War on Men

Sometimes you need something a little stronger than wine, Antoinette.

Well boys and girls it's the last day of 2018🍾🎉🥳 and if there is one thing we've learned this year is that the world is full of the ridiculous...and if you remove the "ri" and the first "u" from that word you'll see where this is headed!🤔🙈 That's right there's a war on men and I'm here to fight back! There seems to be only one safe space left for us non quiche eating XYs🤠...the Man Cave! The only respite for the marginalized voice of men! Which is why I've decided to fight this battle from my "cave"... and my new blog...The Man Cave Rave! Of course, as you might expect this war emanated from Europe where the testosterone level has been plummeting for decades. Combined with the birth of the gender confused millennial, science denying LGBTQXPALIDOCIOUS community and yeah, #metoo (doesn't bisexual imply only 2 genders? How discriminating can you get). Men are being attacked from all sides including ironically by...The Man!?🤔 Which in this case is the government maaannnn and the Dude can't abide! Big Brother armed with a pen and a politically correct fanaticism that seeks to erase all things phallic from existence🗼. If that's not denying science I don't know what is! Apparently the E.U. (rhymes with P.U.) wants to delete all references to men in their translations among their 28 participating countries. They want to make words gender inclusive and pronouns gender neutral...in other words they want to neuter men! Now while this may have made learning my noun declensions easier in Latin with only one sexless ending...I don't think they've fully thought this through. Some things don't matter like police officer instead of policeman or policewoman when talking to a mixed group... since in everyday parlance they're just 5-0,  or PoPo! But the world can't do without man/men...without which you wouldn't have woman/ women, and I'm not talking about X and Y, nor am I talking about Adam's Rib. If you remove man/men from the language and replace it with something neutered here's what you get...the loss of humanity (hupeoplety?)! No more humans, just people. You can't say Romance, manners, Mannischevitz, manufacture, sportsmanship, demanding, performance, manage, mango, Roman, mandolin, and in Spanish there'd be no tomorrow (psst...mañana) without man. The movie Flashdance would be without their hit song🤔😉. Kids would have to use the 4 letter version of cow manure. Heterosexual Mermaids would have no one to hook up with🙈🧜‍♀️🧜‍♂️. No more of grandma's manicotti. You'd never get to stay at Mandalay in Vegas. What are you going to call a Preying Mantis? What's Manfred Mann going to call themselves? Talk about Blinded by the Light. Which brothers are you going to credit with 4 superbowls🤔🏈😁? Who wrote Magic Mountain? What's a third wheel in France going to do without the ménage à tois? How do you have a bromance without a man? What language will 1.2 billion Chinese speak? What happens to Manchester, Mannheim, Manila, Manitoba? Where do the Yemeni live? Where will the dyslexic go without Panama?🤔😉 The Beatles🐞 would be without a big hit and the IRS would have no money💵...hmm, wait a minute?🤔 Nevermind, the point is the world needs man's kind. Not to mention without which you can't have wo-men. You can't even have fe-males. It's the new year men, resolve to step up and be like Ricky Bobby🏎...get your balls back...and tell the haters to leave your manhood alone. It faces enough dangers from everyday life...flying objects🏌️‍♂️🏒⚾️⚽️, stray kicks🥋, No's👙💋, e.t.c...without having to fight city hall 🏛and big government. Remember men, it's your cave... you make the rules. Eat, Drink, smoke and watch all the sports you want. Decorate it like the neanderthal caveman caves with cartoon pictures of velvet dogs playing poker, stuffed animals, and bikini clad cavegirls like Raquel Welch in One Million Years B.C.🤪 Now have a blast New Year's Eve and drink up. Remember, wine is delicious🍷, but sometimes you need something a little stronger🍸 and all you have to do is watch football🏈 tomorrow! Now put on some James Brown🕺 and play your music loud! Hold on... what dear? Turn it down? Yes dear...🙉🙈🙊

This is a man's world, this is a man's world
But it wouldn't be nothing, nothing without a woman or a girl

You see, man made the cars to take us over the road
Man made the trains to carry heavy loads
Man made electric light to take us out of the dark
Man made the boat for the water, like Noah made the ark

This is a man's, a man's, a man's world
But it wouldn't be nothing, nothing without a woman or a girl

Baby, it's Cold Outside Holiday Mashup

I'm going to lie under the Christmas Tree ...to remind everyone I'm a gift Antoinette.

There's been a lot of talk, maybe too much talk about this next song... but it's not a rebel song, it's Baby, it's cold outside! You-two huh, yeah #metoo! 🤔😉😂  The question in front of us this holiday season is when is music just music, and when is it more dangerous than playing Helter Skelter backwards?😰 So I think it's our duty to parse the lyrics of "Baby..."  to death in order to discern if there are any latent Weinsteinisms and Cosbyisms... or rather is the outrage just another example of science deniers and braying jackasses 🐎refusing to acknowledge the health benefits of plying your special someone with wine🥂 to better help them exercise😉 thereby ruining Christmas for everybody. Let's take a look at the evidence and sing along to Baby, It's Cold Outside.
      HER.                                   (HIM)
I really can't stay....(but the weather outside is frightful)🌨
I gotta go away...(and the fire in here is so delightful)🔥
This evening has been...(and it feels like now my chestnuts are roasting on an open fire vent)
So very nice...(don't go outside Jackfrost will be nipping at your nose and thighs)
My mother will start to worry...(But I'll have a blue Christmas without you so don't hurry )
My father will be pacing the floor...(I'll be so blue🌬 thinking about you and trying to score)
So really I'd better scurry...(But, I'm Santa🎅 baby and down your chimney tonight I'll hurry)
Well maybe just a half a drink more🍷...(now you're talking, I'm your Santa cutie and there's one thing I really need, the deed...for shore)😉

The neighbors might think...(Baby it's bad out there and you could get run over by a reindeer)🦌
Say what's in this drink?...(Just cabernet 🍷don't worry about it...you can't walk home on Christmas eve without cheer)🎄
I wish I knew how...(with you it's the most wonderful time of the year right now)
To break this spell...(there'll be much mistletoeing) (my hope will be growing you can tell)🗼🙊
I ought to say no, no, no sir...(later on we'll conspire, as we sit by the fire♨️ to face unafraid the plans that we made canoodling in a winter wonderland'er)
At least I'm gonna say that I tried...(Baby it's the bright time, the right time, to rock the night away I lied)💃🕺
I really can't stay...(and jingle bell time is a swell time to go gliding on my one horse sleigh)🙈
Baby it's cold outside

Ah, you're very pushy you know?...(don't you know it's Christmastime at all...free your world)

I simply must go...(don't be a monster Ms Grinch with your heart an empty hole)😫
The answer is no...(... no need to worry about this 39 and half feet pole)🙉
The welcome has been...(my one wish on Christmas eve is as plain as it could be when)
So nice and warm...(all I want for Christmas, is my 2 minutes between the sheets with your form)
My sister will be suspicious...(if you want to be happy in a million ways delicious)😉
My brother will be there at the door...(you can't beat my home for the holidays anymore)🏡
My maiden aunt's mind is vicious...(what fun it is to ride and sing a laying song tonight...mmm scrumpdillyicious)🙉
Well maybe just a cigarette more...(jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way till we score) (oh what fun it is to ride on this one eyed #%@!....Say! )🙊

I've got to get home...(I'll have you singing, o Tannenbaum, o tannenbaum)🎄
Say lend me a coat?...(Much pleasure doth will bring moi)🙈
You've really been grand...(... oh how you made me come to life this day, there must have been some magic in that old "silk hat" you found)😉
But don't you see?...(Cuz when you placed it on my head, boy did I dance around thee)🙈
There's bound to be talk tomorrow...(Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump, it's not Frosty⛄ in here anymorrow)
At least there will be plenty implied...( it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas inside)🔥
I really can't stay...(here comes Santa claus, here comes Santa Claus...right down Santa claus way)😍
Baby it's cold...(and I got a bag filled with joys I'm told)🎁
Baby it's cold outside...(hear those "sleigh bells" jingle? Cuz you're such a beautiful sight)😘
Okay fine, just another drink then...(now jump in bed, because Santa Claus comes tonight!) 🛏🌋

That took a lot of convincing!...(Just my own special recipe for wassail'incing! ) uh oh...🙈🙉🙊

See! Nothing to see here. So drink as much wine🍾🍷🥂 and Christmas cheer as it takes to make Christmas and everyday a special day. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! Cheers.

Gift Giving Guide

If you give a man a bottle of wine he drinks for a day, if you give him a case he might share Antoinette.

Well boys and girls you know what time it is...it's time to start thinking about what Christmas gifts🎁 you can get for those sometimes hard to shop for people on your list which of course means adults. So no Red Ryder BB guns🔫 and Doll Houses🏡 here. (I wonder how many people that triggered, 🤔😉) So whether you draw names to buy gifts among friends and family, are attending a White Elephant Party🐘,  involved in a secret Santa exchange🎅🤶, sucking up to someone, or actually care about the recipient...buying the right gift can be difficult, so I'm here to help MCGA with the gifts that keep on giving🎁.  Let's start with drawing names for friends and family...the secret here is to draw a Male giftee👨...so the first piece of advice is to cheat, bribe, e.t.c to make sure of this...all in the Christmas spirit of course. The reason being is guys are easy, easily satisfied, easily impressed, and easily humored. Since the adage more is better usually applies, I suggest something that overdelivers for the price. For instance the all in one shampoo🛀, that washes, conditions, rinses, shines shoes, removes stains, acts as an aftershave, works as a synthetic replacement for 5w30 oil and comes in a jerri-can. If he happens to be stocked up though I'd go with a super Tuscan🍷...it combines the best of several grapes and is a panacea for all the world's known problems.🍷You probably want to go right to this if the recipient is XX! And if they're XXX you're on your own🙈! Now for the White Elephant affair the trick is actually to bring a gift that you wouldn't mind keeping in case it works it's way back to you...for instance, The Planetary Joke Book that wonders with Pluto gone, what if Neptune disappeared? Then all Planetary jokes would end with Uranus! Get it? Man I crack myself up🙉. But if that's what you did last year, then I suggest a nice whimsical little Sancerre from the left bank of the Loire in case you're at a party where everyone drinks red. Now gift buying for the Office Secret Santa Affair depends entirely on whether you want to...hmm, how should I say this...settle down for a long winter's nap with the giftee😉...or would prefer not to repeat last year's hashtag...yeah #metoo🙊! If it's the former I recommend a prenuptial and a can of whipped cream! If it's the latter I suggest something sensible like a Napa Cab and to stay away from the mistletoe💋. Now when it comes to sucking up (is that even possible? )... of course the traditional always works...money💵, diamonds💎, lingerie👙, boats🛥, exotic trips🏖, and bacon🥓! But if you've already run through those suck ups, I'd suggest something exquisite...a bottle of Chateau Margaux🍷! And just to be safe...bring the bacon🥓! And finally, if you're buying a gift for someone you actually care about, the suck up gifts are nice, whipped cream can work depending...you work that part out...and humor is always welcome so keep "Uranus" on the back burner🌠. But if you really want to wow that special someone with a little something so maybe you'll get a lil sumpin sumpin, then I suggest something with bubbles... let's go with a bottle of 1998 Piper Heidsieck Prestige Cuvee🍾. It pairs well with bacon🥓, and makin' bacon💥! And don't worry, none of these will ever be regifted. Remember, it's better to give than receive so time to be like RHCP and Give it Away...

Give it away give it away give it away now
Give it away give it away give it away now
Give it away give it away give it away now

Lucky me swimmin' in my ability
Dancin' down on life with agility
Come and drink it up from my fertility
Blessed with a bucket of lucky mobility

The Doctor is in...

Remember drinking wine is a marathon, not a sprint Antoinette.

The doctor is in...Now in all honesty I don't actually have a medical degree👨‍⚕️, nor have I played one on TV, but I'm pretty sure I've played doctor before 😉 🙈and I've definitely slept in a Holiday Inn Express which is pretty much the equivalent. So while I don't have time to make house calls, I do have the time to give what I'm sure is much sought after and important advice🙉, make accurate diagnoses, and most importantly prescribe the appropriate remedy🥂. So please just take a seat in the waiting room and I'll be with you in turn🏪. First off let's take care of our foreign patients who are suffering from a très grave maladie...zee French🗼! It seems they are suffering from a bout of "yellow fever", which in this case has nothing to do with their fighting spirit🏳🙊. There seems to be a disconnect between Macron and the elite and Jean Q. Publique over taxes, 1%ers, and the Paris Climate Accords😷...well one thing is certain, Climate Change is real in the City of Light...things are heating up 🔥faster than a Harvey Weinstein couch interview... yeah #metoo! Time for cooler tetes to prevail, so my prescription is a fresh start, and what's fresher than a new Beaujolais🍷, except maybe a Frenchman! Drink up frogs 🐸so we'll always have Paris! Next up! Ah PETA and vegans🥕. It seems a group of the easily and ridiculously offended are worried about the impact of commonplace idioms in the English language that if not replaced will undoubtedly lead to millions of deaths, increased global warming, an epidemic of youth violence towards the earth's creature's and unhealthy relationships between people and animals. Metaphors like, bring home the bacon🥓, kill 2 birds 🐥🐦with one stone and the inciteful, put all your eggs 🐣in one basket! Now while this may seem like a real problem to those whose basket is missing a few soy based brain particles, the fact is it's not. Rather it's a symptom of what we doctors refer to as YOYFM(you're outta your...), and the only solution is a dose of reality...a 1.5L bottle of Rosenblum Stark Raving [mad] Red🍷... that should cure you... oh, and a bbq pork sandwich🌭. Who's next? Ah Christmas show haters🎅. The diagnosis for those who actually have to seek out things to take offense is complicated, because irrational behavior for those afflicted with victimization hypochondria don't respond well to common sense, nor surprisingly even to a smack upside the head👊. So even though Rudolph, that red nosed reindeer🦌, is a lesson about bullying, the Christmas spirit, teamwork e.t.c, and all is resolved with a classic happy ending...the Grinches and Scrooges and chief global warmer, Puffington Host among others are deriding the classic family show for perceived injustices. Now of course, Santa 🎅is the man, but he's not The Man👹, that people should "fight". That's big brother, big government and big blow hard fake news outlets. Now of course a 4 year old could explain the show, but they aren't qualified to write the prescription...those afflicted need to take this Rx double fisted...in one hand a big cup of STHU, and in the other hand a glass of intelligence you find in a super Tuscan. A blend of enjoyment and tranquility and hopefully a soupcon of common sense. Ok who's left. Ah, the socialist congresswoman elect who thinks she ran for student government👩‍🎓. What seems to be the problem Alexandria "the original" O-C? Hmm, the president's son shared a meme joking about your undeveloped brains incapacity to understand the failures of socialism and it hurt your feelings so you threatened him with the power that you will gain once you're confirmed in Congress which is a violation of house ethics. Well...detention, a note home, and no social media for a month ordinarily would do the trick, but I think a stronger remedy is necessary. And even though you're just a freshman, presumably you're of legal age and an adult, so you need an adult's only prescription to cure you and keep you from being more useless than the "T" in Pinot! In fact that's what the doctor orders. A never expiring amount of Pinot Noir, the intelligent wine, so that eventually, hopefully, wistfully, prayerfully you'll one day be like the Doctor who drinks wine and knows things because! Then maybe take a trip to Venezuela🇻🇪 for a refresher. Phew! What a day... time to stay current on the newest medicines, it's 5:00 somewhere...maybe I'll even try what the A-O-C drinks in her home town with her Beastie Boys... Brass Monkey 

... that funky Monkey
Brass Monkey junkie
That funky Monkey

Brass, got this dance that's more than real
Drink Brass Monkey here's how you feel
Put your left leg down your right leg up
Tilt your head back let's finish the cup
M.C.A. With the bottle (D. Rocks the can)
Adrock gets nice with Charlie Chan
We're offered Moet (we don't mind Chivas)
Wherever we go with bring the Monkey with us
Adrock drinks three (Mike D. Is D.)
Double R. Foots the bill most definitely
I drink Brass Monkey and I rock well...

The Travesty of Outrage!

You know what rhymes with Monday? Wine...I think they call that free verse Antoinette.

Wake up America! It's time to get "woke"! It's time to solve the greatest problem of our day, harder even than a problem like Maria🗻🎤🎼🤔(I dare you to not start singing Sound of Music songs, 🙉)... it's the travesty of our current being where outrage is the overriding emotion and national reflex to absolutely everything🙍‍♂️. Where the shrieking, and crying, and hyperbolic exhaltations of perceived victimization has become the everyday meme. After we stop laughing at the absurdity of modern outrage😂, maybe it's time for those with common sense to get outraged enough to stop the nonsense before our forefathers come down from heaven and smite us!😠👊 Essayist, Lance Morrow, has pointed out that for the entire 21st century the mantra has been to "stay woke" which means to stay outraged. And with the advent of social media, an endless 👨‍💻"electronic brawl"👩‍💻 has kept so many in a state of rage😡 over every little thing, real and imagined. That's why we have the travesty of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood Colleges👨‍🏫 run by Maoist nutjobs👹 where identity politics, indoctrination, dogmatism and the coddling of grievances has won out over common sense; the travesty of language where pronouns are now repressive; the travesty of sex between men and women which has been pretty good at keeping the human race alive is now the passe, "heteronormative" behavior of repressives; and the list goes on fueled by the internet, talk shows and newscasts with all the nuance and sophistication of a child's coloring book. America has devolved into tribes where compromise is abhorred, because self-righteousness and self-importance don't allow for tolerance and moral outrage doesn't allow for justice🏛...the only thing that's important is the clever use of the hashtag... yeah #metoo!🙊 Of course outrage is a reductive emotion, often crude, but always simple and easy to understand...just think terrible twos!  Now the good news! Yep, once again I have the solution for outrage! The anecdote for the microaggressions ruining your life. The snake oil for your righteous indignation. And the panacea for all your triggers, microaggressions and self pity...WINE🍷! By the case if need be🍾! Wine allows for compromise because it's all good. Wine stops the crying better than a bottle 🍼for a hungry baby👶 and leaves no room for you thumbsuckers. And wine, though complicated in its formulation🍇, is simple in its remedy...open, pour, drink, repeat! Problem solved! 🤜🤛Let's save our outrage for real things...Pearl Harbor, 9/11, CFP selection🏈, and Pluto's planet status. Let's not turn outrage into a racket. When everyone is outraged about everything, then real grievances lose their meaning. Buck up America...make your grandparents proud👴👵, and conduct yourself with class, dignity, respect, and devotion to what makes America great even when you disagree with someone just like #41 did. Advent started yesterday, so light the candle🕯 for hope, peace, joy and love and snuff out the flame of faux outrage👨‍🚒♨️. It's the holiday season🎅, life's good, be thankful and let wine do the rest. Just remember, while the travesty of faux outrage has to go, there's nothing wrong with The Pretenders so listen up and Stop Your Sobbing...

It is time for you to stop all of your sobbing
Yes it's time for you to stop all of your sobbing oh oh oh
There's one thing you gotta do
To make me still want you
Gotta stop sobbing now
Yeah yeah stop it stop it

It is time for you to laugh instead of crying
Yes it's time for you to laugh so keep on trying oh oh oh
There's one thing you gotta do
To make me still want you
Gotta stop sobbing now
Yeah yeah stop it stop it