420 Reasons to Drink Wine

Three on a match is bad luck Antoinette!

Enough is enough America. Social media warriors, hash taggers, bumper sticker intellectuals..stop it! We get it! Everybody can come up with a ridiculous stat to "prove" their point, post an asinine meme, (who comes up with those btw, what a cool job), and Google some fake news site like the mainstream media to share a shrill and hysterical rant linking people to Hitler, Stalin, Satan, Scary Clowns and the Wicked Witch of the east coast/west coast while exonerating the likes of Fidel or Che. Don't get caught up in the nonsense and skip the Xanax and Valium. Instead, bring civility to your life, food for your soul, calm for your angst and good tips to your bartender and servers, DRINK WINE! Don't post rants! Post babies, puppies, vacays and what you're drinking at happy hour!  And if you're too young to post pics of happy hour, then shush! I don't want to hear it's important young people express their opinions, it's important they learn something first. Remember, children believe in unicorns, Santa Claus and that the sick goldfish just swam back to the ocean through the toilet bowl to see a fish doctor. Now they have learned of a new way to skip school..."I don't like democracy, it's unfair!" If you aren't old enough where WINE can solve your problems, then sit down, get out pen and paper, and take notes. Remember these kids already have a built in skip day that's monitored by Johnny Law, let's keep it to just "Danksgiving, 4/20" and get some learning up here in this joint. (Deliberately punny). Ironic these "peace loving, nonviolent protestors" have no issue celebrating Hitler's birthday and driving around in a Hitler volkswagon with a Daisy on the dash! (Put that in your pipe and smoke it) So again, enough of the politics...pop a cork of something pleasant, friendly, and alluring then talk about non controversial things like religion, pipelines, and "does the weather feel warmer to you"? Make sure you think the last one through. TBC 

For Squanto and 395 Years Ago

Happy Thanksgiving Antoinette!

Ever since Good Ol Abe designated the 4th Thursday in November as a Thanksgiving Holiday*, we Americans gather to give thanks for all our blessings. A day when colonists and Indians lay down their flintlocks and tomahawks...at least until the Cowboys and Redskins kick off! (Thank God Texas joined the union, Pilgrim just doesn't have the same gridiron appeal, and that's the potato variety of redskins for you uber sensitive types) It's a day to celebrate the friendship of Squanto (the founder of Welcome Wagon) who helped the pilgrims overcome the primitive conditions of the new world by teaching them how to plant corn, hunt the elusive Turducken, use feathers as rabbit ears to get better reception on the tv for the big game (only UHF in those days boys and girls, no HD), and in traditional native custom established the first casino and sports book... opening line was even money. We gather to give thanks for our blessings as Americans, for football and fellowship while we are also fortifying ourselves to endure black Friday, large holiday credit card bills, the genocide of 45 million turkeys, and making sure we are fat enough to survive another winter hibernation. And what better way to give thanks, celebrate victories, drown out defeats, or be more drowsy than tryptophan than to drink wine. Unfortunately, the colonist hadn't time to plant grape vines, so they were left with hard cider as their drink to give thanks.  Cider is an excellent beverage to sip while you’re preparing the dinner, but Thanksgiving requires more pizzazz and alcohol content. Instead, go with something sparkling, or perhaps a Pinot Noir or earthy Zinfandel! It's only important that it be your choice, and that your choice be wine! Eat hearty America, nap well, and remember... you're at the big table now....drink as much wine as you want, you aren't going anywhere...that lazyboy has already been reserved!

*Appropriate that Lincoln decreed in 1863 that the Thursday after his Gettysburg Address would become a national holiday. A good time to give thanks for our blessings and to remember  "...that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain." GBA.

The Buffalo Theory

Sticks and stones Antoinette,

Where has the greatest generation gone? Remember when Americans stormed the beaches of Normandy under deadly fire, charged up Mt. Suribachi and planted Old Glory on Iwo Jima, sent Bruce Willis and the boys to blow up the asteroid thus avoiding Armageddon. Now everyone needs a safe space. LeBron is offended by Phil's words. Snowflakes are melting over the election...pundits and pollsters are pixelated and perplexed over their propensity to predict wrongly so much so that they prevaricate to protect their pious perch and lack of prognostication. Phew! The real problem is that what we are putting in our bodies is making us dumber, slower, weaker, more cowardly, thin skinned and likely to do ridiculous things like mannequin challenges and hiding behind the Internet firewall to attack people on social media with silly memes. I blame fruit smoothies, double mocha lattes with soy milk and pomegranate with acai juice...they are poisoning us and turning our brain to mush. But don't worry, I have the solution. WINE! The way for America to get back on its feet is to flush the cleanses, and pour the vino! It's survival of the fittest and we don't want to go the way of the Dodo bird and Atlantis. We want to rebound strong like the buffalo and wine is the magic potion, especially a nice Barolo or Napa Cab. I'll explain using the Buffalo Theory*...a herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest so when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd because the general speed and health is improved by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest cells. As we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of wine eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. This is why you always feel smarter, stronger, braver, and way more attractive after a few bottles of your favorite grape. So Crush Jeopardy, repel asteroids, protect democracy and get your game on from just one bottle of wine!

*Credit for this inspiration goes to Cliff Claven. You can find him sitting next to Norm at the bar...

Cheers!

The Twilight Zone

Well, well, well Antoinette,

Buck up America. We've survived far worse than an election. I know some people woke up having won, others woke up needing to whine, but one thing is sure....we all need a big glass of wine. Either you lost, or you think you won, but perhaps you lost.... a pyrrhic victory maybe. Well Chicken Little,  it may seem like the sky has fallen, but this is the U.S. of A and we've overcome far greater challenges than Liar, Liar, Pantsuit on fire and a lampoonish Billionaire with an orange hair-don't. We used to have political figures who fought duels, senators carrying knives and guns, and congressmen caning each other in the chambers. We've survived civil war, World Wars, a Cold War, the Great Depression and even deflategate. Now we just have politicians who lie, cheat, fleece and are rude...we don't need to duck and cover, we just need a safe space from what hurt our feelings and a magnum of our favorite wine to get us through. My advice to the newly elected...leave the guns and canes at home and bring a bottle of wine to share across the aisle. Bring amity, not enmity. Be humble in victory, gracious in defeat and remember there are no Republicans and Democrats in the foxhole, just Americans and hopefully a nice cabernet! Also, the AMA and CDC have said that though normally you should avoid alcohol when you have severe acid reflux, wine is the exception! In fact, a tawny port might be the solution, it's fortified and you're more likely to sleep for 4 years. Rinse your mouth, keep the contents of your stomach to yourself, soothe your headache and prepare yourself for the fifth dimension...a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity...the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition...This is the dimension of imagination, otherwise known as are you F'ing kidding me...you are about to enter the Twilight Zone. The good thing about the 5th dimension though is that it means it's 5:00, 2020 somewhere in the universe. ..time to stop whining and start WINE'ING with a capital "Zen"fandel. Drink some harmony, quell your stomach, and remember we followed the last worst president in history (Buchanan) with maybe the best...Honest Abe! Hang on baby Jesus, it's about to get bumpy.

You're Killing Me Smalls

Let's play two Antoinette,

Well America its November ....a month where pessimism and optimism live side by side. We still have baseball, but only one more day. Football finished the first half, but there's a half still to play. The election is almost over, but then we have a winner. We still have those occasional warm days we call "a native indigenous aboriginals minding their own business summer",* however the days are getting shorter, the nights are getting colder and despite the best efforts of Al, Leo and John Stark, Mother Nature is still undefeated and winter is coming. It's also a month bookended by the ghoulish tricks of Halloween and the blessings of Thanksgiving. After tonight's game 7 of the world series, one team will be giving thanks and the other will feel like someone stole all of their candy. The real problem is how do you decide on a wine to cover all the bases. Well first the trick is to forget about the psychology of half empty vs half full. Keep your glass filled to the brim with wine and your mood will always be good. Tonight's winner can drink the bubbly, but I find a complex and nuanced wine like Pinot Noir is a good choice for this month. It has enough to lift your spirits when you're down and is a fun wine to drink into the wee hours of the morn this weekend cuz you get an extra hour of sleep. It also pairs well with Thanksgiving, tryptophan, cornucopias, world series curses, Turkey Bowls and election results...sorry for being redundant! 

*that's a lot to put on the front of the jersey Cleveland. Good thing you went with the people of that Asian subcontinent instead who enjoy a glass of Pinot after a day of bowling googlys.......crickets!

You're killing me Smalls!