Don't Drink the Water

Don't stop drinking for good, because then you'd be drinking for evil Antoinette!

Well boys and girls it's a good week for drinking out there, because it's a good week to celebrate that which makes living worth living... warm weather, outdoor parties, day drinking, playing the ponies and road trips south of the border even if they're metaphorical. First off all those nutjob types trying to prevent global warming have been soundly defeated. That's right...for the umpteenth consecutive year it's going to get hot up in here... the north...above the equator and next to Winterfell, Detroit, the Dakotas, and even NYC where just like that huge undead lizard Viserion, a dragon lady's breath has been heating up the city while trying to cool it down with her constant braying of oxymoronic Icy hot non sequiturs #AOC. So for the time being Winter isn't coming...the undead are dead...and now there's a big pile of bones to clean up in the front yard so tell the Baha Men I let the dogs out to clean up the mess☠🍗. Oooh, that was ruff...ruff! (Dad joke#1) If you G.O.T. then you know what I'm talking about, though unlike G.O.T. I tend to shine some light on the subject so that hopefully you will see what I'm saying, and more importantly see what you're drinking 🍹because we have some great reasons to throw them back this week. I'm not talking about made up things that couldn't really happen in the real world like dragons🐉 in NYC #AOC or Chappaqua #imwithered for that matter, and Night Kings 👹though I did know a guy in Santorini who said his name was Andreas the King of the Night for his ability with the ladies, and Zombies🧟‍♂️🧟‍♀️...the undead types not the ones that make your wish you were dead🍸, and bars that actually only serve NON alcoholic drinks🍼 but charge as if they had put alcohol in it. Huh? 🤔 Hello! That's called a mixer. And a mixer without alcohol is like a mixer without women...no point! Color me old fashioned, but bars were invented for a reason. A place where men can be men. Drink, curse, fight, brag, pick up girls the old fashioned way with their full proof pick up lines like, "I don't have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out?" Yeah #metoo. Not any of this new fangled jive of internet dating, swiping right and exaggerated bio's of alternative facts. Real men exaggerate face to face which means alcohol is required for the blurred vision and lower standards. Now I don't have a problem with someone taking a night off from drinking, or nine months when necessary... afterall, the world needs designated drivers. But as a general rule I don't get why you would go to a "bar" that doesn't put alcohol in the drink, charges you like it does with a $13 coconut and pineapple cocktail, otherwise known as the master cleanse, knowing that the patrons won't get any better looking, they'll be less likely to respond favorably to your pick up lines and your likeliness of going home alone is like 100%. Imagine the conversations...they will all be centered on their latest cleanse. Now I certainly appreciate toilet humor as much as the next guy, but when out in NYC with the stars and glitterati I prefer to leave the detritus of Uranus out of it. (Dad joke #2)  Remember boys and girls, if you are going to live your life sans alcohol...when you wake up is as good as you will feel all day. That's not me talking...that's science and who wants to be a science denier👨‍🔬. Now time for some more science and with a higher probability of being legitimate than climate forecasting or modern sexual determination♀️♂️. 

That's right I'm talking about betting on the horses. This week kicks off the race for the Triple Crown with the 145th Run for the Roses, 🏇the Kentucky Derby...the oldest continuous sporting event in the USA. 🇺🇸#MAGA.  So put on your big hat🎩, your funny socks🧦, mix a batch of mint Juleps🍹, and put your money down💵. I like to bet a favorite☝️, a medium risk🤞 and a long shot 🙏so this year I'm going Omaha Beach, Tacitus, and Cutting Humor for the big bucks. Warning: this is not to be considered advice on how to spend your savings unless I'm right, and you win, then I want a cut...otherwise just consider it like the above mentioned sciences...political science...where the real world doesn't matter just the ability to take advantage of the power of stupid people in large groups🐑🐑🐑. The other good thing about the Derby this year is that it serves as a warm up to that festival of all festivals🎉🎊🎈. The gran fiesta... the party that will never let you forget when it is🗓. The party that assures that all Americans of drinking age are bilingual...sì, sì. The fiesta that ensures Mexico's war record will include at least one victory, and France would once again play the role of Sister Mary's of the Poor in the season opener against Notre Dame🏈 OMD! Well it's important to warm up before going all out whether you're a realist, or live in the land of make believe dragons🐉, zombies🧟‍♀️ and Star Trek characters👽. So take your time...build up your alcohol tolerance🍾🍷🍸🍹🍺🍻🥂 on Saturday at the Derby parties and your number one son's graduation😀, and then Sunday you'll be slamming piñatas as fast as tequila slammers on Cinco de Mayo🇲🇽. In other words for all you trekkies...May the Fourth be with you!(Dad Joke #3...I know that will trigger somebody🤯) Well I think it's time for some Refreshments, and then let's head south of the border and get this party started... just don't drink the water and watch out for the Banditos...

So give you ID card to the border guard
Your alias says you are John Luke Picard
Of the united federation of planets
'Cause they won't speak English any ways

Everybody knows
That the world is full of stupid people
So meet me at the mission at midnight
We'll divvy up there

Yeah, everybody knows
That the world is full of stupid people
Well I got the pistol so I get the pesos
Yeah that seems fair

Resurrection and the Life...Tres Existential

If you see a rabbit laying little brown eggs, don't eat them... they aren't chocolate Antoinette!

Well ladies and gentlemen, now that the Easter eggs have been hunted🐰, the Seder has been eaten🐑, and The Man has risen🙏 it's a good time to take an accounting. By the way, Lent has also ended and for those of you foolish enough to have given up drinking it's time for you to get back on the sauce🍸. This past week marks the holiest combined week of the religions that fostered Western Civilization⛪, science, culture, individual freedom, capitalism💵, watchable sports🏈🏀⚾️🏒🥊👙, wine🍷, beer🍺, whiskey🍹, HDTV🖥, air conditioning, the V-8 engine🏎, astronauts👨‍🚀, action movies, Cowboys🤠, The Boss, The Stones, centerfolds etc., etc. It also produced a couple writers you've probably heard of... wordsmith Bill Shakespeare who was existentially "To Be" this week in 1564, and Not to Be the same day in 1616. This week also marks the initial publication of Charles Dickens', "A Tale of Two Cities"🗼🌁 which famously marked another existential moment when he said "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness... it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness," which of course could be seen as an apt description of the current state of affairs. Now of course you can give a thumbs up or a thumbs down to the philosophy of existentialism, because hey, afterall it's about individual freedom and choice man and "you know, that's just like your opinion man." Just ask the Dude if you don't believe me😎. But existentialism also is the idea that the meaning of life can't be found in Monty Python skits🙈🙉🙊, but rather in making rational decisions in an irrational world🌍. Unfortunately, the irrational and what you can call the opposite of existentialist, the nihilists, seem to be winning at times... and if this doesn't give you pause to think, a hankering for a Gauloise🚬, and a big thirst for drink 🍺then I don't know what will. Je pense donc je suis!🤔 If you read my blog last week you know the theme was the amount of disasters that have historically occurred that week, and little did I know that two more would be added to the list. Of course I also said that Western civilization has given all of us, believer and non believer the desire and ability to make increasingly rational decisions to better our lives, and then Judeo-Christian beliefs gave us the faith and optimism to work towards a better life ahead. A resurrection of our spirits if you will. 

Of course tragically last Monday, Notre Dame, the heart of Paris and heartbeat of French history was very nearly destroyed by fire. But out of the ashes of despair, resolve took over, and the collective will of citizens rich and poor vowed to rebuild asap. Then the irrational clamored for attention. "What about____?" Fill in the blank with whatever cause you want... but this has nothing to do with the gap between rich and poor, taxing policies, secular vs the faithful or, believe it or not, climate change.🏜 It's about restoring hope, raising the human spirit, and uplifting the disheartened. It isn't just a building, it's a church⛪...a symbol of hope, a work of beauty, and an opportunity for Resurrection open to all. Hey, irrationals... nihilism is no way to live its just death before death. I recommend having a seance and try to communicate with the perpetrators of last week's other tragedy👹👎... the Islamic terrorist bombing of churches in Sri Lanka on Easter😢. Because the only virgins they'll get the pleasure of is 72 satanic horny goats🐐😂. In fact, new translations of the text suggest the reward for martyrdom was cool white raisins🥂 (white wine? ) not doe eyed virgins. Oops! And ouch! Besides, what if the suicide bomber is a female... is a virgin Male worth blowing yourself apart for 2 seconds of his pleasure? 🤔😉I would think not...word of advice...get laid 72 times on earth first, hold yourself together, preach peace, practice peace like we all should, and start drinking... just give pinot a chance🍷... it will resurrect your spirits with spirits.😀 And for nihilists and others who reject the benefits of our Civilization in speech while benefiting from it in life...take your hypocritical nonsense and go save Somalia. #ilhanMN. Nowhere in the world are religious practitioners of any faith safer than in a Judeo-Christian culture and no one does more for the poor, the sick and the downtrodden than the church. They don't expect praise, they don't spend most of the donations on admin costs, they don't pay themselves fortune 500 salaries like the Red Cross, and the money just doesn't disappear like your tax dollars down the Easter Bunny hole. I think we see the right way now...what would Jesus do? And when would Jesus Jones sing about it? 

Right here, right now
there is no other place I want to be
Right here, right now
watching the world wake up from history

I saw the decade in, when it seemed 
the world could change at the blink of an eye
And if anything
then there's your sign of the times

I was alive and I waited, waited
I was alive and I waited for this

Right here, right now

Disaster Week

How about a hug..........e bottle of wine Antoinette? 

That's right people, in the immortal words of Captain Brody to Quint, "you're gonna need a bigger bottle"...or something to that effect! There are a lot of reasons to be drinking this week, because if the week ahead had a special airing on the Discovery Channel it could rightfully be called "Disaster Week!" Of course what we're talking about here are the two certain disasters we all will face...Death 💀and Taxes✋! Now hopefully death comes to you and all of us in a manner of our personal choosing like doing one of three things you don't have to be good at to enjoy 🏌️‍♂️🎣💋 and in a non painful way. Leave death by bad dragon's breath🐉, White Walkers🧟‍♂️, green fire and Valerian steel🗡 to those that deserve it... and I think we know who they are!🤔 That kind of pain should be left to G.O.T. types, terrorists, certain politicians, tax collectors, and weather forecasters who routinely manage to reverse 100%and 0% weather predictions. 

Now far be it from me to question the veracity of these scientists who probably get their science from the weather app on their phone☎️, but geez!☀️⛈ And enough of the grandiloquent homilies from the climate sect who believe in climate change like it's a religion🙏...it's not! In fact it's less reliable than futures investing on the stock market📉. Nor is it important 😉 that they are heavily invested in government subsidized unworkable green energy "solutions"🌬 that are too "green" to fail💵. The fact is the earth cools, and the earth warms and will do so no matter what we do. It does this annually and epochally and to bet on the reliability of above said weathermen, remarkably dimwitted millennials #AOC🤡, and the Nostradumbass who "invented" 🤖the internet as "scientific fact" would make Vegas🎰 a great deal of money. I will give you a prediction that you can take to the bank🏦...in the future the earth will warm🏜, and in the future the earth will cool☃️...if you don't believe me just watch the scientists on Game of Thrones and be mindful of which side of the equator you're standing on as to the timing🌎! Ok now that we've staved off that disaster, fill your glass with something strong🍸 and preferably served bottomless... tops are optional!👙😉 A lot of disastrous things have happened to us over the course of this week in history that would make you turn to the bottle...duunnn dunnn... duuuunnnn duun... duuunnnnnnnn dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnn dunnnn...the great San Francisco earthquake and fire🔥, the largest volcanic explosion ever in Indonesia in 1815🌋, horrible tornado outbreaks🌪, the sinking of the Titanic🚢, the movie they made about the sinking of the Titanic📽, Galveston explosion💣, Waco wackos whacked, Lincoln assassinated, Lenin kicks off his murderous spree and the communist blight of the 20th c⚰, Bernie felt the Bern for the first time when he visited Leningrad, Moscow and other socialist paradises...usually described by the inhabitants as Hell. The Khmer Rouge tries their hand at communism, terror and genocide. Suicide bombings at the American embassy in Beirut, Boston Marathon, and OKC💣💥. The first blood was spilled in the Civil War, a high school and college suffered massacres and a Prince died🕺.😥 Now all this may be normal if you live in Westeros, but we here in West Falls Church and the similar 🇺🇸 like things a little more even keel and with less mayhem. But wait... it gets worse! 😯Today is also tax day...the day Big Brother in his infinite wisdom makes sure that you've paid what big bro decides you owe of your property for what's generally described as the "public welfare."  Of course they know what's best to do with your hard earned property, are widely regarded as the best money managers, never use the money in a wasteful or fraudulent way, and have no interest in increasing or consolidating power. After all, have you ever heard of that happening before? What are the odds?😖 Yo, like a hundred percent yo!😬 Well as long as they use it to make sure winter is coming! Wait, what?🥶 #greennewdeal. Now all this might sound like a reason to drink🍷 and drink heavily🍺 to drown your sorrows, lessen the pain, or just because it tastes good🍹. However, I prefer to turn it around. I'm a glass half full kind of guy, and I tend to look at all those bad things...disasters, mayhem, the dart board of weather predictions, thankfully unseen disaster movies about disasters that last longer than the disaster and myriad other tragedies as a reason to lift the glass in a toast.🥂 We are survivors. We face all this with resolve, steadfast determination, courage, a fifth🍾, and the optimism that if we just keep trying tomorrow will be better. The Night King and White Walkers won't be able to handle the heat, Cersei will move to L.A. and fit right in and they'll add a new letter to LGBTQXPALIDOCIOUS so the Unsullied won't feel left out... just without!🙈🙉🙊 So drink up. Count your blessings and be thankful for each day above ground. Welcome to my world where everyone is a Princess or a Prince and when it Rains it's Purple like my Dukes!

I never meant to cause you any sorrow
I never meant to cause you any pain
I only wanted to one time to see you laughing
I only wanted to see you
Laughing in the purple rain

Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
I only wanted to see you
Bathing in the purple rain

Right Thinking

If you're too busy now, Alcohol you later Antoinette. 

Well boys and girls if you're lucky like me you woke up to a beautiful spring day, warm temperatures and a week ahead that has much to celebrate🎉. Of course the best way to celebrate is to uncork a bottle of your favorite wine🍾, pour yourself a frosty brew🍺, or sip from your favorite whiskey glass. Better yet, do all three... go big or go home🍸! This week is all about being Right!☝️ First tonight you want to be Right on who you bet on to win the NCAA tournament🏀 or you'll be Left with no dough😭, and later this week you'll want to pick the Right golfer🏌️‍♂️ to win the Green Jacket at the Master's or you'll be Left with a big hole in your wallet👎. Fore🤕! So make sure to bet the Right way🤑! It's also a big week in the history of these here United States 🇺🇸and we always want to be on the Right side of history. This week 158 years ago saw 11 states secede from the nation because the first Republican president was elected leading to the terrible event we call the Civil War🧨. Four years later and 154 years ago this same week the nation finally saw it come to an end along with our nation's unsavory connection to slavery🎆. Our country emerged on the Right side of history and forged a new stronger America in part led by a patriotic and loyal South who have since placed themselves on the Right side of history where the value lies in the individual, free from the plantation or the big government slave masters who would have you believe that they'll take care of you. That lunacy will be Left to those still worshipping at the altar of the 20th century's most diabolical conceit... socialism👹...slavery by a different name and in sheep's clothing. Don't be a sheep, be a lion... remember might makes Right🦁! Everyone else just gets Left-overs...#bernwarrenharrisaocetal🦄💩! It's kind of ironic that the Democrats haven't been this mad at a Republican President like they are now since the first one, Abe, took their slaves away! 🙈🙉🙊

You know who else is Right? Buddha! Today marks the birthday of the loveable, monk, sage, philosopher, golf aficionado🏌️‍♂️ (big hitter the Buddha), teacher and religious leader with the beer gut. You know how you get a beer gut? You drink beer that's how...also known as Nirvana btw🍻. (Good advice would be to rub Buddha's belly for good luck before placing any bets this week...just saying) Buddha figured out a way of living that is good enough for a few hundred million adherents today, because after all, who doesn't want to achieve total consciousness and have that going for you...which is nice. Just remember...gunga lagunga!🤔 Now it's time for the really heavy stuff to come down.☔ Back nearly three millennia ago, Prince Siddhartha 🤴gave up a kingdom to become a Monk because he realized there were better things than getting his palaces🏰 featured on MTV Cribs. He was also looking for a way for mankind to achieve Nirvana without constantly reincarnating themselves until you got it Right! Remember, sometimes you come back Left as a bug 🦟or a jackass🐴! That's no way to Nirvana... even the Beatles🐞 found that out this week back in 1970 when they were Left without a band🎸🥁. No the Buddha figured out that Nirvana is the extinguishing of the "fires" of desire, hatred, and ignorance, that keep the cycle of suffering and rebirth going. Nirvana is also regarded as the "end of the world", in that no personal identity or boundaries of the mind remain... just total consciousness like Carl Spackler😎! He also said there are "four noble truths"...suffering is an ingrained part of existence; the origin of suffering is craving for sensuality, acquisition of identity, and fear of annihilation; that suffering can be ended which is Nirvana; and that following the Eightfold Path is the means to accomplish this which proves that Buddha is Right...the Eightfold Path is the Right View, Right Intention, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness, and Right Concentration which means it's very unlikely the #AOC will ever be Right! Yeah #metoo! Time to be on the Right side of history, and the Right side of Nirvana. Don't come back as a donkey, just achieve total consciousness because then you will always be Right. And if I were you I wouldn't bet on Phil Mickelson this week at the Master's or Maduro in Venezuela...I don't think it's a good week to be known as Lefty! Alright time to go work on your Buddha gut and achieve your own Nirvana with something delicious... something that will get you Right and into Seventh Heaven, so you might as well put some music on because it's only Monday and we need to go all week...and what better way to Rock Around the Clock🕰 than to celebrate the song that blazed a new musical trail🎸 like a Comet🌠this week back in1954...Rock-N- Roll...with some help from Bill Haley:

One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock, rock
Five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock, rock
Nine, ten, eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, rock
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight...

When the chimes ring five, six and seven

We'll be right in seventh heaven
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight
We're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight
We're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight

Well to be Frank, I'd have to change my name!

Drink wine because it's important not to keep things bottled up Antoinette

As we all know, paronomasia is a form of word play that exploits multiple meanings of a term, or of similar-sounding words, for an intended humorous or rhetorical effect.🤔 These ambiguities can arise from the intentional use of homophonic, homographic, metonymic, or figurative language. Of course this is different from a malapropism in that a malapropism is an incorrect variation on a correct expression and would be bad  strategery to misunderestimate its importance, while a paranomasia involves expressions with multiple interpretations like the fact that while Joe Biden admits he's known 8 presidents, he's only been intimate with three🙈. Now, now this is the 21st century don't get all homophonic on me! Huh?🙉  Now of course none of this sounds very funny and you may be asking yourself where this is heading and why isn't dry wit😉, dry wine🍷, and dry martinis🍸 involved...no pun intended. 🙊That's right we're talking about the dad 😎jokes of humor. Those moments when kids groan🤪, you're best girl rolls her eyes🙄, and your buddies tell you to shut up and your buying the next round🍻. Beer me!

Unless of course they're a dad and they get it! 😄In other words, it's April Fools Day🤡 every day if you're a dad...at least as far as humor goes, and while puns may be regarded as low humor, they're certainly punny! Get it? Yeah #metoo. Let's break this down. First of all let's look at the homophonic variety...as opposed to the homophobic variety (fear of homos), but actually most people are just threatened by homos because they have never tried it...try it you may like it. Just dip right in and get a mouth full! I like mine spicey. 🙈 Make sure to have plenty of pita bread on hand though, otherwise you'll have to just use your finger☝️. What? That's spelled houmous or hummus, not homos! Dang, I must have been hooked on phonics! See what I did there? How dry was that?😑 Now that will make a believer out of you because that was money 💵even if you believe in that non prophet institution, atheism!👿 You know those people, the same ones who are afraid of Santa, the claustrophobics!🎅 Round of applause please! I love it when I get my own jokes. You must have a chocolate craving, cuz I hear you Snickering out there🍫! Man I crack myself up. Now homographic puns don't necessarily need a NSFW warning in case The Man is around, but be wary because if you're weary you may not realize where he is and homographic puns rely on sight. Kind of like when the smog lifts in California, UCLA! 😉And when the fog lifts in San Fran...never mind that Haight gonna happen... all that Ash will Bury them!🤔😁 I get it, that might deserve a groan! Maybe I need a refill🍺... people tell me I'm funny when I'm drinking as far as I know!🤫 Now of course metonymic puns are just word substitutions, like "how do you like my new ride" for car. Or, "what's the Donald up to now?" for the Prez. Or "when you spell April Fool, do you capitalize all the letters A O C and do you have to use a hashtag?" Or "do you think Fauxcahontas will get the support of Redskin fans?" Hey, I just ask the questions. Of course there are also those tricky compound puns like VD will make you Feel the Bern unless you protect yourself by taking precautions and make reservations. You could probably ask Ms Warren🛶 where the best Reservations are to be made...I hear she has an in, and possibly an Inn there! Or is that a teepee? Just remember, puns about communists aren't funny unless everyone gets them🤔👍🤣 and the problem with political jokes is that sometimes they get elected. I'm here all week, try the veal. Unless you're a vegan, but that would be a missed steak! Sorry if any of this triggered anybody, but just because you're offended doesn't make you right, in fact it will just leave you left with nothing... to smile about. I think it's time I go back to hard liquor, but unfortunately my relationship with whiskey is on the rocks. Ironic the timing huh? And is irony the opposite of wrinkly? Now I'm on a roll, but before I get carried away and make a mountain out of a molehill, it's important to remember mountains aren't just funny, they're hill areas! Haha, LMAO! I hear you... you ain't got no time for that! But be careful, double negatives are a no-no in the English language. Maybe it's time I put a sock in it (metonymic, 😉) after all silence is golden and duct tape is silver, 🙊! Ok I'll end with this last pat on the back...I've done a whole blog and not one mention of the punniest word ever invented, without which we'd all be living a mirthless life, constipated with vitriol, and peopled by anally retentive types whose only release would be the gaseous, bilious swill they regurgitate ad nauseam in tweets, blogs, political speeches and the news. You guessed it, I'm talking about Uranus!💩 Of course, I'm sure you know that the etymology of the word Uranus... it comes from eurythmics which is music to my ears because it's about music and MOVEMENTS! Man I CRACK myself up... thinking of movements... put on some music and lets dance🕺💃...how does that song go? 

Sweet dreams are made of cheese, 

who am I to disa-brie

Wait no...

Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
I travel the world
And the seven seas,
Everybody's looking for something.

Some of them want to use you

Some of them want to be used by you

Some of them want to abuse you

Some of them want to be abused by you