, but have been the foundation of my personal health plan since... well let's not get into that. First, a 25 year study in Chicago (no address given..hmm?)  determined that if a man worked out heavily, and even if you were lucky enough to survive Rahm Emmanuels shooting gallery of a city, you would be twice as likely to suffer from heart disease compared to couch potatoes and those whose idea of exercise was the 12oz curl coupled with a cheese curl. The news was even graver for white males... who were 86% more likely to suffer arterial hardening after years of dedicated gym time. And speaking of hardening, in a second discovery several studies have found that of all the alcoholic beverages you can have before doing the horizontal mambo, red wine🍷 is the only one that can actually enhance and improve your ooh la la. Apparently, red wine boosts testosterone in men, solves all those problems we hear about on tv commercials without the 10 million life threatening side effects, causes increased blood flow to the areas in question for both men and women, stokes desire and will have you smoking a Gauloises and saying ooh la la before you can say stop, drop, and roll baby cuz you are on fire.🔥Not to mention, that satisfactory smile will increase for you guys knowing that it's in your best interest healthwise to stay in bed and skip the gym. And what could possibly make this news better? What if I told you that America's oldest living veteran smokes 12 cigars a day, just renewed his drivers license, and doesn't mind mixing a little of the brown liquor into his coca cola...at 111 years of age. 🎉Learn from your elders I was always taught, so I'm going to start modeling Richard Overton of Texas. Of course, you may want to smoke the cigar after your female companion goes to the gym... remember ladies, the study only said men shouldn't work out, 😉. It's time we men started taking better care of ourselves and skip those sweaty, good for nothing workout sessions. Besides, those weights are heavy. Do what the doctor ordered, stay home and uncork a bottle of nature's P.E.D. with your lucky someone... red wine...nature's xtc and blue pill in a bottle meant for two.*  Real men don't use ruffis or Hollywood couches to woo women, they do it the old fashioned way... red wine and cheesy pick up lines...like "baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call FINE PRINT!" Remember, Wein-Stein is just a mug of beer in German. I don't even know what that means, but drink red wine and it won't even matter. There you have it men, skip the gym for a healthy life, spice up your love life with red wine and smoke all the Cohibas you want. Just remember and heed this Platter of knowledge...They said some day you'll find, All who love are blind
When your heart's on fire, you must realize
Smoke gets in your eyes.

*There are side effects...the red wine diet has been known to cause excessive hangover and children when overindulged.

Fake news you can use!

As far as you know the following is not fake news, Antoinette.

Three score and ten years ago this week, HUAC, began investigating un- American activities in Hollyweird, I mean Hollywood. Hmm, I thought the stars of LaLa land loved America and wanted all immigrants legal or not to reside in the sanctuary state known as Hotel California. All that is except Chris Columbus... apparently being an Italian who identified as a Spaniard wanting to be an Indian wasn't good enough. Maybe he should have identified as a pansexual MS13 member, then his handprints would have been welcome in front of Grauman's Chinese Theater. Anyway HUAC got word that the commies were infiltrating the movie business as part of their devious plan to take over the world and force the rest of us to eat red beet soup...borscht! This became known as the "red scare"! The question du jour was,  "Are you or have you ever been a member of the borscht eating, line waiting communist party?" The only thing more threatening to world peace would have been to be a member of Harvey Weinstein's party. Remember ladies, Harry Winston is a girl's best friend... Harvey Weinstein is just the guy who says "say hello to my little friend" while wearing a bathrobe and a smile. Not that movie stars and entertainers would ever be hypocritical, but to have Harvey W., Prez Bill C., the Philly Bill C., and Marshall M. as your defense for "the war against women" seems a little ironic. Never fear movie goers, you'd have to be a real moron to fall for anything as stupid as communism. We're American! We don't wait in line except for Magic Kingdom and recess. (I'm not counting you Iphone  and Star Wars: Discovery types who can't wait one day for no line access...Triggered!) But as Americans... when we want something red, we make it wine. Fall is here, winter is coming, and it's now time to stock up on your favorite hearty red wine to get you through chilly nights and the braying jack asses of the world. Protect yourself! Build a wall of wine cases to keep out the whine of virtue signaling, nattering nabobs of negativism. The only red scare we need to worry about now are the horrible California fires. Help however you can, and start by drinking more California reds. Remember in life, if you're into poor decisions look to Hollywood, but if you're into pour decisions... try a California Cab. And if you find yourself in tinsel town beware of the silicone sister with her manager's mister told me I got what it takes

She said, I'll turn you on, sonny, to something strong if you play that song with the funky break...

Mama always told me not to look into the sights of the sun
Oh, but Mama, that's where the fun is...Ooh yeah, I was blinded by the light.

Without Columbus where would the District be?

If Columbus set sail for Pakistan instead of India the Yankees would be playing the Cleveland Pakistani's now Antoinette!

In 14 hundred and 92, 
Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
He had three ships and left from Spain; 
looking for new places to share his name. 

Go west young man, it's the place you ought to be, 
So he loaded up Nina, Pinta and the Santa Mari[e]
He sailed west off the map, mate...Here there be monsters, 
Antifa, pc'ers and Hollywood mobsters

But his bravery was known, his courage resolute
He'd blaze new trails to dispense all his loot 
He had a hold full of goods to sell on his day
So why travel to India with America on the way.

Bringing beads, blankets and disease and new names for the indigenous
He returned with tomatoes, potatoes and syphillis
Chris became famous for all the deals he'd arrange, 
Discounted so much they became the Columbian Exchange. 

But the best deal of all, the one we owe plenty
Was the bringing of wine to each one out of many
E pluribus unum,  from out of many one
Works well with America, and a cab sauvignon 

He discovered a new world from which to experiment
Making people happy with just one ingredient. 
Republic and Democracy and individual rights 
Words worth toasting with the perfect sparkling white. 

America's the greatest country, we all know that's true, 
But we're still a work in progress with things left to do. 
CC found America, and now the world looks to us
Time to uncork the vino, share with all on this bus

There's been too much divisiveness and rancor out there
don't swap spit with a jackass, just share your carmeñere.
Celebrate Columbus for the things he made possible
And any problems we have, this is America, they're solvable. 

He left us the legacy of Latin America 
The samba, the mambo and the caliente Shakira.
North of the border, we have cowboys and Indians
Hip hop and rock, and a thing called millennials

All this is fine if you pair the right wine
Choose this correctly and you'll lessen the whine
Be as generous with your pour as you are with advice, 
Then social media warriors will have done something nice. 

Hey this is America...a dream come true and a work in progress. 

Yeah runnin' down a dream
That never would come to me
Workin' on a mystery, goin' wherever it leads
Runnin' down a dream

Warning: Explicit Material Below!!!

May all your pain be champagne, Antoinette. 

Click bait... gotcha! Sorry to disappoint those of you looking for this month's centerfold🙊❌❌❌🙊, but since you're here you might as well pay tribute to the legendary founder of Playboy, Hef! Afterall, you read the magazine for the articles anyway right? 😉Though Hef's intention to present the image of a worldly, sophisticated and well-read man, surrounded by beautiful women, expensive cars, high-tech gadgets, the best wines and spirits, and the latest in bathrobe fashion may have inspired the ire of some, his mission was to provide a few extra laughs and a little diversion for the anxieties of the Atomic age. Well guess what... with "Rocket Man"🚀 unhappy with the state of kimchee, things haven't changed all that much since the 1950's.  Ironic this is the anniversary of the "Twilight Zone." Never fear...I have the diversion for any dimension...WINE, Baseball and a couple of recommendations. So uncork a bottle of Bear Flag Zin and listen up. First, some advice for you Lil Kim... get on the world's good side and donate some blood to the victims of hurricanes and deadly shootings...I suggest donating all of it!😝 Speaking of living in the twilight zone...Saudi Arabia is going to let women drive!!!🏎 Not that I'm against that, but to lessen the impact on global warming🔥 because of additional drivers I think people in Maryland should relinquish their licenses... they are a blue state, they won't mind. Better pour me another glass! Also, Twitter has decided that all those 140 character pundits on their site need the ability to show off the entire breadth of their intellect, so they have doubled the size of their page limit, I mean letter/emoji limit to 280. Gee that won't be twice as annoying!🙉 I'm imagining a lot of left over spaces, or a lot more exclamation points and hearts!♥️  I'll drink more wine... that always washes away cynicism.🙊You know what else does? Baseball!⚾️ The place where the crowd thinks the last two words of the national anthem are, "play ball!" 🇺🇸The sport where when you hit a homerun, you circle the bases, and run into the dugout. If it's a big moment... the crowd will ask you back out where you will tip your cap. If anyone pulls an OBJ dog with small bladder/ brain stunt, they would quickly find out what a 100mph fastball in the ribs feels like. Baseball plays everyday like Americans work everyday. It's about the effort, the ground, the place, and the weather. For almost all it's a slow grind through school, dusty minor league towns and if they get lucky...a moment in the show... just like the perfect bottle of Rutherford Cab... dust included. 🍷I love all sports and all kinds of wine, but it's the playoffs now... I'll be uncorking something nice, while I take my sport without the need to be politically affirmed on the field...of dreams. Play Ball and beat the drum...hold the phone, the sun came out today. We're born again, there's new grass on the field...A-roundin' third and headed for home, It's a brown-eyed handsome man. Anyone can understand the way I feel...
Oh, put me in coach, I'm ready to play today!