Competitive Spirit

Have you ever wondered how Siamese twins self isolate Antoinette? Me either. 

Well boys and girls times are getting pretty tame around here. What with all the couch sitting, pie hole stuffing, and binge watching shows you didn't even know existed a few weeks ago the herd has grown weaker. Which, btw, is exactly what we don't need at the present time. We need to strengthen the herd, inoculate the populace,  expose ourselves to the harsh realities that have tempered our iron will and MAG! What we need to do is restore our competitive spirit. Why had we never heard of all those inane shows on TV, Amazon, Netflix, Skinemax, etc (well maybe you heard of that last ones🙈)... it's because we are Americans...we were watching, playing or dreaming about sports🛌🐟😴! In fact not just sports made for TV, but any competitive situation. It's competition that makes you tough, builds your ego, strengthens your resolve and tests your abilities. Like Bluto said,"when the going gets tough.............................. the tough get going." Afterall, it wasn't over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor." Now hear me out... I'm on a roll. As any good American (and you know who that leaves out) we like to compete over literally everything. Unfortunately, our competitive drive has devolved to singular competitions on our phone with crosswords, soduku, wordscapes, e.t.c. Now I know there are some of you out there who consider trolling on social media and pretending to know caca💩 everyone knows you're too stupid to know counts as competition as usual, but refer to the above parenthetical non-Americans🤫. Besides, they're used to self isolating in the basement. In fact they are so good at it their social life isn't dependent on anyone ever being there. They like to take matters into their own hands so to speak. What's more is if they ever did venture outside, the competitive law of the jungle would just mean they would get eaten first by the lions🦁. Then probably regurgitated🤮, but hey... hyenas gotta eat too. Hairy palms aside the rest of us good Americans need to get back in the saddle and ride to where we're most comfortable... competitions with real stakes🏇. Remember, we are so good at this we have learned to bring competition down to single words. Shotgun! Dibs! First! Ante! And my personal favorite... drink!🍺 

And lots of two word challenges as well... prove it, make me, I bet, wanna see, and of course the famous two word end of discussion when you're tired and just ready to throw down...F-you🖕! Now my solution for this is obvious and will give you enough social distancing space to satisfy the most shrill of M/GSDSJW's (masked/gloved social distancing social justice warriors)... first if you live in Virginia play golf🏌️‍♂️ like usual because hey we aren't stupid like Terps🐢 nor teetotalers like the Pennsylvanian I Didn't Know the Whole State was Amish sect👴👵. Second if you're in Virginia... play golf, and bet on your round with your fellow normal Americans🇺🇸. And third, if you're in Virginia play golf, bet, and chug a beer🍻 every time someone makes birdie if you're good... cheers, par if you're ok🍻... cheers, and every hole if you stink... drink up, cheers🍻... because you might as well enjoy your round. Remember boys and girls... there are three things you don't have to be good at to enjoy... golf🏌️‍♂️, fishing🎣, and the horizontal mambo👄😉. For that matter any angled mambo is included! Now for those of you who don't have access to a golf course or no clubs... then I suggest you take the one competition that travels better than any other...betting. We're Americans we bet on everything...we bet on the Gatorade at the superbowl, the length of the National Anthem, and if the AOC could spell cat if you spot her the C and the A.🤔 And since we want to be socially aware I suggest you do three things to ensure your home based betting is fun and safe... stock up on alcohol🍾🍷🍸🍹🍺🍻🥂, keep your gathering to 10 bettors, and center your fun around a beer pong table... that's 8 feet M/GSDSJW's. What better way to get your competitive spirit back, while strengthening the herd, and self vaccinating than competitive drinking games? Who knows... even if you're not that good you might get lucky depending on who else is there... just remember no means no, yeah #metoo. So whether you prefer beer pong, corners, flip cup, or maybe old fashioned standbys like quarters, card games or just watch a Biden telecast and drink every time he says something incoherent...in which case collect everyone's keys... nobody will be driving home tonight. In other words...stay competitive. We all need to keep our skills sharply honed for when the Wuhan Wham Bam is over... because when this is over the bar scene will be like a Tijuana Saturday night and you'll be competing with the Baha Men and answering the timeless question of Who Let The Dogs Out

The party was nice the party was pumping
Ah yepee ah yo
And everybody having a ball
Yepee ah yo
And tell the fellas stop the name callin'
Yepee ah yo
Then them girls respond to the call
I hear a woman shout outâ?¦

Who let the dogs out
Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof
Who let the dogs out
Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof
Who let the dogs out
Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof
Who let the dogs out

Easter Services

Remember, with all Lenten obligations over, official drinking time is on airports and vacation schedule Antoinette...🛫🍸🏖🍹.

Well boys and girls we've come to the most important day on the Christian religious calendar and this year you'll have to spend it at home. Now I know many of us are not regular church attendees, but often Easter Sunday is the exception. We would get our best duds on, maybe a new spring hat, head to church and celebrate the greatest act from the greatest man...the resurrection. Then we go home and devour that movable feast and celebrate with the second greatest miracle...wine🍾. And brother this year it sure comes in handy. Not to mention you idiots who gave up drinking alcohol🍸 for Lent and managed to stick with your sacrifice through the Wuhan wham bam and the whine emanating from within your socially distanced abode... this is going to taste good, cheers🥂! Well we can spend our days blaming the Godless ChiComs🇨🇳 for the situation we're in now, but hey we're a Christian nation which means we take something bad and turn it into a positive. For instance it's a good refresher that, "caca happens!"💩 We all get pretty comfortable in our patterns and a shock like this is a good reminder to not take things for granted. It's a good time to reacquaint yourself with your family and significant other to find out if you can actually stand each other🙈🙉🙊. It's also a good time to find out how resourceful you are in maintaining an adequate TP🧻 supply. What's more, since there's no new sports on TV, it's a good time to invent new competitive games around the house...I suggest drinking games🍺! And since it's spring, it's a good time to go outside and reintroduce yourself to Mother Nature🏝. However, be careful if you're an allergy sufferer... one wrong sneeze might get you killed🤧! Just saying. It's also a good time to learn to cook especially for you millennials... get creative. Try something harder than mac-n- cheese. And of course it's a good time to stock your liquor cabinet🍸, wine rack🍷 and beer fridge🍺. Hey nobody's driving🚘 so drink up. Remember, at the end of the day, no matter how much the politicians and government promise you, you only have yourself and those close to you to rely on. It's not a time to sell your soul to the devil of big government so don't go down that rabbit hole. Instead it's time for your rugged individualism to emerge💪. Learn to count on yourself, not take things for granted, and remember... rabbits don't lay eggs🐇🥚. Those little brown things in their trail aren't chocolates!🐇💩 Fortify yourself with your adult beverage vaccine🍾 of choice today... mine will be a 2010 Duca di Salaparuta

... enjoy your feast hopefully with your family and thank the Lord for his first miracle... water into wine. "Dear Lord baby Jesus, we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest..." Hopefully it's more than Domino's, KFC and the always delicious Taco Bell, but if not... enjoy anyway. And all things considered, it's a good time to count your blessings even though like Billy Currington said... God is Great, Beer is Good, and People are Crazy

This old man and me, were at the bar and we
Were having us some beers and swaping 'I don't cares'
Talking politics, blond and red-head chicks
Old dogs and new tricks and habits we ain't kicked

We talked about God's grace and all the hell we raised
Then I heard the ol' man say
"God is great, beer is good and people are crazy"

Emergency Services

Remember, as Hannibal Lecter says, "when the food runs out we'll still have each other," and hopefully a nice chianti Antoinette.

Well boys and girls you don't need me to tell you things are getting dire. In fact things have gotten so bad, soon you'll be thinking you're living in France🇫🇷. OMD! Qu'est-ce que tu dis? Apparently the shortage/hoarding of TP🧻 has led to a run on the bidet market! You know, la douche for your dark side of the moon so it will appear as bright as Uranus🌝. But that's just the beginning mon frere! With a virtual lockdown on movement other than bowel🚽, our daily life has been disrupted to the point that only essential industries are operating. Of course as your personal link to alcohol, my services are deemed essential... cheers🥂. But what about the emergency services? And I'm not talking about 5-0🚔, the Doc👨‍⚕️, or food🥩. What about those broken New Year's resolutions of losing the tire around the waist. If all you can do is sit around the house, morph into a couch potato, cram your pie hole with cheetos and PBRs🍺, they're gonna need a crane🏗 to get you out. And what will happen to those Starbuck's dependent frappe mocha macchiato milkshake types who can't get through a day without spending $20 on pretend coffee☕. They're the alcohol equivalent of, "I want to drink but I don't like the taste of alcohol... can you make me something so I don't taste it🍹?" 7/11 is going to be a shock to their system. Then what about all those millennials used to getting their hair coiffed weekly at their androgynous salon💇‍♂️💇‍♀️ for no apparent reason. Wait, will the military start looking like the French soldier... the shaggy G.I.? Imagine if this goes on for weeks... and nature takes its course... people won't just be wearing facemasks😷, they'll be wearing ski masks. The line at the "coloring salon" will be miles long when this is all over. Otherwise, you'll be hearing lines like, "Hey I thought you were a redhead?" Or, "man this Corona virus really aged you." We can't have that people. Nobody wants to live in a world that real.🙈🙉🙊 Which is another reason my services have been deemed essential🍸. Now hear me out. Just as in the scientific formula that proves there is enough alcohol to improve everyone's appearance with beer goggles🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺 by the time closing time rolls around at the bar to the point that photoshop will call asking how you did it🤔, there is also enough booze to make everyone attractive who has been shut off from their usual... let's call it "maintenance" routine. Just consider the tried and true before and after timeline. Before...

Willllbuurrrr! Any resemblance to #AOC is purely coincidental. Then 24 later...

 Hey baby... do you graze here often? 

"Come a little closer and I'll share my Corona vaccine with you."😜 Afterall, nobody says it's more blissful to know everything down to its roots... nope bliss comes from ignorance, and the best way to stay ignorant is keep drinking. I'll let you know when it's closing time. So forget about the fat farm, the hair salon, or the gym. Us regular guys got this... that's why God invented baseball caps, pushups (well at least the 12oz curl) and alcohol. Now everyone put on the beer goggles🤓 for the duration and depending on your team you can be like Leighton Meester and Drink til He's Cute, or Neal McCoy and just be like Billy, cuz Billy's got his Beer Goggles On...

He's on the dance floor yelling "Freebird"
Singing off pitch but he knows every word
Grabs him another girl he hold on tight
He don't see ugly
Through blood shot eyes
He'll fall apart when he gets home
But right now his worries are gone
'Cause life looks good, good, good
So good, good, good,
Life looks good, good, good
Billy's got his beer goggles on.