Numbers Don't Lie

Strictly by the numbers Antoinette,

Well America, it's Boxing Day, which means your true love has 12 days to make up for that ridiculous sweater you got yesterday. Need an Epiphany? (Google that)  I have 12 for you that are cheaper than 12 drummers drumming, 11 pipers piping, etc, etc. Combined cost of those gifts is about $36,000, or $3000/day. For half that amount spent on WINE, we can erase the $19 trillion national debt, give 30% to the merchants and stock our wine cellar/liver for the next 4 years. Fuuuggghetttaboutit! I did the math..."carry the 1, ok I got it"...if everyone spends $1500/day for the 12 days from Boxer Day to the Epiphany over the next 4 years, you'll save money, the debt will be gone, merchants will make 30%, we will be a nation of deliciously inebriated Winos, and your true love won't have to pay the cover charge to see 9 ladies dancing! What are you going to do with 10 Leaping Lords anyway? And not even Tom Brady has 5 golden rings, UGG! Make America Great, Solvent and Vinified is my slogan. Trade in those 8 milking maids for cases of Barolo! And 6 geese laying what? How about goose pâtè instead? And what's with the 4 birds, and 3 French Hens and 2 turtle doves and a partridge? What a cacophony. Sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock movie. Hello? Cabernet, Champagne, Petit Verdot! We don't need 7 swans, just a swan song for the debt. Don't bother fact checking, I already did it. I have the numbers that will make even Bernie Sanders Economics add up.* America will be handing out free doctorates more readily than participation trophies. Reagans' economics only trickled down. My numbers will pour down like sweat off a Sumo Wrestler in the Sahara! Or better yet, champagne on New Year's Eve! Make America solvent, more freely educated, and Vinified! Winner, Winner chicken dinner!...that must be the 13th day!

Happy New Year

*not fake news as verified by Facebook

Naughty or Nice?

Remember Santa Claus is watching Antoinette,

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house 
Not a drop of wine present, no way to get soused; 
The stockings were empty, the Christmas tree bare, 
In need of St. Nicholas to slake my despair; 
The children were sleeping, a free night ahead; 
No visions of sugar-plums, just more wine instead; 
With momma in her onesie, and room enough for Pap,
We'd settled our brains, wink ;), no need for a nap! 
Then out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. 
And what to my wondering eyes did appear, 
But a miniature sleigh and eight cases of cheer, 
With a little old driver so lively and quick, 
I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick. 
My night had been rescued, there was wine on the way,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name: 
"Here's Cab Franc! And Malbec! And Pinot are you listening! 
More Cab Sauv! And Champagne! Now time to get Blitzen!"
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall! 
Ain't got no time for that, just leave it in the hall!
So up to the doorstep, the reindeer they drew 
With the sleigh full of wine, and munchies for two;
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his boot, 
And his clothes were all tarnished with wine stains and soot; 
Eight cases of wine he had flung on his back, 
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack. 
His eyes, how they twinkled! his dimples, how merry! 
No doubt he'd been sampling, the wine he been ferrying!  
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread; 
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Uncorking the bottles, icing down the Gewürz!
And laying his finger aside of his nose, 
Wink wink and a nod, out the front door he goes; 
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, 
And away they all flew like a Max Scherzer missile.
And I heard him exclaim, as he flew out of sight
"Christmas wouldn't be Christmas, without onesies and wine flights!"

Merry Christmas 

A Talladega Christmas

Christmas is coming Antoinette,

Dear Lord baby Jesus, we are halfway through advent and it's time to get serious about what gifts you need for this upcoming birthday party. So whether or not you prefer to think of Jesus "...as 8 pounds 6 ounces, newborn infant Jesus, don't even know a word yet" like Ricky Bobby, it's probably best you think of him like Cal Naughton does, who likes to picture "Jesus in a tuxedo tshirt, 'cause it says, like, 'I wanna be formal, but I'm here to party too.' I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party!" Thinking like this gives you much better options in gifts. Babies are cute and all, but adults can drink wine, and we know the grown up Jesus knew the importance of wine and how to keep a party going when he transformed water into a glorious Petit Sirah (durif in Israel) when the wine ran out at the wedding at Cana for his first miracle! In addition, wine wraps easily. Just stick in a stocking if you are cheap and only bringing one bottle, or be a big hit and bring a case. Even guys can wrap a symmetrical rectangle. What you don't want to be is the three wise men. As a guy who waits until Christmas Eve to shop, I can identify with last minute gift ideas, but be wiser than the Magi, don't stop off at Yankee Candle like Balthazar and Gaspar for candles and incense (frankincense and myrrh), you're not shopping for GiGi. You can even do better than Uncle Melchior and the gift card (gold) he picks up at the supermarket on the way. Celebrate the birth of baby Jesus in style and be the hit of the party, bring wine...and plenty of it! It's way better than socks and will never be regifted! The girlfriend can keep her hair, the boyfriend can keep granddad's watch and O'Henry can write about something else. If you want to walk on water, drink wine. Only two shopping weeks left!

Amen!

Infamy

This was my "Room with a View" in high school of Pearl Harbor and Kolekole Pass. Now 75 years after the "Day that will live in Infamy" I think is a good occasion to raise a glass of your favorite wine and pay tribute to all those who ensured us all this! Salut!

The Weather Channel

Bundle up Antoinette,

So is the weather getting warmer? Are the ice caps melting? Is it the non Prius drivers fault? While I am a huge supporter of all the wildlife dependent on cold weather like the polar bear, penguins and ski bunnies, I do think we should consider this possibility thoroughly before handing Al Gore another pot full of green energy money that will disappear into ozone free air faster than you can say An Inconvenient Truth! (I know, I know he invented the Internet...give him a break). But seriously, if the earth is warming (2 feet of snow in Hawaii to the contrary this weekend) and no matter if it's natural or man made, wouldn't more and longer warm weather equal more vines and more wine? And wouldn't less winter mean less snow days which just means more learning for them kids? Am I missing something here? Everyone's a winner. So green people take note. I'll explain it clearly and simply in red, white and sparkling with a touch of alliteration and a modicum of homonym on the ear. Before you whine about the weather and wind, wind down a little with wine. Whiners are annoying, whereas wining is winning with fellow winers who see the big picture about weather, whether you believe winter is coming or not. Don't be wistful about cold weather, rather get out some cards for a game of Whist and play the cards you're dealt! It's all in the wrist in Whist and wine. It's ok if you disagree with me, I can't force you to be right, but I can implore you to Drink Wine, Don't Whine! The truth can be conveniently found in all bottles of wine. Whiners take note, cuz if you never know truth then you never know love...where's the love, y'all. 

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