Sexual Objectification

In case you forget, 77 glasses of wine minus your age plus 40 gives you the year of your birth Antoinette.

I don't know about you but I'm tired of one of the great injustices in the world... the fact that other countries, especially the French, get to sexually objectify while we Americans are banned from using words more familiar to us... this is confusing and limiting and is a form of word prejudice and cultural subjugation.  In fact I think it's a sinister Euro plot to retake America one word at a time. I think I'll pour myself a Beaujolais while I consider this. As everybody knows, today we mark the 89th anniversary of the establishment of the Grand Tetons⛰...which are actually made up of a grand Teton, a medium sized Teton and a petit Teton (known locally as the DD, C, and A😉) which the French call a ménage à trois... quaint!   Call it a threesome and you'll have the PC crowd all over you like white on rice (which is not to say another hue couldn't potentially be on rice if it wanted). Now to be sure, the Grand Tetons are a magnificent sight even if you prefer your Tetons to come in pairs😉. The Tetons are perfectly formed and firm with deep cleavages. Even Cal#30, a guy not known for speaking out🙊, couldn't help ogling👓 the Grand Tetons...but what kind of example does this set for Americans? Is it somehow more magnificent to give them French names? I mean what's wrong with the Big Melons, or the Large Knockers, the Sweater Girls, or even the Bare Bazoombas. Let me try some of that Bordeaux. Or how about this, what If you're engaging in some harmless fun like pinching a girl on her Jack's last name 🙈... you'll get a smack, but if you pat a mademoiselle on her derrière you'll probably get an ooh la la and a date for Le cinq à sept🍾🙈🌋.  In Italy it's a National sport and has even been upheld by the supreme court because it's not a butt it's "un bel culo."  I think I'll try that Barolo now. And don't think this is a one way street....you ladies have a stake in this fight. Speaking of wood, weren't we?, Washington's Monument...  which of course means great in importance, extent and size🙉, comes from the French word monumental. Now sometimes a monument is just a monument, but if Freud or Inga who both wrote in German had their way it would probably be called the Washington Schwanzstucker, Oof! Let's go with the Riesling now. Yeah ladies I know what your thinking...#metoo. Why isn't it something English and poetic like the Washington Longfellow, Johnson, or Richard(you don't want to use the diminutive here when you're talking about this subject, after all this is the grand GW not the petit Napoleon... take that France! OMD (oh mon Dieu). Anyway, I could go on and on, but the message is simple...we need to take back America and MAGA like our forefathers who weren't afraid of words and named places we can understand like Intercourse Pa, Beaver City Nebraska, Wankers Corner Oregon, Sweet Lips Tennessee, and Climax North Carolina... time to get back to American roots🇺🇸... pour me a Horton Norton while I think about where I've been and all that Cash...

"Listen! I've traveled every road in this here land!"

I've been everywhere, man
I've been everywhere, man
Crossed the deserts bare, man
I've breatherd the mountain air, man
Travel, I've had my share, man
I've been everywhere

Time to be Presidential

Don't spill wine on your new President's Day mattress Antoinette.

There are many serious threats to our society. Issues to be dealt with and divides to be conquered.  Everything from killer detergents, murderous statues, deadly words and a severe lack of safe spaces to house the afflicted. President's Day is a good day to commemorate our ability to overcome these great obstacles by celebrating two great presidents who overcame the greatest hurdles with aplomb and their finger extended while sipping on a nice Pinot Noir... as well as a good day to get a new mattress.🛏 For advice on the latter check with JFK or WJC.🙊  It's also no coincidence that it comes one day after National Drink Wine Day.🥂 Oh wait, now I know why it's such a big mattress day, ooh la la.🌋🙈 Remember our presidents are citizens first who after a life of acclaim and experience take office...there are no dynasties, just occasional attempts known as the ABC presidencies... the Adams family, the Bush family, and most recently the... oh wait, What Happened? Actually our presidents are just reflections of the varied citizens making up this great country. What we seem to forgot is what makes America great is the individual... liberty can't survive in the masses, group think, and a big government of rules and regs and statist power...much like wine. We can't be made to follow the party line, or cow to PC terrorism, or drink the kool-aid propaganda served up by media provocateurs. We're adults...we drink wine not kool-aid... whichever one(s) we like. What's more is we have a plethora of varietals, styles, terroirs, winemakers and shelves from which to choose and hold countless individual wines for the deplorable all the way down to the white tower.(huh? 😉) What could be more American than that? G.W. and A.L. are just two self reliant Americans honed by experience and dedicated to protecting the individual and their rights to drink the wine of their choice. Their trust and faith in the individual is what helped make us so Great, and since we're speaking of science, weren't we?...those who can't keep up and are likely going to get caught by the lion anyway should be allowed to do so...it just thins the herd making the rest stronger. So those of you who enjoy Tide Pods...just keep eating and btw, there's some pink cotton candy in the attic.🙉 Just saying...#keeptheherdstrong #dontbeasciencedenier and if you need help finding your way just ask Jimi, Bob or Paul...or look for the Watchtower. 

There must be some way out of here
Said the joker to the thief
There's too much confusion here
I can't get no relief
Businessmen they drink my wine
Plowmen dig my earth
None of them know along the line
What any of this is worth
Yeah...
All I got is a red guitar
Three chords
And the truth
All I got is a red guitar
The rest is up to you

Daily Planner

Make sure you write "drink wine" on your to do list Antoinette, then you'll know you've accomplished something.

Well ladies and gentlemen we have a lot to do this week. It's going to be a Huuuuuuuuge week for wine drinking. (Sorry about that ladies and gentlemen crack...didn't mean to pretend there is only an x and y chromosome and leave out the LGBTQRSVP chromosomes... don't want to be a science denier). Let's check the schedule.

Manic Monday: No taking it slow just because it's the start of the week. Did Abe Lincoln warm up to the week? Did my grandma? No! Like both Abe and my grandma used to say, "Do sharks complain about Monday? No they're up early biting stuff, chasing s#%t, being scary- reminding everyone they're an F'ing shark!" Time to attack Monday with teeth bared and pinkie finger extended while you sip on your wine to celebrate Abe and my grandmother's birthday. It's also National Clean Out Your Computer Day... recently renamed What Happened Day! You might want to tidy up your computer files before drinking wine... otherwise no telling where you might end up!🥂. W.O.D. Mouvedre.
Fat Tuesday (renamed Mardi Gras because fat shaming sounds better in French): Time to sow your wild oats and reap the product of the vine. Tomorrow you'll have to give up your oats, just make sure to protect your wine. Start Mardi Gras off with a bang🌋🍾🙈🎉, then pour yourself some wine while doing some self examination of the wrongs you need to right and the bad habits you need to kick. I suggest giving up Fireballs, hysterical screeds, Twitter rants, hyper sensitivity to statues and words, and socialism.  I personally am giving up tofu and Star Wars movies. I also resolve to do better in the future and be healthier by drinking more wine! W.O.D. Petit Verdot (little offsets the fat) 
Hump Day: (Hay miercoles... good timing for VD though problematic! In a twist of fate, VD happens to fall on the first day of Lent, a day meant for mankind to wean itself from sin and selfishness through self denial! I suggest getting around this by going Dutch! However, if you interpret this to mean going to Amsterdam I have a couple travel tips... green lights still mean go, but Red Lights (there's a district there, 🙊) mean you're going to need a safe word... maybe that's what covfefe stands for!🤔Remember, when giving up worldly pleasures for Lent...be prudent...only give up things that are bad for you, which leaves wine and 😘 safe. W.O.D. Champagne of course!
Thirsty Thursday: Well you know why your drinking today... it's National Singles Awareness Day!  Otherwise known as the Lonely Hearts Wine Drinking Club. Start pouring the vino if you didn't get any VD love yesterday, or if you're newly single because you suggested going Dutch on VD, or if you survived VD in tact but you just want to share in somebody else's wine...I think that covers everyone. W.O.D. Tempranillo to soothe the ouch! 
TGIF: Time to start crowing and ring in NYAS! (New Year's Asian Style) The year of the Rooster has come and gone and the Dog days of 2018 are upon on us. Of course that means it's gonna be a good year because everyone loves dogs. You don't get labeled man's best friend for nothing. Just like wine it doesn't matter if you're purebred (single varietal) or a mutt (blend) as long as you're there providing companionship and comfort.  And since it's Friday and we have the weekend let's do 2 wines to honor purebred and mutt. W's.O.D. Barolo and a Super Tuscan. Make the Year of the Dog a great one. And maybe learn something from our furry friends and wine... more dogs and more wine = more amity. I think it's time for a vacay and go somewhere to figure out how to make this year better...maybe somewhere along the Florida/Georgia Line

May we all do a little bit better than the first time
Learn a little something from the worst times
Get a little stronger from the hurt times
May we all get to have a chance to ride the fast one
Walk away wiser when we crashed one
Keep hoping that the best one is the last one
Yeah you learn to fly and if you can't then you just free-fall

May we all...

The Theory of Relativity

When talking about wine, it's all relative Antoinette.

Well it was a big weekend for Pennsylvania and science. You may have heard that the only team in Philly to have never won a modern title has finally done so and if that isn’t cause for cracking open the bubbly 🍾and the best vintage wines🍷 I don’t know what is. However, what Pennsylvania is better known for is scientists  and there is no denying that the most famous of these are Phil 🐹and Ben 👓as well as being noted oenophiles. On Friday of course, Phil made the bold prediction that there will be six more weeks of winter for most of the country, while New England’s winter may go on until the next season of Game of Thrones. (don’t worry N.E. I know a guy who can get you some warm shoes at a discount, Ugg!) ☃️❄Actually, science was a big part of the game. Traditionally, before climate changed, it could get very cold in Minnesota in the middle of winter, but the game time temperature at kickoff yesterday was 70° making it settled science that global warming is real. 🌡(What? They played indoors? It was -26° outside? Shh…don’t you know that global warming can mean record cold as well?)🤔 I know what you’re saying. That guy must be a science denier! But that’s not true. I grew up wanting to be a Wildlife Biologist. In fact, I was so dedicated to the pursuit of my ambitions, that 4 years in a row I spent my college spring breaks studying the subject on the beaches of Florida👙🏖🍻! Then I came back to school and got one of my degrees in A.G.’s (not a real scientist) science of choice…Political Science…at no inconvenience either and that’s the truth. Just remember if there are politicians making money on it💸, green money or the other, then it’s not settled science it’s Political Science which makes it a liberal art…and we know how liberal artists are.👨‍🎨 If you’re going to be liberal, be liberal with your pours. Wine is meant to be shared and science is meant to be questioned not settled. Just ask A.E. (real scientist) the smartest guy ever knew 2 things. One was that science is a work in progress…never settled. Even his studies on the nature of relatives was only a theory.😉 (I guess his family wasn’t that close) Like he said, “we still do not know one thousandth of one percent of what nature has revealed to us.” A.E. also knew that life was a combination of mind, body and spirit and they all must be fed for good health. This of course brings me to Pennsylvania’s other great scientist…everyone’s BF! Ben knew how to feed those needs…wine! “Wine was proof that God loved us and wanted us to be happy…and that wine makes daily living easier, less hurried, with fewer tensions and more tolerance.” Be more tolerant... be like the city of brotherly love. Where Santa feels safe! 😦 Ben lived well into his 80s and was lucid to the end probably owing to the fact that wine is scientifically "proven" to make you healthier, live longer, look younger, act cooler, and now according to Scientific Reports prevents dementia. Keep your wits about you…drink wine…free your mind and avoid DogMa…she’s a be'atch! Like Tyrion always says…you’ll know things if you drink wine! Speaking of which, I don’t know who won the rap battle between P. Dinklage and M. Freeman but it wasn’t J. Timberlake. Those first two were in sync though.🎵 Fyi Eagle fans, wine pairs well with Doritos, cheesesteaks and miracles! Hopefully you Philly fans will leave the Guns at home and just bring Roses to the Parade this week…out of brotherly love and all now that you can see what the view is like at the top...
Rags to riches or so they say
Ya gotta keep pushin' for the fortune and fame
You know it's all a gamble when it's just a game
Ya treat it like a capital crime
Everybody's doin' the time

Take me down to the paradise city
Where the grass is green and the girls are pretty