Irish Comics

Obituaries are a dying art Antoinette. 

Well trick and treaters it's Halloween week which means what better topic to discuss than death! Mayhem🌋🚔🌪 may ensue, so you better make sure your Allstate premium is paid up. Later this week the dead and the undead get another chance at life.🧟‍♂️🧟‍♀️Kids are legally allowed to rot their teeth. Adults can get away with wearing unusually risque costumes 🧜‍♂️🧜‍♀️as well as risque behavior without being a congresswoman from California.🙈 Normal people will just drink adult beverages🍷 and watch sports on TV 🏈while trying to quiet their dog 🐶from barking at the constant ringing of the doorbell, and those lacking common sense will continue to read death notices in rags formerly known as legitimate (ok semi legitimate) newspapers. That's right we're talking about the Irish comics!🍀The obit page... where nothing bothers you if you're dead, but for those still above ground you're gonna need a bigger bottle! 🍸Sláinte!🍻 Apparently, people propagandizing polarized political perspectives purportedly praise perverted person! Now of course that alliterative headline is not one you're likely to see, but... and I'm not making this up... the following WaPo headline happened..."...Baghdadi, austere religious scholar and head of Islamic state, dies at 48." Now you probably don't even know who that is, but if the headline had read, "World's most wanted terrorist, rapist, beheader, murdering S.O.B. blown to bits" you'd know who I was talking about. I guess The Washington Post is Where Austere Religious Scholars Go to Die. Who knew? 🤔 And it's not like they are alone... billionaire idiot, Michael "the bloom has faded" berg's newspaper headlined their obit, "Islamic state leader transformed himself from little known teacher... into self proclaimed ruler." As if the prob with him was he didn't go through the election process and presumably DNC scripted CNN debates. Huh? Now I know these are politicized times, and rags like WaPo and the Old Grey Lady, (shhhhh, not you HRC...I'll get to you later) only speak to those in their looney echo chamber, but it's incredulous to think they don't even want to be remotely relevant... and this boys and girls is the scariest idea you can go as on Halloween. What's black and white, and red allover...MSM with blood on their hands!📰 They say and print the most extreme things about elected people they don't like including the President🗣, but treat quite possibly the most evil man thankfully no longer living with kid gloves.🧤 What gives? As former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said,  "it's really not necessary to lick the balls of a terrorist to prove you're anti-Trump."🙊 It makes me wonder what other obits they wished they had written. How about these suggestions, "Mao, who saved 50 million Chinese from having to live through communism, dies at 82." Or, "Ghengis Khan, world traveler and sperm donor, dies in horsing accident." Or how about, "Austrian immigrant and ardent anti culture appropriationist, Hitler,  passes peacefully alongside wife and dog." And last one,  "Clintons mourn the deaths of Foster, Rich, Epstein and others who accidentally suicided themselves!" 🙈🙉🙊 Ok, maybe that was a little crass. In fact maybe, the MSM are just heeding the advice of their mother about not speaking ill of the dead.🙊 In that case...nah... ain't nobody got time for that. In fact if you want to really scare someone dress in a pantsuit like #imwithered and wear a placard saying, "make it look like a suicide."🙉 Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. 🧟‍♀️ Oh well, enough of the scary Halloween. Time for the fun loving, beer drinking Halloween. Afterall, it's a party so don't dress as the Party Pooper, be the life of the party! Yeah #metoo 

Now that's how you kiss October goodbye. That, and maybe doing some stuff like we did in 1979, like Smashing Pumpkins...

Shakedown 1979, cool kids never have the time

On a live wire right up off the street

You and I should meet

June bug skipping like a stone

With the headlights pointed at the dawn

We were sure we'd never see an end to it all

And I don't even care to shake these zipper blues

And we don't know just where our bones will rest

To dust I guess

Forgotten and absorbed into the earth below

...Justine never knew the rules

Hung down with the freaks and the ghouls

No apologies ever need be made

I know you better than you fake it, to see

Old School

Like Bluto said, my advice is to start drinking heavily Antoinette. 

Well boys and girls we are well into the first semester of school so I think it's time for a progress report. But don't worry, nothing bad is being sent home to your parents. Instead it's time to look at the progress of our nations universities and colleges. We will leave K-12 for later since presumably most of those students aren't old enough for adult beverages and this is going to make you want to drink. Now of course many college students aren't technically old enough either, but... who are we kidding? Beer me! 🍺 Btw, the word progress is a euphemism here, because what we really mean is regress, though that doesn't really work either. Since never in the history of education has our "campusses" been this retarded! Yeah I said it. It seems like many of our institutions of higher learning, are really mental institutions where everybody must be high, cuz there ain't no learning going on. We might have taken our time in years past. You know, trying to cram 4 years of college into 6, but we finished.🙊 Now, instead of being places where young people gather, are exposed to many varied opinions, integrate with people from all over the country and the world even, explore academic interests and challenge themselves to new athletic pursuits like keg stands etc...the reality is that on many campusses the opposite is happening. 

Segregation, suppression of ideas and language, intolerance and indoctrination of inane ideas counter to the pillars of Western Civilization that created the greatest country and most life affirming culture in the history of mankind is the new normal(uh oh, trigger word)🙊. Take the University of Nevada for instance nicknamed the Wolfpack presumably after Zach G and the Hangover boys...instead of encouraging the mingling of students, they now have dorms to reflect anyone's narrow identity. Black dorms, gay dorms, vegan dorms, XX chromosome only dorms (no word on alternative identifying science denying former pole vaulting Bruce Jenner types in this dorm) and they even have dorms for those that want to study and graduate and leave the protected womb of the safe space of college campusses! Your turn to chug!🍻 A Williams College professor was recently pilloried and declared "an enemy of the people" for his suggestion that the college sign on to the "Chicago principles," which is a statement calling for free speech to be central to college and university culture. The nerve! Apparently, Williams College snowflakes say that free speech is part of a right wing agenda and cover for "racism, xenophobia, sexism, anti-Semitism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism and classism." ❄Hmm! Kind of reminds you of a left wing agenda!🤔 Where's the 48 ounce beer bong?🍺 Only 70 of the 4000 colleges have been willing to sign the pledge. Wait there's more. At Dartmouth (begun as an Indian school) a sociology professor says all students should take her class on black history and white privilege👌. By doing so they would realize that "being a good person does not make them innocent but rather they, too, are implicated in a system of racial dominance." She adds, ""After spending their young lives in a condition of 'white blindness,' that is, the inability to see their own racial privilege, they begin to awaken to the notion that racism has systematically kept others down while benefiting them and other white people." In other words slavery is still their fault. No such concept as individual responsibility. Is that gonna be on the test?😟 Not only that, but the whole concept of meritocracy based on hard work and effort is just another white tool ⚒of discrimination and oppression! Huh? 🤔 Then where do equal rights come from? And what do you call it when you sit next to the Asian kid🤓 to improve your grades🤐. I'm gonna need some brain🧠 lube. Barkeep...🍸! Now if you really want to get down to the absurd, just take a look at Bikini Bottom!😛🙈 Not there...

eyes up here! Now I can't say that I blame you, because if you're like me when you think of Bikini Bottom, a smile comes to your face!👙 But in this reference we are talking about the place 🏝 where SpongeBob lives with his friends🐡🐠🦈. Since I never watched the show, because hey I'm an adult male who doesn't watch cartoons of weird characters on the ocean floor, only of sophisticated cartoons like Bugs Bunny... but anyway... I didn't realize the cartoon is set in the Bikini Atoll...site of nuclear testing🚀 and now storage area for atomic waste and unfortunately not in the cramped, though highly prized location of a Brazilian bikini Bottom🙈. Yeah #metoo! What's worse is that according to University of Washington prof, SpongeBob is a "violent, racist colonizer," and has written a paper to that effect, Unsettling SpongeBob and the Legacies of Violence on Bikini Bottom. Wow, there's an article that needed writing🙉. And so many thought that was just an innocent cartoon with nice life lessons for children and adult children! Who knew?👎 She points out the absence of discussion about violent American military actions💥, what happened to the 11 indigenous people who actually came from somewhere else, and that SpongeBob as an American character being allowed to live there shows his privilege!!!! I'm feeling tropical now, how about a beach drink? 🍹Thanks. Where was I, oh yeah... furthermore, “SpongeBob’s presence on Bikini Bottom continues the violent and racist expulsion of Indigenous peoples from their lands (and in this case their cosmos) that enables U.S. hegemonic powers to extend their military and colonial interests in the postwar era,” she wrote. Man!🤕 Even worse, the song belittles Bikini Bottom as a place of nonsense!🤡 Not to mention all the gender bias. In conclusion, the brilliant professor points out that “We should be uncomfortable with a hamburger-loving🍔 American community’s occupation of Bikini’s lagoon and the ways that it erodes every aspect of sovereignty.” So there! I see only one solution...time to do the right thing! It's time to go Bottom-less!👙🙈🙉🙊😛 Then it's time to get back to Old School ways and get some real learnin' up in here so we can get some legitimate representatives right #AOC?! Do you think she's worried that if we impose sanctions on Turkey we'll have to have ham on Thanksgiving?🤔 Food for thought. Oh well The Freshmen congressmen are like college freshmen... often clueless and too much time on the pipe, but not the Verve Pipe!

 When I was young I knew everything

And she a punk who rarely ever took advice

Now I'm guilt stricken,

Sobbing with my head on the floor

Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice, no

I can't be held responsible

'Cause she was touching her face

I won't be held responsible

She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember

What made us think that we were wise and

We'd never compromise

For the life of me I cannot believe

We'd ever die for these sins

We were merely freshmen

1492 and all that!

If life's treating you like a baby treats a diaper, it's time to pour some wine and celebrate Columbus Day, Antoinette. 

Indigenous people's day🛶 has replaced Columbus Day🗿 in the nation's capital named after... you guessed it... Christopher Columbus! So now in Washington D.I.P, as in sheep dip💩, or more colloquially known as the swamp🐍... special interests have decided to recognize any natives that may have resided in what literally once was a swamp. Obviously, there are very few natives in the D.I.P. area, in fact, I think the last time any Indians were in town they got shut out by the Nationals 7-0!⚾️ 

Now while it's unfortunate that the Braves are no longer around (natitude), it's more unfortunate that we take a wondrous event in world history🌎🚢🗽, and a courageous and intrepid explorer like Chris Columbus and denigrate him to mollify some social misfits, hate mongers and terrorists groups like the KKK, antifa, Zinn-maniacs, Blasio, etc. etc👎. Kind of ironic that Columbus Day was enacted by Prez Ben Harrison to celebrate the 400th anniversary and tie in with the Columbia Exposition, and also followed the largest mass lynching in American history... of 11 Italians!🙈 The modern day denigration resembles the same kind of hate early Catholic Italians suffered. Mind you the same people, who might get lost once in awhile (Marco.....Polo), but have united the world with food and wine🍝🍷. They've brought pizza🍕 to the masses so you wouldn't miss the game. They've brought wine🥂 to adults in order to make the pizza better and lessen the whine. And they given us beautiful women who ride vespas in short skirts so that we all can understand La Dolce Vita!🛵💋 Imagine if Columbus never came, and all these basement dwelling hate-mongers were still living in European basements and the like? Well you would certainly have unity in the old world, but they'd be speaking German🇩🇪 and spending marks, and if they weren't Aryan they'd be changing their surnames to survive. And in the New World they wouldn't know what to call themselves... Native ?🤔 What is admirable about Columbus is also what has MAG! He personified American virtues🇺🇸... strength, boldness and pushing the envelope. It's the spirit that pushed us West, to the moon, and into creating Brew Thru's! Like Prez 40 said, "Columbus is justly admired as a brilliant navigator, a fearless man of action, a visionary who opened the eyes of an older world to an entirely new one. Above all, he personifies a view of the world that many see as quintessentially American: not merely optimistic, but scornful of the very notion of despair."

Celebrating great men doesn't make you blind to their imperfections, but nor should it make you blind to their contributions. Don't let asshats rewrite our history so they can pretend a wokeness that gets nobody anywhere. Celebrate the good, learn from the mistakes and take advantage of your day off with a bottle of wine and be like John Winger, "gentlemen, it's party time Italian style." And remember what 1492 is really about:

In 14 hundred and 92, 

Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

He had three ships and left from Spain; 

looking for new places to share his name. 

Go west young man, it's the place you ought to be, 

So he loaded up Nina, Pinta and the Santa Mari[e]

He sailed west off the map, mate...Here there be monsters, 

Antifa, pc'ers and Hollywood mobsters

But his bravery was known, his courage resolute

He'd blaze new trails to dispense all his loot 

He had a hold full of goods to sell on his day

So why travel to India with America on the way.

Bringing beads, blankets and disease and new names for the indigenous

He returned with tomatoes, potatoes and syphillis

Chris became famous for all the deals he'd arrange, 

Discounted so much they became the Columbian Exchange. 

But the best deal of all, the one we owe plenty

Was the bringing of wine to each one out of many

E pluribus unum,  from out of many one

Works well with America, and a cab sauvignon 

He discovered a new world from which to experiment

Making people happy with just one ingredient. 

Republic and Democracy and individual rights 

Words worth toasting with the perfect sparkling white. 

America's the greatest country, we all know that's true, 

But we're still a work in progress with things left to do. 

CC found America, and now the world looks to us

Time to uncork the vino, share with all on this bus

There's been too much divisiveness and rancor out there

don't swap spit with a jackass, just share your carmeñere.

Celebrate Columbus for the things he made possible

And any problems we have, this is America, they're solvable. 

He left us the legacy of Latin America 

The samba, the mambo and the caliente Shakira.

North of the border, we have cowboys and Indians

Hip hop and rock, and a thing called millennials

All this is fine if you pair the right wine

Choose this correctly and you'll lessen the whine

Be as generous with your pour as you are with advice, 

Then social media warriors will have done something nice. 

Now you get the picture, and if you want to know what it was like on some Lonely Island just ask T who knew the Paine of I'm on a Boat...

I'm on a boat mf'er take a look at me
Straight flowing on a boat on the deep blue sea
Busting five knots, wind whipping out my coat
You can't stop me mf'er cause I'm on a boat

Take a picture, trick (trick)
I'm on a boat, beatch (beatch)
We drinking Santana champ,
Cause it's so crisp (crisp)
I got my swim trunks
And my flippie-floppies
I'm flipping burgers, you at Kinko's
Straight flipping copies

The Real World

Like Marx said, you may not be crazy about reality, but it's the only place to get a good meal... Groucho Marx that is Antoinette!

Ok America... which is it? Sticks and stones can break your bones🦴, but words will never harm you, or words matter📖?  Well of course like most things it's somewhere in the middle. Words do matter. They matter in eloquent elocutions of enduring entreaties entitling everyone eternal entitlements existent in every earthbound entity... the US Constitution with Bill of Rights📜. Notice that it says rights...not lefts, not wrongs🚫! Words matter in polite company... save the locker room talk for the locker room🏈, golf course⛳, losing team fandom😪, rap songs🎶 and basement dwelling trolls👹 who are afraid to fight with sticks and stones. And of course around mom👩, grandma🧓, all church ladies👵 and little children👼. You're too old to be taken behind the woodshed unless it's for a swig from Uncle Fred's jug🍺. But of course in this current state of affairs where many "dims" see bogeymen🧟‍♂️ behind every letter, every syllable and every hurtful word it's become increasingly hard to formulate a coherent sentence because normal speech is not allowed in these Politically correct times. Oops! See what I did there? I've already violated the nazi police state of restricted reference. Darn... did it again... I've offended a nazi! Sorry PC'ers, antifa, LGBTQXPALIDOCIOUS et al...my B! I know norm implies others are not normal...🤪hence my choice for the word, and politically correct implies people are being too sensitive😰 and diminishes their views which of course I am. I mean I could just say have a nice big cup of STFU☕ but I'm not in a locker room or basement at the present. Just so we are on the same page here let me do a quick list of words and phrases that would make word nazi's seek their own basement bunker. You might want to fill up on an adult beverage🍸 before you read this: psycho, schizo, nuts,  soup nazi or any other kind, blind spot, blind alley, lame, are you deaf, thug, illegal alien, legal alien, third world(hey that's still good enough for the Bronze!🥉), man up, ladies lingerie👙, handicap parking♿, freshmen🤓, hip hip hooray, cake walk, starving, basket case, long time no see, no can do, hysterical, grandfathered in, gendered pronouns, peanut gallery, spaz, hooligans, cannibals, mumbo jumbo, fuzzy wuzzy, moron, rule of thumb, eskimo, drink the the kool-aid, tipping point, off the reservation, spinster and now add America/American🇺🇸 to the list! Of course this begs the question AYFKM? 

Better pour me another Mick! Let's start with America... of course by calling US America we are somehow leaving out other people of North, South and Central America. 20 milion illegal and the like legal aliens would suggest we aren't leaving anyone out no matter if they are straight, normal, gay, crooked, retarded, psycho, schizo, spastic, thugs, hooligans, or even cannibals as far as I know... hey it's the United States of Americans. But I don't think the PC soup nazi's living in this American bisque have thought this through. First of all American is derived from an Italian import named Amerigo Vespucci, so does that mean the Eyeties are the native Americans? Where does that leave the polacks, micks, krauts, limeys, frogs, ski's, commies, etc...not to mention Navajo, Arapahoe, Washoe or any other Hoe 🙊for that matter? And if you can't say American, how's my colored brother from a different mother going to refer to themselves, African-United Stateser? Latin-Estados Unidoser? Asian-United Statessun? Besides MUSGA doesn't MAGA as pleasantly to the ear. Nobody is going up to a kid with special difficulties and calling them retarded, and if they did, normal people would beat their ass👊. But if a medically normal person is acting retarded... call them out on it. If your kids, or spouse aren't paying attention or listening to you and you shout "are you deaf," 🙉no biggie... the deaf person in the room can't hear you...just like your kids/spouse. Getting upset about that is like the ref throwing a flag that has nothing to do with the play and nobody got hurt...or the ump screwing up the call because he's blind 🙈as a bat! Sorry bats🦇! This is all bat sh#@ crazy! And Sorry not sorry dingbat! Apparently I have something against bats. Anyway, if someone is acting psycho☠, schizo🤪, or cannibalistic🍽 that's easy...see something, say something!🤔 Remember, making fun of someone no matter who they are, how they look or where they come from is the American dream🇺🇸! What's more democratic than that? The First Amendment is maybe the greatest freedom even when you say something stupid or have "Schiff for brains!" 🤣Btw, Schiff chairing the intelligence committee is about as retarded as when Qaddafi chaired the Human Rights Council for the UN...talk about a mo-ron and a psycho! What we don't need is more rules, more restrictions and more protections that just weaken the herd.🐂 That's just a road to extinction🚷. And does anyone else think it's ironic that Ivy league ivory tower types👨‍🎓 think it's ok to restrict asians🇨🇳 from their classrooms but are fine with open borders🏊‍♂️ just because if they made it merit based they'd have more Chins than a Chinese phonebook?🤔 Now who are those non-Asian students going to sit next to on exam day? Oh that's right...nobody is graded anymore... that would be oppressive and demeaning when they realize how stupid they are!🤪 A real American🗽 can handle statues🗿, place names🏫, paintings and vocabulary. What we don't want is an America where, "Every record has been falsified, every book rewritten, every painting repainted, every statue and building had been renamed... history has stopped. Nothing exists except an endless present in which the Party is always right." - George Orwell, 1984. Unfortunately, there are those who look at 1984 as an instruction manual instead of the dire warning it is. Oh well, I know this will trigger somebody and they might even be upset with my lack of verbal pc'ification but remember judging me for judging is judging and that's wrong... unless you have TDS then apparently you can say what you want. I say no more pc'ification! (kind of a homonym pun,😉 ) It's time to strengthen the herd...man up...say what you want to normal people, just be polite around women, children🤱 and places of worship💒. For the rest of you, did you hear the one about the Irish guy, a Dyke and a Chinaman at the Whole Foods vegan outlet... of course not! That ain't the real world. You can smoke cigars in the real world. Now I just need a Matchbox or 20, and a dose of the Real World...

I wonder what it's like to be the head honcho
I wonder what I'd do if they all did just what I said
I'd shout out an order, I think we're out of this man get me some
Boy don't make me wanna change my
tone, my tone

Straight up, what did you hope to learn about here
If I were someone else, would this all fall apart
Strange, where were you, when we started this gig
I wish the real world, would just stop hassling me