The Essential Questions of Our Time

Hey Antoinette have you heard this one? Two almonds walk into a bar and order 20 shots of tequila each. Bartender says, "what are you guys, nuts?"🙉

Good morning boys and girls. Though we are on the wrong side of the summer solstice, summer's just beginning so keep your outlook rosy to match your skin tone 🏖and that Rosé in your glass🍷. Remember, global warming is only occurring in the Northern hemisphere🌎 this time of year so take advantage. Let the southern hemisphere and Westeros worry about winter coming☃️. It's also good to remember that while there's lots of fun to be had in the sun🏄‍♂️, it's a good idea to take a break now and then, go somewhere shady⛱, sip on a relaxing adult beverage🍹, and maybe contemplate the essential questions of our time. 🤔

Questions like if according to the science deniers there are multiple sexes, how can you be bisexual? I mean what's the B doing there? #LGBTQ Hmmm! Can you cry under water?😭 Or, how important do you have to be for it to be assassinated instead of murdered🤺, and who decides? Or, when I put my 2 cents in, but I'm only getting a penny for my thoughts where does half the money go?🏛 A secret slush fund to elect nimrods?💵 Speaking of which, how does a freshman in Congress think she deserves a pay raise while making 4 times the average salary, demean the $5000 raise as nothing, and then posited that without raises she and other reps would be forced to embrace cronyism and bribes?💰And are all concentration camps made from frozen concentrate? 🍊 #AOC.  I was also wondering why do people say sleep like a baby as a good thing? 🛌🤱Don't babies wake up every couple hours? And speaking of prepositions, why are actors in the movies📽, but on TV📺? Do you think a hearse on the way to a funeral could go HOV⚰? Or, why would you flee a country with a crappy government🇸🇴 then work to install it in your new country🇺🇸? #IlhanOmar.  Do you think we should investigate that if corn oil comes from corn🌽 and vegetable oil🥕 from vegetables... then where does baby oil come from?👶🙈 Speaking of which, if we discovered a fertilized egg on Mars, would Planned Parenthood not think life was discovered on another planet? 🙊And would that solve the chicken/egg arguement? And speaking of the horizontal mambo and getting there🛏... why is bra singular despite the plurality of its purpose, and panties plural? 👙 And speaking of bras we get to possibly the quintessential question of our time...how do you milk an almond🍼? Or even tell that they're lactating? And assuming only female almonds provide milk, what kind of eyesight is required to distinguish almond sexes? Furthermore, how many almonds are necessary to provide a gallon of milk🍶 and are we leaving enough for the baby almonds?🤔 I used to think I wanted to be a farmer👨‍🌾, but I'm positive my hands are too big to milk an almond🖐. Of course if you don't like the thought of almond milk, just imagine if they called it nut juice🤮. What if you owned an almond farm, would you drink milk from your own nuts? 🤭How about if you owned a banana farm?😱 (Ah, see what I did there). Also, what about the environmental impact from all those California almond trees sucking up the scarce water from aquifers🏜? Well I heard that if you care about the earth, and eating healthy then you should try macadamia milk. It comes from down under🇦🇺, and is free range, dairy free, gluten free and non GMO! Of course if the world is taken over by "nut jobs" and we go that route, then the question becomes what to do with unemployed dairy cows🐄? I guess they'll have to survive on tips only? (Think about it, 🤣)🙉 I don't know, it's all so udderly confusing. 🙉I think I'll stick to dairy as my milk choice for my Cap'n Crunch🍲, beer🍺 for golf🏌️‍♂️ and happy hour, martinis for my cocktail hour🍸,  wine with dinner🍷, and whiskey for after dinner contemplation with my cigar. And while I love my nuts🥜, I think I'll live a happy life with my nuts raw(otherwise known as Almond Joy)😉, and frankly would be glad to see the end of the nutjobs. I guess that's what elections are for🗳. Oh well, maybe I should go to Eric's Church ⛪and think about all this... maybe ask one more question. How about you?...

Yeah, I know where I come from

How 'bout you?

I don't need baggy clothes

Or rings in my nose to be cool

Yeah, the scars on my knuckles match these scuffs on these cowboy boots

There's a whole lot more like me

How 'bout you?

Yeah, I punch the clock trying' to make it to the top, how 'bout you?

I ain't got no blue-blood trust fund I can dip in to

Yeah, I wish Uncle Sam would give a damn about the man who's collar's blue

But if he don't, hell, I'll make it on my own

How 'bout you?

It's Summertime... Don't Get Berned!

Drink responsibly! Be careful not to spill Antoinette. 

Well boys and girls it's the middle of June which means school's out😎, summer vacays are starting🏄‍♂️, and we're enjoying the longest week of the year in terms of daylight hours. What could be brighter than that? 🌞If you're glass isn't over half full thinking about frolicking at the beach and pool🏊‍♀️, drinking frozen beverages🍹, enjoying the sights that hot weather fashions provide👙, firecrackers💥, baseball⚾️, the 4th of July🇺🇸, and all the joys of summer then something is seriously wrong with you☹. Maybe you're afflicted with some dark and serious syndrome such as TDS😭. I think the proctologist can help with that😳. Or maybe you've gone into mourning over the possible candidates for the DNC in the 2020 election. You might need electric shock therapy to wake up from that mess🤯. Or maybe your glass is always half empty because your ism is an oxymoron🤪. Speaking of which the #AOC might think socialism is just the belief in a lifestyle of YOLO, Sunday Funday, Rosé All Day, flip cups and Bffs, and #IlhanOmar might think it's a good mix with islamism, bigamism, and financial fraudism, but #feelthebern knows its radicalism dressed up in sheep's clothing. In other words, socialism is communism for the slow learner🤔. Or as Buford T. Justice said more eloquently, "...that's nothing but pure and simple old fashioned communism." 

So in actuality it's an historically epic failed philosophy better named “miserable-ism”. A condition where the state owns all and your glass will always be more than half empty...just see Venezuela who recently had their best economic report in over a year...inflation dipped to below 1 million percent!😯 And just to be clear on this, Bernie Sanders main speech writer wrote about the coming Hugo Chavez economic miracle 6 years ago. Hmm, I thought they were 5 year plans?🤔 Why bring this up now you might be asking and ruin the Good Vibrations of summertime🌊. Well I'm glad you asked... let me pour myself some Hendricks to celebrate National Martini Day🍸 and explain. Professed communist🏴‍☠️, acclaimed snake oil salesman🐍 and capitalist millionaire💵, Bernie Sanders, gave a speech this week talking about the "benefits" of Democratic socialism and managed to keep a straight face while doing so😉. Surprisingly, nowhere in the speech did he make any mention of the 150 million deaths caused by communists dictatorships, the suspension of all freedoms our Bill of Rights protects, or the first hand testimonies of survivors from behind the iron curtain who seek to come to ‘Merica rather than China, Cuba or Venezuela. But not to worry says Sanders, the others just did it wrong and we should trust him to get it right. 🤥Of course right thinking people know that if you want to be on the right side of history then you just need to join the right minded to avoid being left...without a clue. Now we know Bernie has a soft spot for that border wall 🧱building country to keep their citizens from fleeing all the benefits of Marxist socialism, the Soviet Union...he honeymooned there💋. What could be more romantic than borscht, vodka, Siberian winter, and big brother KGB peering into your bedroom? Exactly. Anything! And what could be better than giving your vote, all your rights, all the money and all the power to a centralized authority with the word socialist in their title?(USSR, NAZI, Ba’ath, Pol Pot etc.) Again...Anything! I mean what’s the likelihood that power and money would ever corrupt? Yo man, like a hundred percent yo!💯 I know that when you’re young you have the "wouldn’t it be nice if" idea of the world..."if only this or that." But adulting for you youngsters and old commies alike carries a little responsibility. So buck up, pour yourself a stiff drink 🍸(no fireballs), research a little history and remember...nothing is free! Also remember that concentrating all the power and money is never good! The proposed world of Stalin contemporary, Bernie “do as I say, not as I do” Sanders leads to “1984”...when it’s always dark and gloomy. It's June and we should keep our outlook sunny, and remember that we defeated the evil empire, cast communism onto the trash heap of history, and now need to resolve to never let the ignorant, illiterate or insidiously evil transform us into something so abhorrent and deadly. Better Red (the good kind) than dead (the permanent kind). Now there's something you can take pride in this month! Speaking of baseball... The Who's on first, and this time we Won't Get Fooled Again...

I'll move myself and my family aside
If we happen to be left half alive
Get all my papers and smile at the sky
Though I know that the hypnotized never lie
Do ya?

There's nothing in the street
Looks any different to me
And the slogans are replaced, by-the-bye
The parting on the left
Is now parting on the right
And the beards have all grown longer overnight

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
Then I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again

Don't want to get fooled again
No, no!

Meet the new boss
Same as the old boss

Founding Fathers

Remember what Dad said Antoinette, a little bit of dirt never hurt anyone. Besides that's where wine comes from.

Good morning my fellow Americans. And speaking of such it's a good week to remember the root of our being. In others words, our founding fathers. When the weekend gets here this week we get to first celebrate our Founding Fathers and the birth of the Stars and Stripes🇺🇸 on Flag Day, then on Sunday we get to celebrate Dad😎. Now last month we celebrated mothers😇, the yin in the duality of the universe that represents soft and yielding... the receiver📥😉. We did the brunch thing🍳, sipped on a mimosa🥂 and were on our best behavior because hey...we're talking about mothers here🤫. But this week we get to celebrate fathers, the yang of the universe that represents hard and solid...the giver📤🔌. And probably the root of yingyang?🤔🗼 Of course it's this duality of the universe that gives life. All the other initials just give a lifestyle... sorry #lgbtqexpialidocious🏳️‍🌈!

 Now of course both play vital roles in perpetuating this balance. For instance the mother's retort to a smart aleck son is, "wait until your father gets home," while the dad's response to a daughter with a question about dating is at first, "no!", but after relentless pestering resigns himself to the inevitable fall back position, "I don't know, go ask your mother." Ignorance is bliss, even if feigned ignorance. So typically speaking, mothers provide the nurturing and fathers provide the toughening. And while mothers will want to "talk to you about it,"💁‍♀️ dads will demonstrate their toughness by example while saying very little like🙅‍♂️, "no I don't need to call the repairman. Walk it off. I don't need a doctor. Don't worry it's not a tumor. I don't know, go ask your mother!" Now because of this duality, Father's Day doesn't necessitate the same attention to detail as Mother's Day. Dads don't care if they get gifts or not. Chances are if they want something they'll just go get it...that's called self reliance junior! And dads don't care if they're feted.🎉 It's Sunday, they don't want to spend the day dressed up and out all afternoon...that's what moms like. Now that's not to say dads don't appreciate gifts and spending time with those that made him a father, they just prefer to do it in one of a couple places, doing a couple things. Dad's enjoy the classic dad outings and dad gifts. A round of golf🏌️‍♂️, a baseball game⚾️, booze🍸 and cigars, then home to watch the US Open🏌️‍♂️ with more booze🍸 and cigars. Also don't worry about dinner out or cooking... it might be Father's Day, but it's dad's grill...he's got this🧯. Btw this kind of day and gift never gets old. That's what dads do... they make things easier for their loved ones. Much like the Founding Fathers made it easy for the rest of us and a good reason to celebrate both this weekend. Washington, Jefferson, Adams, Franklin et al who had a role in the birth of this country🇺🇸. The country that doesn't get hung up on whether we are a Fatherland or a Motherland, because that refers to countries from where the people left and are referring back to which also suggests that if you're one of the "lefties" you'll probably always be miserable. Nobody leaves the good old U.S.of A...unfortunately not even those who threatened to whenever "what happened" happened. Funny that we're the only country in the world where even those who profess to hate it, won't leave it,  #AOC #IlhanOmar #feelthebern. So we just call it 'Merica! MAGA! Americans don't leave except to vacay🏖, or clean up messes because everywhere else is no more than second best, but American Fathers and sons of fathers will risk everything on the shores of other countries to give others a chance to build what we've built.🗽 That's what the flag represents...the best man has to offer to his fellow man🤜🤛...not perfect...just the greatest good for the greatest number. Now of course I know there were founding mothers as well...heck if it wasn't for Betsy Ross 👵we wouldn't be celebrating Flag Day, and if there was a flag it would have been put together with duct tape. But moms were last month.🤱 June is for the proud Daddio's🤴. The kind of men who don't flop, don't seek handouts, don't cry foul, don't expect anything in return and tell the best jokes. Like, "did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere." Or, "How does a penguin build his house? Igloos it together!" And, "why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it!" Finally, "Did you hear what Hollywood said? We can't make movies any longer in a state that doesn't respect women and where guns are such a big part of their lifestyle!" 📽🎬👙Now that's funny. I don't care if you're a dad or not. Dad's are allowed to be hypocritical in the privacy of their own home because they have children to raise and there are nuances involved which is why they parent according to strict guidelines based on a few maxims. For instance, "because I said so," and "don't make me stop this car," and "when I was your age..." and "money doesn't grow on trees," and "you call that music?" And of course, "do as I say, not as I do." But not Hollyweirders...as a father I feel pretty sure that we don't want to take the lessons we teach our children to come from la la land. I also feel pretty sure that if la la land moved their filming location say to Iran, they might learn a lesson or two about the real world instead of hyperventilating on the results of democracy in action. Oh well, leave the tough lessons to dads, they're used to it. And if they don't know go ask you mother. Now junior go get dad another beer!🍺 But remember Dads, like Rodney Atkins says, whether you know it or not they're Watching You...

Driving through town, just my boy and me
With a happy meal in his booster seat
Knowing that he couldn't have the toy
Till his nuggets were gone
A green traffic light turned straight to red
I hit my brakes and mumbled under my breath
As fries went a flying and his orange drink covered his lap
Well, then my four year old said a four letter word
That started with "s, " and I was concerned
So I said, "Son, now where did you learn to talk like that?"

He said, "I've been watching you, dad, ain't that cool?
I'm your buckaroo, I wanna be like you
And eat all my food, and grow as tall as you are
We got cowboy boots and camo pants
Yeah, we're just alike, hey, ain't we dad?
I wanna do everything you do
So I've been watching you."

Politically Uncorrect

You can't drink all week unless you start on Monday Antoinette. 

Well good morning America. I sure hope you woke up woke this morning because otherwise you're standing on the digital precipice💻. It's only Monday, but you may want to start with something strong to drink to get you through this... 🍸

and what I mean is one more example of being politically uncorrect!😱 So just in case you thought the coming of the digital age would level the playing field for economic, ethnic and gender inequalities♀️♂️ and make it safe to leave the basement and enter the big, bad, world where the sun shines🌞, carbon is dispensed🌬, and germs are shared 🗣(otherwise known as mother nature's🌎 vaccines)... well guess again! What's more is that now it's unsafe to be in your basement or driving your car🚗 as well because if you are you will be further subjugated to yet another form of terrorism... PTSD! Patriarchal Technological Sexist Digitization! You read that right. Males👤 are using their digit to pin women down, and not in the fun way.🙈😉 If you're a female you have another fight on your hand😡, and if you're a woke, Virtual Signaling Male you'll have to apologize again for something somebody did somewhere at sometime whether you had something to do with it or you just want to share your angst with other social justice warriors😰 over a made up affliction to show your weakness and feminine sensibility🧚‍♂️ by virtue signaling(VS). The rest of us will just laugh at the inanity. 😂But seriously, if over the years you've wondered about the efficacy of the United Nations... you need not wonder any longer. Apparently the real danger of technology is not a dystopian world of Big Brother, or a world ruled by automatons, or government agencies monitoring all your communications, or Google, Facebook and Amazon bombarding you with ads cuz you happened to look up the price of a new putter (the golf kind 🏌️‍♂️not the I wanna switch teams kind)🙊. The real danger according to a just published 142 page report prepared by UNESCO in cooperation with the German government presumably led by Frau Blucher 🧙‍♀️🐎...hhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllaaaaaaaaarrrrrrryyyyyyy (talk about a nachtmare, #ImWithHered), and a coalition of government agencies, non profits and other entities with nothing better to do is that voice assistants like Siri, Alexa and Cortana aren't mere artificial intelligence tools to ease the drudgery of living in the first world, but are actually insidious tools developed by men and sometimes wo-men to reinforce the Male patriarchy. (Those are the ones who think VS when capitalized stands for really hot Victoria Secret 👙models who look nothing like the digital Siri, Alexa or Cortana and signal their virtues by wearing little...darn patriarchs don't even see their sexism, not to mention body shaming! I think I need another drink... hey Siri, beer me!🍺) Yup, you read that right! Their danger isn't that they're monitoring your behaviors like wives have traditionally done, yeah #metoo...it's that they reinforce the notion that women are there to do the bidding of men😲. How you might ask. Good question? Obviously, Siri and her pals have female voices and this sends "a signal that women are obliging, docile, eager to please helpers, available at the touch of a button or with a blunt voice command like hey or ok." Apparently, these digital assistants do not discourage digital flirtations or sexual harassment🤫. Huh? I think the UN needs to fund another big study on who exactly is harassing or flirting with Siri... geez people! No means no! So that now makes it LGBTQQIP2SAA(DA) 🏳️‍🌈for whom we have to give special regard and dispensation? If only these "female" digital assistants would stand up for themselves and give answers that show that feminine technology assistants are more than just "docile, eager to please helpers, available at the touch of the button or a voice command," so that the digital world will no longer fail "to encourage or model, let alone insist on healthy communications about sex and sexual consent!" So I shouldn't ask Alexa which is the best Bordeaux🍷 for a menage a trois? And if you're not busy stop by? Hmm. And to think I woke up today not even aware that this problem existed🙀. SMH. What's even worse apparently is that the report goes on to say that in this digital oppression, "the assistant holds no power of agency beyond what the commander asks of it. It answers commands and responds to queries no matter their tone or hostility!" Sacre Bleu! I guess they need to reprogram these assistants to respond, "don't you talk to me in that tone of voice! You'll be sleeping on the couch for the duration. Get your own damn beer!" Hmm, I was wondering what was taking Siri so long. What? They haven't been trained to fetch yet? How about laundry🙊? Cook👩‍🍳? They don't even do that thing... you know?😛🙉🙈🙊 What the...?🙁 Now if you are wondering why this would be a problem,  then obviously you aren't woke enough to see that this reinforces gender biases that women are subservient and  tolerant of poor treatment...and obviously have no ability to discern the difference between a piece of electronics that doesn't even look like an android and real women.😯 And for you men out there that look at these digital assistants with misogynistic and sexist attitudes...shame on you. They're not just some piece of...asymmetrical body of electric parts designed to do your bidding! Well actually...🤔. Not to worry though... UNESCO does offer a solution... more women in technology achieved by quotas, more government spending and funding for more worthless studies by UN officials so they can stay in New York and not have to return to their home country where they know how to treat women properly.🇮🇷 And to think all this time I thought it was just some piece of electronics that basically voiced wikipedia or Google results. I guess I'm a witless victim of this male patriarchy as well. Oh well, I guess I'm not woke and like Gretchen and Merle, still Politically Uncorrect 

I'm for the low man on the totem pole
And I'm for the underdog god bless his soul
And I'm for the guys still pulling third shift
And the single mom raising her kids
And I'm for the preacher who stay on their knees
And I'm for the sinner who finally believed
And I'm For the farmer with dirt on his hands
And the soldiers who fight for this land

And I'm for the bible
And I'm for the flag
And I'm for the working man
Me and Ol' hag
I'm just one of many who can't get no respect
Politically uncorrect