A Midsummer Night's Dream

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know Antoinette.

Well boys and girls the summer solstice has come and gone for all those not living down under🍤♨️. This also means the forced separation of children from their parents will no longer be tolerated...the children have been reunited, MAGA! Of course now parents have to figure out what to do with them. You might want to take a page from the teacher's handbook on how they get through 10 months with your kid...wine and movies🍷🎬 (sometimes known as the 4 word lesson plan, "somebody get the lights"). That screeching of the teacher's tires leaving the parking lot🏍 is not because they're rushing home to write lesson plans for the new year... no they are heading to a 2 month happy hour to wine🥂🍻🍺🍹🍸🍷🍾 and wash away last years whine from enabled kids and helicopter parents.  So mom and dad, stock the wine cellar and start checking the movie listings... I'm sure there is something worth watching... the latest comic book hero remake like Iron Man's Nemesis: Rust; Nightmare on Elm Street: A Deplorable Moved Next Door; More Faster and More Furiouser; Transformer: Caitlyn's Rise... etc. They might not be the classic movies of yesteryear with real movie stars and enduring lines, but Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.  It's time to round up the usual suspects and call the kids in from the yard... just whistle...You know how to whistle, don't you... You just put your lips together and blow. No time to waste, just Slap some bacon on a biscuit and let's go! We're burnin' daylight! And if one of your kids doesn't want to go and talks back🙊, just look at them and say, Travis, you talking to me? And then,You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?🙉. Just make him an offer he can't refuse🙈. I hear what you're saying, "Surely you can't be serious", but I am serious...and don't call me Shirley. Teachers will tell you, you have to be firm with them and it doesn't matter what the movie is about.  My mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get. Just tell them they might be surprised. And the good news is now theaters sell wine. So fill your hands you S.O.B! And if wine isn't enough go ahead and order a martini, shaken not stirred. Who knows...maybe you'll like hanging with your kids so much you'll decide to home school. Afterall Toto, there's no place like home. Just remember in order to home school you have to get the proper certification and badge. What? Badges? We ain't got no badges! We don't need no badges! I don't have to show you any stinking badges!  Oops, I think what we've got here is failure to communicate. Stay cool Luke. Hmm, maybe this is why so many parents lobby for year round schooling...it's all about the kids afterall even if they don't want to go back to being locked up and separated in the chicken coop known as school, just ask Alice, he knows the Coop. Er!
No more pencils
No more books
No more teacher's
Dirty looks
Well, we got no class
And we got no principals
We ain't got no intelligence
We can't even think of a word that rhymes
School's out for summer
School's out for ever

The Crying Game

Enjoy the privilege of a White... it's a great summertime wine Antoinette.

The crying game! No I'm not talking about blue states😉, or Hollyweirders forced to fulfill their promise to move to Canada, or even Penguin fans wondering where their sippy cup is😁. I'm talking about the sport of lilliputians. The sport without which we wouldn't have those loveable soccer moms with screeching voices🙉, the bell curve would just be a theory🙊, and countries without real sports would have to settle for watching curling reruns on t.v.🙈 What? It's the beautiful game adored by millions (see bell curve above)?  Well maybe it's the beautiful game because the athletes worry more about their hairdos (which are actually hair don'ts) than breaking into a sweat cuz a tie is good enough (hey sis, how about a kiss💋). And Neymar...here's  20 bucks$, get yourself a haircut 💇‍♂️and a last name. All kidding aside, well some kidding aside, ok barely any kidding aside, the World Cup is pretty cool and has some good things going for it...for instance it gives France a chance to forget about the ignominy of historic military defeats that happened in previous summers like losses at Waterloo, several German invasions, a loss in a "friendly" to Spain, Mexico, the Belgians, the English a few times, the Ottomans, the Haitians...well you get the picture.  At least they've gotten off to a good start with a win over POWERHOUSE Australia and with the aid of an own goal⚽️. Let's be honest what France is really good at, and probably the best use of a World Cup is wine🍷! I'm a firm believer in sports as a way to bring fans from around the world together who want to kill each other but by the end of the game are too drunk to fight because of all the wine...so they just sing or cry depending.  Give pinot a chance🥂. Remember, as long as the question is framed right, wine is always the answer. And soccer players take note, if we wanted to watch grown men cry when they aren't even touched, or carry on with histrionics that would make Lebron or a millennial who inadvertently saw a 250 year old statue of a Minuteman proud we would watch a campus sit in on cultural appropriation. "How misogynistic! Why isn't that statue of a Minutemaid instead?" 🤔 (That humor was fresh squeezed!). Truthfully, it's fun to watch the world come together through sports and wine. And I'm not bitter because the U.S. didn't make it...I actually didn't even know until I made fun of an Italian fan for sitting home crying in his ravioli. But now I embrace the games and the chance to sit with the Italians, the Dutch, the Irish and others who know how to drink and root for some underdog. HU! 🇮🇸Just remember World Cup players... be more like real drinkers, Stanley Cuppers🏒 who know how to WIN and WINE in #ALLCAPS and stop whining like little girls, boys, neuters, etc... and play hard like any Queen would do so you can sing We are the Champions and then drink wine from the Copa Mundial🏆and remember how you got there...

... it's been no bed of roses
No pleasure cruise
I consider it a challenge before the whole human race
And I ain't gonna lose

We are the champions, my friends
And we'll keep on fighting 'til the end
We are the champions
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions of the world

The Art of the Deal

Remember, you don't need a special occasion to enjoy wine, you just need a glass Antoinette.

Well America, it's another Monday! And that can only mean one thing... it's time to WINE down! No reason to wait for Friday and the weekend to do that because it's June, which means we play by summer rules...you know...when we are all kind of on vacation all the time...and things should be more relaxed. The world should be sunnier (unless you live in NoVa⛈). It's a good time to rejoice🍾. High schoolers have graduated and will be moving out of the basement and going off to college soon🎓. College seniors have graduated and will be moving back to their parents basement even though there are more jobs than employees out there. And now that summer is here global warming will pick up and the ice caps will be melting faster meaning more water for the fish to swim in🐳🐋🐬🐟🐠🐡!  Proving that even if it's cloudy where you live... there's always a silver lining as long as there is wine🍷. And speaking of ice and CAPS🏒, I recommend drinking your summer wine from a Stanley Cup🏆...it tastes better. What? You don't have one, or know where it is? Oh you must be in Vegas or the Pitts...burgh!🤣 The month of June is also famous for being a month when great speeches were made emboldening our resolve like Churchill's "we shall never surrender"; destabilising communism like Reagan's "Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall!"; and Trump's exclamation to "MAGA" and "covfefe!" 🤔Inspiring words by all. Unfortunately for some, no amount of sunshine, summer vacation or inspiring eloquence is enough to bring happiness to their lives or cure their TDS, even when it's in their best interest. Btw, did you ever notice that the Antifa thugs look like Nazi stormtroopers who dressed for their "activity" in their Darth Vader Halloween costumes with Harry potter armor? That's scary😱. Well, readers here know the only possible solution for what ails you is wine...aka... water held together by sunlight!🥂🌞 Wine that is and maybe shed some of those black clothes, come out from the basement and get some sun on those buns! So speaking of TDS and confronting dictators and terrorists, maybe we should just root for America to win even if it will be credited to someone we didn't vote for...I don't know how this summit will turn out, but I'm thinking it will be a lot cheaper and safer to buy off a crazy dictator like Lil Kim Chee with some wine and a tee time at Doral, than giving a few billion to a rogue terrorist like the Iranian Ayatollah of I'll-nuke-all-yah. So don't be a Bama... it's Flag Day this week...wrap yourself in the red, white and blue and root for world peace, wine for everyone and good trade agreements. Hopefully Canada won't stay mad for long... they are threatening to cut off our supply of maple syrup and are even holding Johnny Manziel hostage...hmm, maybe we can trade them all those Hollyweirders who promised to leave a couple years ago.🤔 Remember, America is like a big high school, made up of all kinds of people and groups from all kinds of backgrounds... but on Friday nights we all rooted for our team, then us seniors would head to the beach with our best girl and celebrate our victories with wine! (Sorry kiddos, drinking age was 18 then😁) Time to Be True to Your School ... let's celebrate this victory at the Beach Boys🏖🏄‍♂️ and remember...

When some loud braggart tries to put me down
And says his school is great
I tell him right away
Now what's the matter buddy
Ain't you heard of my school
It's number one in the state

So be true to your school now
Just like you would to your girl or guy
Be true to your school now
And let your colors fly
Be true to your school

Great Expectations

Ask no questions, and you'll be told no lies Antoinette.

There is no question that every thinking person wants to be on the Right side of history and all those "eternal" questions. The problem of course is twofold. One: I see a lot of people out there who have confused their thinking cap👨‍🎓 with their dunce cap ❔and are Left...holding their head in befuddlement😯. Second: while many questions have right and wrong answers, some are not either/or, they are merely preferential or actually only have one answer. Let's look at some classics. Iphone or Android? Well obviously this is a preferential question right? I mean in a world of so many people some choose to be sheep🐑! I mean who else is going to willingly stand in line, and be forced to shop in the weirdest stores for hours for a fragile, limited phone system that price gouges you? Sheep who like identical sheep🐏. The rest of the world will play in the Galaxy of their choosing🌠. See...something for everyone. Baaaaa! 😁 Or how about Jedi vs Trekkies? Now that's a hard one🤔...on the one hand, you have Hans and Captain Kirk, and on the other hand you have Princess Leia and Spock... hmm? I don't know the answer to this one but it does beg more questions, like can space be a final frontier if it's infinite?  And, isn't there anything else on tv📺? Hopefully the force is with you...now beam me out of here Darth! Other great questions include: is Pluto a planet or a cartoon dog🐶?  Is the earth flat or round? Metric or Imperial📐?  Who let the dogs out🌎? What is a Samantha B🐽? And what wine is best🍷? Well the answers are Both, Round, Imperial (2 kinds of countries in the world, those that use metric, and those that have landed on the moon🌛🇺🇸)*, Baha Men, a "C" word... you know,😉 Canadian🇨🇦, and the Wine that is in your glass🥂!!!! That's right... the only real question is, what wine will I drink today? Consider it the daily question du jour! It's the kind of question, that if it were on every test, the world would be full of summa cum laudes, and no one would be Left...senseless and on the wrong side of history. So what to take from this? Well most importantly, take a clean glass and fill it up with whatever wine floats your boat🛥. Then remember, if you want to get the answer right, ask the right question. And when it comes to wine, I always choose (D) All of the above! Make everything Right in your life...drink wine🍾 and spell it the right way...not with H.👍😉  That way you will always get the truth...in vino veritas. Now can you name a 2 word rock band without any vowels and a question of their own? Lynyrd Skynyrd

Back at the hotel
Lord we got such a mess
It seems that one of the crew
Had a go with one of the guests, oh yes
Well, the police said we can't drink in the bar, what a shame
Won't you come upstairs girl
And have a drink of champagne🍾

What's your name, little girl?
What's your name?
Shootin' you straight, little girl?
For there ain't no shame

*thanks for coming along for the ride Liberia and Burma.