Fake news you can belive in!

Rise and shine Antoinette,

Have you ever wondered what Canadians do during the long winter months stuck inside because of freezing globally warming winters? No, me either. However, this winter researchers at the University of Alberta have discovered the magical elixir that will allow you to cancel your gym membership, stop spending $100's on coordinated gym outfits, and exposing yourself to unwanted judgements from others. You already know what I'm talking about...that's right...Resveratrol. One glass a day is the equivalent of an hour long gym session and all you're doing is sitting in the Barcalounger in your skivvies. I hear you skeptics out there, and I know you'll just chalk this up to fake news especially since the source is the Puffington Host. The last time they got something right was...well nevermind...but even a blind squirrel gets a nut every once in awhile. And speaking of nuts, today also marks the anniversary of the discovery of another magical elixir in pill form that often goes hand in hand, or something better, with the workout in a glass. A cure-all in a glass that improves physical performance, heart function and muscle strength in the same way as they’re improved after a gym session? Where can you get this you ask? Well you're gonna like this...just try any bottle of resveratrol laden red wine from your favorite fine wine shop or watering hole. That's right...drive right past the gym, order something delicious, and take advantage of all that red wine offers. In addition to creating a buns of steel infomercial body, wine is long known to prevent dementia and cancer, as well as having known anti-aging qualities and a wooing ability that would make Casanova jealous. Canadian scientist, Charles Dyck (pronunciation is on you) is gonna make a lot of people happy. Especially when coupled with the little blue pill approved on this day in 1998, Viagra! Wow, the benefits of wine discovered by Canadians, and the ability to take advantage by the performance minded Americans...where do the French fit in? Well perhaps they provided the inspiration since this week also celebrates the anniversary of the Eiffel Tower, 😆! Magic elixirs, cure-alls in a glass and pill... and healthier, stronger, smarter, more sophisticated, long lasting, upright citizens. Sounds like a universal good. Also, since research is still ongoing, you might want to hedge your bets and pour yourself an extra large glass...size matters! Take your vitamins, follow Aerosmith's lead and put on some music because she'll just love your big ten inch Record of her favorite blues. Oh Mon Dieu!

The Vernal Equinox Paradox

Hope springs eternal Antoinette,

Good morning America! The vernal equinox has passed, the snow has melted, and the type A's are tending to their tedious spring tasks of tidying up after twelve weeks of time off for winter. Timeout! There are more important things to worry about. No I'm not talking about your March Madness bracket, or the start of baseball season. Those important issues will be dealt with next week. I mean the Madness of our political theater! Too much acrimony on all sides and a complete lack of cooperation, respect, and amity for our fellow Americans and the Constitution. I can fix that. Is it too early to put my hat in the ring for public office? I have the answers. I have the platform. Trust me, 😉! Don't worry about me making wrong decisions. As I said before I drink wine, I know things. I have all the qualifications. I drink well with others, have ideas universally popular to all parties, and always share my wine. Consequently, I think I will run for the office of Benevolent Dictator. (I don't like dealing with bureaucracies). My first executive action will deal with something fresh on everyone's mind...daylight savings time. Henceforth, the clock will spring forward at 4:00pm Friday afternoon to coincide with the start of half off wine happy hour and get you out of work sooner.  And in the autumn the clock will fall back at 6:00am Monday morning giving everyone an extra hour of sleep after all those mimosas on Sunday, Funday. Next, I will decree an executive order whereby all political meetings at every level of government must include copious amounts of wine...nothing soothes the rancor of dusty old politicians like a bottle of Rutherford Cabernet. Let's get Washington drinking and working again. And finally, I don't want to impugn anyone's religion, but maybe that Middle East thing could be solved by a few cases of the grape. Look how pacified the French are! Just saying...give Pinot a chance! Well I guess that just about covers everything, right? 😆🍷 This week in history ought remind us what good leadership and wine can do. E Pluribus Unnum. The party of the union saving Great Emancipator Lincoln was established in1854; FDR passed the beer and WINE Act in 1933 to help alleviate the "Grape Depression"; and in 1775 Patrick Henry, tired of the British repressive tax on alcohol, uttered those famous words, "give me liberty and my tax free wine, or give me death". Fight for your freedoms and vote for me. Be like Mike, drink wine and MARSSAPA*! If you don't like what I'm saying you can cash me outside. Time to get out on the road and campaign...I am Wonder Mike and I'd like to say hello, now everybody go Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn...my mellow it's on you America so what you gonna do?

*Make America Really Something Special and Productive Again.  

March is Maddening!

If you don't wear green you'll get pinched Antoinette, 

Now that we are firmly ensconced into the month of March, let the madness begin! Time to fill out your brackets, make your best predictions, and trust the March winds will blow fortune your way! Just remember rule number 1 of betting...win or lose you booze! So whether you're a bracketology expert, or you choose teams based on their mascots, there will be three weeks of occasions to drink wine. (Psst, I have Slippery Rock going all the way!) And speaking of Pennsylvania, that basketball prediction was way better than Punxsutawney Phil's who must have misspoke when he said six more weeks of winter. What he meant was six weeks of spring, then winter will come. Proving once again that global warming causes everything including sub freezing temps in March and a foot of snow. Will those deniers never learn? No problem, just another chance to cuddle up by the fire and share a nice bottle of Rutherford Cabernet. Word of warning, "beware the ides of March"! Avoid Caeser's fate. Never show up at Brutus's March Madness party without wine...especially wearing a Kentucky logo on your toga. And as if I haven't already given you ample reason to drink wine this week, St Patrick has been kind enough to throw in his special day to celebrate the eviction of those "snakey" druids and the glory of all things green. He also issued a one day pardon from all Lenten obligations...so get your Irish on, and River Dance your way to the local pub for a jig of something special...poetry in a glass...a bottle of Tapestry! Find your 4 leaf clover now before the snow so you can get lucky this week, and don't worry... the sun will shine in your back door someday, March winds will blow all your troubles away. Be grateful you aren't dead! I'm going to stand outside now, so if anybody asks I'm Outstanding!

Here's a couple original limericks to get you warmed up:

There once were two ol boys from Manassas
Who until they drank wine were Jack assess 
But when more wine was poured
They'd brag how they scored
At least in their dreams with the lasses

There once was a man from Killarney 
Who'd kissed the stone of the Blarney 
But his gift of the gab 
Was boring and drab
'til he'd uncorked a bottle of Gamay

There once was a man from Nantucket,  
who preferred his wine from a bucket,  
but this practice made waste,  
too much spilt not to taste, 
so he put in a bottle and sucked it!  

No more wine crimes...🍼

Erin Go Bragh!

She Blinded Me With Science

Adulting is hard Antoinette,

One thing I've learned over the years is that annoyances can be annoying. Those ridiculous speed bumps when you're drinking your coffee on the way to work; traffic cameras that send you a picture weeks later running a red light; and hangovers after one too many glasses of the grape when you're just trying to YOLO on a Sunday Funday. Thank goodness Progressives and scientists have been trying to rid us of many things that either we find annoying or they find annoying about us! 😉 However, what they both often fail to realize are actions have consequences, many of which are unintended. Science is great. It's eradicated polio, and created penicillin as well as many incredibly resistant bacteria. It's made buildings fire resistant with asbestos as well as spawned many feature length infomercials and class action lawsuits. It has created nuclear energy and ICBM'S to take that energy anywhere quickly if the Kimchi isn't just right. And scientists have proven without a doubt that man is the cause of global warming though tomorrow's forecast has only a 50% chance of being right (that will get a few people riled up) 😈. We all want to be healthy and safe and live an easier life, but maybe sometimes nature's way is the best way. Genetically engineered sheep are great and all, but maybe we should just leave Godzilla to Tokyo and the 70s, and leave New Zealand free from that kind of carnage, BOL!* Kiwis should focus on sauvignon blanc, and mother nature should be the only one dictating how much wine we drink. She has built in safeguards ...inebriation, hangovers and embarrassing texts that go on your permanent record. Now some "nutt" job wants to fool with mother nature again. That's right, British quack scientist David Nutt claims he's on to a secret formula that will make hangovers obsolete by 2050. Sounds nice on the surface...but the repercussions man. That would single handedly wipe out the Bloody Mary industry, put a huge dent in the breakfast buffet economy, and people would stay drunk cuz the only repercussions will be endless corny pickup lines like, if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber! Or maybe, do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material! And maybe an occasional slap in the face. Wine is meant for moderation. The hangover reminds you that you have limits. Avoid the fate of 80s radio listeners, don't be blinded by science and don't fool with Mother Nature son! Just sit beside a mountain stream, see her waters rise. Listen to the pretty sound of music as she flies. Be an adult! Limit yourself to one bottle of wine at a time. I suggest a 1.5L. Chin chin

*Baaaa Out Loud