The Pursuit of Happiness

It's Monday, wine🍷 a little Antoinette.

Good morning my fellow Americans! Today of course we commemorate Memorial Day🇺🇸 ...a day to recognize those who risked and gave all in service to our country🥂. Of course it was originally on May 30, but like many other important commemorations has been moved to a Monday for convenience. Ironic that this convenience we enjoy came at the severe inconvenience suffered by others... something to think about🤔. Now don't get me wrong, nobody likes a 3 day weekend better than me...(well maybe sailors in the 7th fleet with a pass, and a port call in Honolulu)😉🍻🏄‍♂️👙... but do not forget the reason you're home today🛌, at the beach🏖, at a ballgame⚾️, playing golf🏌️‍♂️, or enjoying the oldest unisex bathroom in the world... the local swimming pool🤽‍♀️! And I'm a capitalist, if you want to take advantage of great sales, knock yourself out💸. [Segue: I'm also a Capitals Fan, and nothing says summer like a chance at the Stanley Cup🏆... one more reason to drink wine!🏒🍾] Enjoy your time with friends and family, but pay homage to the reason why. And of course the best drink to do that with is wine🍷. There are cemeteries⚰ around the world filled with the remains of soldiers who gave all to keep the world's supply of wine free from large, totalitarian, commie, fascist, Orwellian, big government, speech controlling, shrill screaming, fun robbing, VW driving, propaganda drivelling, statue fighting, history erasing, French collaborating, individual rights stealing, fireball drinking yahoos. It's our mandate to MAGA(always) and MTWSFWD (make the world safe for wine drinking) and is written down in our birthright as a country... the Declaration of Independence...it's self-evident...all men are created equal... endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights...life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness...(18th century way to say drinking wine). So get your day started off right to honor the men and women who gave you a Monday for wine not whine. Remember a meal without wine is called breakfast, so Americans invented brunch🥓. I recommend something bubbly 🍾for your orange juice, or straight up with your fried chicken🍗 later in the day. If you're brunching on the Lumberjack breakfast🥞, a Saracco Moscato will do the trick. A nice Sancere will go well with your Cheetos while your sitting poolside, and when it comes to the bbq 🍔🌭later go with a nice Barolo if the meal isn't spicy, or a malbec if you like it picante.  It's the start of summer, vacay season, outdoor fun, no school, bee stings, mosquitos, sunburn and white wine. Have all the fun you can before Labor Day weekend rolls around, just remember to give thanks to those who gave the last full measure of devotion for that bbq stain on your white t-shirt... sing it Tim 

Oh a sailor's sky made a perfect sunset
And that's a day I'll never forget

I had a barbecue stain on my white t-shirt
She was killing me in that mini-skirt
Skippin' rocks on the river by the railroad tracks
She had a sun tan line and red lipstick
I worked so hard for that first kiss
A heart don't forget something like that

God Save The Queen

Make National Wine Day redundant Antoinette,

I may be a little out of it...okay a lot out of it, but it appears the Royals are at it again. No I'm not talking about one of the Kardashians touting the newest thighmaster, or the former step parent deciding he's a he that feels like a she with or without his pole vault🙈. Nor am I talking about anybody from Kansas City.⚾️ I'm talking about those people who didn't make the move 242 years ago🇺🇸 and got stuck with Elton John, a non existent dental plan and a bunch of fading memories of the glory days of when the sun never set.  You know, the queen and her children's children👸. Now don't get me wrong, any 92 year old lady who has 4 drinks a day alternating between wine🍷 and martinis is ok in my book, but the verdict is still out on her potential successors.  And the grandchildren are shaking things up again. I'm not talking about Brexiting either... I'm referring to another royal who is Brentering and the sparks are flying💣! However, this time instead of a royal marrying a commoner... we have a very controversial mixed marriage😮... we have a royal marrying an American!  God Save The Queen! What makes it even more controversial is one of them(shhh🙊)... is a ginger😰...the other is just a pretty girl living out her Cinderella dream👰. It's crazy! I don't know what you've heard, but it's like Laurel marrying Yanni!🙉 Of course this is the 21st century, and we don't care about royals and commoners, nor gingers and Americans for that matter(smh). All that is important is to remember the success of any country, royal family or relationship is dependent on wine. Not once in the history of the world has any country fallen, royal family gone kaput, or relationship ended because they had plenty of Wine. 🥂 The path to success and longevity is through the vinified grape... just ask the queen... in England, not the pole vaulter. Raise a glass and toast the new couple...afterall he's somewhere down the line in the Royal succession...I think right after David Beckham and the fictional James Bond, but still ahead of Dr Who. Celebrate National Wine Day this week by drinking wine every day... that will lead you right into a royally Memorial weekend! You may not be one of the Royals, but Lorde[y], Lorde[y] have fun pretending...

But everybody's like Cristal, Maybach, diamonds on your timepiece
Jet planes, islands, tigers on a gold leash
We don't care, we aren't caught up in your love affair

And we'll never be royals
It don't run in our blood
That kind of lux just ain't for us
We crave a different kind of buzz
Let me be your ruler, you can call me Queen B
And baby I'll rule (I'll rule I'll rule I'll rule)
Let me live that fantasy

Mother's little helper

My daddy was a pistol and I'm a son of a gun Antoinette. 

Well moms...I hope you had a great day yesterday celebrating your 2 events. Mother's Day and National Fruit Cocktail Day, which I can only assume refers to wine🍷. You deserved it...or at least you used too! What? That's right... remember when the ideal mom was June Cleaver? ( you millenials will have to Google that) Always dressed nice, house spotless, dinner ready, kids well behaved and dad's drink, newspaper and pipe waiting for him by his favorite chair when he got home. You know... the good ol days, 😉. Yeah, #metoo. Well Houston, apparently we have a problem. After serious journalistic investigations, CNN online has Blitzered into a serious issue and Wolfed out that modern moms are often behaving badly. How you ask? Well in the old days, moms would cope with the little rugrats, annoying husbands, no pay for equal work, and tragic endings on the soaps by running for the shelter of a mother's little helper and taking that little yellow pill after the kids were in bed to escape the ennui and drudgery of domestic life. Well now apparently, soccer moms have been replaced by Wine Moms and popularized in such movies as "Bad Moms". It's as if they've all collectively shouted, "I'm tired and I'm not gonna take it anymore." The "little yellow pill" has been swapped for a glass of zinfandel reports CNN. So what's the problem? Wine is good, drugs are bad! Well apparently high risk drinking by mommies has risen 83%, and problem drinking has risen 58%. This is defined as drinking to the point that responses to kids are generally "I don't care, do whatever you want", and to the husband, "get your own beer"🍺😯. Now we all know this is no way to raise a family. Everybody knows dads are incapable of answering kids questions that don't have to do with sports, or dating... like, "can I go out with him....No".  That's why God invented the question, "go ask your mother".  If moms are gonna be sauced on wine before dad even gets home who's gonna make dinner? Put the kids to bed? Keep the noise level down so dad can watch the game?🙉  Hmm, CNN must be on to something... maybe they'll actually be relevant again sometime? 🤔 Well anyway, what to do, what to do?  We certainly can't have moms modeling bad behavior in front of children that somehow drinking wine is an acceptable way to deal with life's problems, that's dads job🙈. Moms should be modeling sexy lingerie to dads after drinking wine once the children are in bed🥂👡. I think the solution is obvious... everything in moderation, wine should not be used as a crutch, consumed heavily only when out of sight of children (which is why God invented grandparents and other babysitters), and at home it should only be touted as a way to enhance food. Maybe a little wine will get them to eat their Brussel sprouts... just saying. What? They aren't old enough?🙊 I don't know then, go ask your mother... and ask her to bring me another drink. And moms, if you want the Land of Sugar, put the kids to bed, Daddy will be waiting, 😘. What'd you say? There's gotta be something more..?

...get home 7:30, the house is dirty, but it can wait
Yeah, cause right now I need some downtime
To drink some red wine and celebrate
Armageddon could be knocking at my door
But I ain't gonna answer that's for sure
There's gotta be something more!

Beer Goggles are for Penguins

Wine adds sophistication to what would otherwise be a vulgar brawl, Antoinette.

 The time to remember hindsight is 20/20 is before you drink that bottle of tequila or case of beer.  Because the "sight of that hind" the morning after will leave you with a memory you can't filter🙈. Beer Goggles are just that... filters for the socially awkward, less beautiful and desperate souls out there where objects in front of, and behind the lens appear Photoshopped. This will of course lead to morning wake-ups where you could serve as the muse for Edvard Munch, The Scream, 😱... or worse, leave you with a certain burning feeling!😰 Don't make "OMD(oh mon dieu), what have I done" the first words out of your mouth after a night on the town. You can of course avoid this by Beer Googling.(This is when you protect yourself from bad choices by staying home surfing the internet instead of the bars, but word of warning, this can lead to other types of viruses🖱⌨😩) Instead, take advantage of the millions of dollars in well spent tax funded scientific studies, investigative journalism and Ivy League research grants designed to get to the bottom of the beer goggle conundrum. Research  scientists(at least that's what Frank and John said they were) proved through highly controlled experimentation in a laboratory environment in Pittsburgh, Pa... that people in local bars looked better after drinking copious amounts of beer and alcohol🍻🍸... go figure... I've been to Pittsburgh, and believe me it's gonna take a lot of Iron City Beer🍺 to make those people attractive...bunch of Penguin looking so and so's. (Take that Crosby, 🐧🏒) Expanding on that study, "experts" from Bristol University in England and noted research publication, the Daily Mail📰 used that time honored scientific method, "would you sleep with that person before drinking? after 1 beer? a 6 pack? a case and so on? Maybe that's what they're talking about on the commercials for new beds🛏...what's your sleep number?🙉 Hmm, maybe I should get a grant and research that.🤔   Harvard psychology researchers argue that understanding and mitigating this effect may be crucial in combating behaviour such as risky sexual activity🙊. Good point, so I have 2 pieces of advice... if you live in Pittsburgh or Bristol... move. 2nd, instead of spending so much money trying to make others more attractive, lower your sleep number to zero by making yourself attractive to everyone...drink wine. Time to trade in the beer goggles, for the wine Lasiks... see things more clearly and make good choices... don't drink  beer or liquor to remove inhibitions, alter your standards, or erase your memory. Instead drink wine to make yourself more attractive, elevate your sex appeal, and improve your health and prowess. With beer and liquor you may be thinking you're Brangelina, or Tom and Giselle, but you'll wake up as Roseanne and John Goodman, Ugg!😭 Drink wine and the Brady's and Bundchen's of the world will be seeking you out faster than an Eagle can fly! (Sorry Tom) Elevate your game by drinking wine🥂. Be suave and debonair! With a glass of wine in hand 🍷you'll always have that certain je nais se quoi that will make you the desirable one in any crowd of carbon based life forms...(sorry Penguin fans). Wine drinkers pair well with all good things...blondes, brunettes and redheads. Not to mention, your mom will be much happier with a delicious Rośe on Mother's Day instead of a case of Yuengling. Speaking of which, your Yuengling  deserves better than what a six packer will get you! Avoid the fate of Elvis and his "Burning Love"...drink wine, be cool!

Lord have mercy,
I'm burning a hole where I lay
'Cause your kisses lift me higher
Like the sweet song of a choir
You light my morning sky
With burning love
With burning love
Ah, ah, burning love
I'm just a hunk, a hunk of burning love