Identity Crisis

I was wondering, if you're fat but identify as skinny are you transfat Antoinette?

I choose to identify as American...mostly because I am an American and until someone comes up with something better, I'm lucky and grateful to be one🇺🇸. Always a good reason to toast, Cheers!🍻 So what does that mean you may ask. Well of course legally speaking you can become a citizen one of four ways, by birth🤰, derivation🤱, acquisition🇰🇪 or naturalization📃...or of course if you "dream" big you can just walk or swim the border🏊‍♂️ and get a lot of vote hungry pols to retroactively enfranchise you...but be careful, they'll try and make you blue🐎! However, let's leave the Constitution out of it for a minute and talk about what really makes you American. Because unlike the rest of the world, all it takes to be an American is to buy into the system, own a large tv📺, know where the best happy hours are🍹, understand the importance of terms like TGIF😀, and be able to write in hashtag form😎. The political, economic, and social system is of course the reason people are willing to get their hair wet swimming the Rio Grande🏊‍♀️, and risk Gila Monster🦎 bites in the desert. So while you might be able to get citizenship in Japan, Norway, India or Egypt e.t.c, you can never become Japanese, Norwegian, Indian or Egyptian because there is the ethnic aspect. Instead, here in the good ol USA, there are no such requirements. We have Americans from every country on earth. Just like the man who earned his "Stripes" Bill Murray knows: We're all very different people. We're not Watusi. We're not Spartans. We're Americans, with a capital 'A', huh? You know what that means? Do ya? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world...we're mutts! Well I'm not too sure about decent, but it does mean we came here and with our collective experiences have built something better than the world has ever known🌎. E pluribus unum! 🇺🇸 

Out of many, one! Mutts🐶! The melting pot! 🍜Where US steel is forged ⚔while burning out the failures of the old world. Except now we don't seem to be melting. What about global warming you ask. In this case "melting" is a euphemism...actually maybe in both cases.🌎🔥 But I digress. Increasingly, we are becoming a salad bowl🥗 of hyphenated groups, hashtag identities, science denying wannabes🧚‍♂️🧚‍♀️, and victims without crimes who retreat to their tribal enclaves and point fingers. Identity politics has taken over for half of America causing them to feel blue🐎 while the other half is getting more red 🐘from false assumptions. This is what is evil about those that foment identity politics and tribalism. It's success depends on a targeted group to blame and vilify. Divide, even if it takes a hoax or several to "prove" your point. Claiming victimhood from racism, sexism, microaggressions, words, statues, body shaming, e.t.c e.t.c ad nauseum in America now resembles soccer⚽️ fouls on the pitch. Of course there are real occasions of bad people acting badly of which NOBODY is in favor of, but the majority are more akin to the untouched soccer player rolling around like a little girl from nonexistent contact! Yeah #metoo. Or If the NBA is a better visual, when Lebron acts like a soccer player acting like a little girl when someone half his size fouls him...good thing he moved to L.A., I hear you don't even have to be a good actor or movie to get an Oscar🏆. Speaking of the NBA🏀, it's a good idea to listen to the sage advice of legendary basketball player, Charles Barkley, who said when you're perpetrating a hate crime hoax, don't write checks! Hey Jussie, don't beat yourself up over this!🥊😂🙊🙉🙈 Pitting groups against each other might get you votes in the short term, and maybe some Americans are dumb enough #AOC, or lazy enough #basementdweller to buy the swill sold by politicians and their MSM propaganda arm, but ultimately you would just be turning a great country into exactly the kind of country where people have been escaping for generations. We don't need tribalism! We don't want hate groups, hoaxers and finger pointing from the likes of Antifa, BLM, KKK, Women's March, SPLC, Nation of Islam, BHI, Neo Nazi's, Hasson, Smollet, CB Ford👺👹🧟‍♀️🧟‍♂️🧙‍♀️...and most shamefully the MSM. Especially when it's only for political gain. Any word on top officials in Virginia lately...of course not🙈🙉🙊. If you want to be on the right side of history be right! Speak the truth. So pour yourself a glass of wine🍷. In vino veritas! And learn from the lessons of history. Identity politics is evil. It gives us fascism, communism, socialism. It's 1984. American is founded on constitutional conservatism and the liberty of the individual which is paramount to any single identity group. We aren't victims and we aren't oppressors. We are doers! Achievers! Overcomers! Miracle workers! We just celebrated the anniversary of the "Miracle on Ice!"🏒 U.S.A.! U.S.A.! So enough of the Hate Industrial Complex and their imaginary bogeymen trying to keep hate alive because otherwise they have nothing to offer. There are enough real problems in the world without manufacturing any. And fortunately there is enough booze to handle the first world problems and all the rest of the mess adults have to deal with... let's just leave the kids out of it don't you think WaPo et al? Not sure what I'm talking about?🤔 Why don't you put on some Metallica and sleep on it... Enter Sandman

Something's wrong, shut the light

Heavy thoughts tonight
And they aren't of Snow White

Dreams of war, dreams of liars

Dreams of dragon's fire
And of things that will bite, yeah

Sleep with one eye open

Gripping your pillow tight

Exit light

Enter night
Take my hand
We're off to never-never land

Purple Haze

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were Antoinette?

Well boys and girls and the hard to identify, today is a special day in our history. It's a day set aside to reflect on what MAG! A good time to count our blessings and see how far we've come. A day to remember what our 2 greatest presidents wished for all Americans...affordable mattresses🛏, rebates on cars🚗, and discounted winter merchandise🧥.  They wanted this for us so we wouldn't have reason to whine😢. In fact, not only did they give us a country to be proud🇺🇸 of by kicking out the limeys🇬🇧 and their oppressive taxes, insuring individual rights, and reunifying a country torn apart by war, but they also gave us today to drown out any lingering whines we may have by anointing today as National Drink Wine Day🥂. The good news of course is that wine🍷 is very good at reducing the whine of many. It allows us to turn a deaf ear 🙉to the silly, the inane, and the juvenile claptrap of those that make parody like "for realz" bruh. So today is a good day to buy some wine on sale, thanks to G.W. and Abe, and just laugh at the ridiculousness of the Green Day Frosh🤡 who has added an addendum to the new deal...longer recesses, no homework, and optional tests. #AOC. President's/Drink Wine Day is also a good time to look at those who have already thrown their hat or headdress, as it may be, into the powwow to be the next Big Chief. I hear you laughing, but these are serious people folks. People so woke that they identify as vegan feminists with Spartacus tendencies, or so cool that they were cheeching the weed while listening to Tupac and Snoop before they even made any music...now that's high fo shizzle! Even had one hopeful announce her candidacy outside in a blizzard 🌬❄while stressing her fear of global warming🔥. Then of course the "Squaw from Rutgers Law"🛶🙊 and life long public servant millionaire aims to level rich and poor and she's not afraid to use her tomahawk if need be. Of course these are only a few of the 184 donks that have officially announced. We are still waiting to feel the "Bern"🔥, and some are wondering whether or not they're "withher-ed" 🧙‍♀️yet, and who knows but maybe even Uncle Joe...no not Stalin #AOC...he's dead🧟‍♂️ and also unAmerican btw. So that's the stuff wine🍾 can handle. It's comical, largely unthreatening and makes reading the Onion📰 superfluous. However, sometimes...let's just call them the ironies of life, things require something stronger. So I'm going to give it to you straight, no chaser🍸. Since its Black History month it's an appropriate time to consider how fortunate we are that the racial divide has been bridged. We now believe in forgiveness and forgetfulness.🤔 In the old days a couple years ago, if a Virginia governor was linked to anything that may have racist connotations he would have been pilloried by WaPo to the tune of 150 or so articles and deemed ineligible for higher office...unless he was really blue that is.  Today when a Va governor nicknamed "Coonman" dons a KKK costume, blackface and moonwalks he just needs to give convicted felons the vote and embrace post partum abs🙊 for contrition while his white, blackfaced rapper Attorney Gen...just needs to lie low until the 24 hour news cycle expires and the MSM can move on to important issues like how they can convince the public to believe the propaganda they swill while creating bogeymen out of Russians, capitalist, real men and anyone who questions their integrity. But I digress...the good news is that racially motivated crime is way down. In fact, the only way to get an ol fashioned attempted lynching of a gay black man and pin it on fictitious "right wing white assailants" is to hire two black, Nigerian bodybuilders/actors/friends 🏋️‍♂️, pay them a few thou💰, rehearse, call 911🚔 and wait for police to arrive with rope still dangling around your neck and a story that made as much sense as a #greennewdeal🌎. Now that's progress boys and girls. Guess nobody has heard of the boy who cried wolf? Better make my drink a double barkeep! And of course in the age of instant tweet, no thought the outrage of the wannabe victim, sjw, wokes✊ of the world including the current crop of candidates was immediate and inaccurate. Imagine that?🤔 Apparently, when racism is hard to find you have the right to make it up if you feel "blue".🙈 And what's more indicative than that of the progress that we've made dating all the way back to a couple months ago when #believeallwomen was the mantra. Now you can be a Black elected official twice accused of rape without fear in Virginia, and as an accuser disbelieved even if you're blue, if that official is next in line for governor and the MSM can't divert the public's attention that is, yeah #metoo. I bet Cosby wishes he had run for office now. Hmm, maybe it's only black men who have progressed?

I'm sure Kamala will consider this in her next Snoop inspired "haze" because after all... she's Jamaican.🙊 Well at least we don't stereotype anymore K.H. , SMH. A Jamaican not smokin up the ganja must be as rare as a black army vet, left handed rock and roll guitar hero with a funny first name...IDK Jimi, maybe I'm the one in the Purple Haze...

Purple Haze was in my brain,
lately things don't seem the same,
actin' funny but I don't know why
'Scuse me while I kiss the sky.

Purple Haze all around,
don't know if I'm coming up or down.
Am I happy or in misery?
Whatever it is, that girl put a spell on me.

Purple Haze was in my eyes,
don't know if it's day or night,
you've got me blowing, blowing my mind
is it tomorrow or just the end of time?

The Circus is in Town

It's Valentine's Day this week so remember these words of love...candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker Antoinette.

Step right up, step right up ladies and gentlemen et al, you're about to behold a sight so strange, so horrifying, so utterly monstrous, that I urge you who are easily frightened or upset, who suffer from nervous disorders, weak hearts, or queasy stomachs, who experience nightmares, snowflakes and any children under the age of 30, to forgo witnessing this exhibit. There are only two kinds of freaks ladies and gentlemen. Those created by God, and those made by man. The creature in this swamp is...well, look if you must and decide.

That's right, but instead of being relegated to the sideshow, the freaks from that miasma of DC are now under the Big Top and what a 3 Ring Circus we have for you this week. First we have the "Squaw from Rutgers Law" running to be the next Big Chief. You'd have to be a racist, bigoted, misogynistic nazi not to support the wampum she's peddling🙉. Hmm, well I hear they have mysogynistic racists in Virginia. That's right, over here in this Ring we have the leadership of the Commonwealth of Virginia🙈. But while rampant racism and rapism are intolerable for some, we should just take a 'wait and see' attitude and allow for the 24hr news cycle to run out before applying it to the ones that get "our" votes, yeah #metoo. Besides blackface, kkk robes, and coonmen need to be looked at in context (like infanticide), and innocent until proven guilty even in assault charges right? #believewomen. And now turn your focus to the Center Ring where we combine racism with global warming thereby offending all and giving CNN, WaPo, NYTs and the MSM  something to talk about ad nauseam, or not...depending if it's politically expedient.🙊 

Who knew "Baby it's cold out" was such a trigger?  Despite it's obvious and condemnable misogynistic tone🤥, (completely unlike every rapper/rap song in last night's Grammys) the real problem is it's apparent implications as the theme song for denying global warming🏜. If only people understood? 🤔huh?  But hey if it weren't for double standards, Jack/Jennyasses🐎 wouldn't have any standards. In fact, the only way to keep warm (besides global warming from the braying Jack/Jennyasses🐎) in the fast approaching dystopian world of the Eloi and Morlocks is by drinking, and drinking a lot🍺🍹🍸🍷🍾. Not only is this the only way to deafen yourself to the cacophony of imbecilic policy proposals🙉, and collective predictions by the Nostradumbasses of the world🙈...you know the ones who predicted the impending apocalypse (is that 10 years A.G. or is it 12 #AOC? )... but that's all we'll have left after the #AOC and her Bff's undo a couple millennia of Western Civilization🙉. I guess they smelled napalm this morning.🤔😉🔥But maybe we should look closely at this policy proposal before lol'ing it to where it belongs🎪. So let's begin...should the earth fear us? 🌎 Well as noted scientist and almost as funny a comedian as #AOC, George Carlin, reminds us from the hereafter that the Green New Deal 🤝is another example of human hubris to think that we are anymore than "fleas"🐜 on the surface of mother earth. "Save the planet from what?" he queried. Check out our insignificance here: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BB0aFPXr4n4 We can't even save our country from a congressional takeover by middle schoolers...how are we going to save the planet? Now don't get me wrong I, like EVERYBODY else,  wants as clean an environment to live in as possible. But I also like aoc without the o! Heat in these globally warming freezing winters. And I'd prefer not to walk 40 miles to work. Lost in all this mess is that the greatest reason for the economic development in world history is the use of fossil fuels🦖. It's the reason behind the wealth, the comfort, and lifting out of poverty of the majority of the world💵🥣🏚🏡. It's how A.G. controls the climate in his 10,000 sq ft house and also his beach house. It's how the #AOC got to the store to buy her version of the #sistersofthetravelingwhitepantsuit😂. When combined with democracy🏛, individual freedom🗽 and capitalism🏦 it allows for comfort, opportunity, and a quality of life better than anywhere, anytime, and from any other idea in history. And then when you throw in a nice bottle of Barolo🍷 you can even withstand the ridiculous, insane, puerile rants of the nattering nabobs of negativism😭😱🤡. I am certainly in favor of exploring alternatives, developing greater efficiency etc, but not at the cost of bankruptcy and darkness. Incentive, ingenuity and opportunity drive the world and lead to positive results, not forced conformity, fascist dictates, and party/government controlled propaganda by the MSM where "light goes to die". "Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." Unfortunately, we are sorely lacking the common sense and wit of people like Will Rogers, and are left with the dimwits elected by the halfwits...to suborn the witless to a kind of voluntary slavery which they entered unwittingly. Baaaa!🐏 Case in point, apparently, that "Bird" 🐣from the block in the Bronx has taken the box challenge literally...take off the blinders babe, do the math, carry the one, and realize your math is wrong, your economics are nonsensical, and your obtuseness is acute. Of course what I'm talking about is in the "you can't make this up" category. The #AOC was part of a group project entitled, "The Green New Deal," where, complete with pretty crayon drawn pictures of trees🌳 and blue skies 🏖and little drips from her juice box🍼, she and her busstop friends came up with a plan to fix everything at the cost of only 1 Gazillion dollars💰...squared! The fairytale of the Princess who represents Queens and the Bronx Zoo starts off classically, "Once upon a time in the very near future when I'm the princess👸 of the whole world and have more followers than a Kardashian🤳, I am going to rebuild every building🏭 so you won't even know it's there, get rid of all combustion engines🛵, phase out air travel 🛫and replace with high speed railways🚅and merry-go-rounds 🎠to everywhere (even across oceans), give money 💸to everyone including those who don't want to work and most importantly get to net-zero, rather than zero emissions, in 10 years because we aren't sure that we'll be able to fully get rid of farting cows🐮🐂 and airplanes that fast." What's that you say? Stampede! I guess it's time to "eat mor chiken."🐓 As to which cows get eliminated you just need to refer to George Carlin again who has already broken down the 7 breeds of flatulent bovines, the ones that do the fizz, the fazz, the fizz fazz, the rip s**t, the tear ass, the snorter and the one that goes whooosh! 🤭 "And don't worry about money, if we don't have the money it doesn't matter, we will just confiscate all current wealth through taxes and then we'll just print more money because we are already in debt so what's the big diff? " Besides, “At the end of the day, this is an investment in our economy that should grow our wealth as a nation, so the question isn’t how we will pay for it, but what will we do with our new shared prosperity.” 🤔 "Well it's a bold strategy Cotton, let's see how it plays out for them." Stay tuned to the Ocho for updates. Out of the mouths of babes👙🍼, #AOC. Too bad she talks like Bhad Bhabie. Oooh, clapback! Just cash me outside! If SNL actually just let her host and talk her usual tripe they might once again actually be funny... absurd but funny. Aside: Do you think when Congress is out on recess the #AOC looks for the swing set?🤔  Well I'm pretty sure the government is already good enough at wasting people's money...so I see no reason to make it biblical in proportion and Charlton Heston isn't around anymore to save the day. Stay tuned and in the meantime how about this diddy from another Latina from the block, Christina who knows how to entertain you under the big top🎪... time to Enter the Circus

Do you want to be widely entertained

People to know your name?
Do you crave fame?
Well, they say things aren't always what they seem to be
Even your greatest fantasies
You won't believe your eyes
Won't even recognize
The wonderment that lies
Behind the shimmer and the lights

Is it true what they say?

Is it all just fun and games?
Or is there more behind the makeup
And the faces full of paint?

I ask you, do you want to come and play?

Ha ha ha ha
Get the world to come and play
Ha ha ha ha

So sit back, relax, fasten your seat belts

It's going to be a bumpy ride to the other side

Year of the Pig

Scientifically, whiskey is a solution Antoinette.

Well that was a big weekend, with more big things to come. Of course you know what I'm talking about...Punxsutawney Phil🦔 didn't see his shadow so the end of winter is in sight🌞. Of course that's welcome relief to all those suffering from frigid weather❄☃️. In fact it's been so cold that Chicago politicians are keeping their hands in their own pockets🤦‍♂️.  It's even more frigid  than the reception Weinstein received at the women's March🙊, and Bill got when he tried to "climb the Hill" after a late night at the Oval Office breaking in interns🙈. Yeah #metoo. But the coldspell has broken...and this week means bring on the heat. I'm not talking the kind of heat Gov. Northam brought on himself for promoting infanticide, black face, KKK and his ability to moonwalk as good as Michael. (Isn't it ironic that Northam donned blackface to look like Michael and Michael spent his last years trying to look white... Northam perhaps? ) This was after campaigning that the other guy👉 👎was the racist. If it weren't for double standards some people would have no standards. Anyway, what I'm talking about is the kind of heat that warms your cockles (and I'm not talking about clams, well maybe😉🙉). In fact this week is cause for a celebration because for all those who either didn't make any resolutions, or have already failed on the ones you made New Year's Eve, you get a chance at a redo...because tomorrow we celebrate the Chinese New Year🎉, so out with the Dog Days of 2018🐶, because it's time to start acting in your own self interest...bring on the Year of the Pig🐷. This year should be all about bacon, bbq, and a swinish amount of booze to wash it down. Even A. Grande 👩‍🎤got in the spirit by getting BBQ tattooed on her wrist in Japanese♌♍♏...of course she meant it to say something else, but somehow Google🤥 led her astray, what are the odds? And what are the odds that she doesn't win a Darwin 🏅award especially after "tanning" herself up so much she is being accused of cultural appropriation for looking darker than Gov Northam at a college mixer?😂 Of course she'll have lots of competition from the likes of the #AOC🤓, everybody who voted for the #AOC🙉🙉 and K. Harris🤡 who somehow thought sleeping with married Mayor Willie Brown🤣 was "movin' on up" and will lead her to the White House🏰 not the outhouse! Of course since the Chinese New Year and the SOTU happen on the same night, it's a good time to comment on the pig sty in the nation's capital🏛🐖. Where many politicians seem to act only for their own interests or their party's interest and not for American interest🐽. I'm sure the Prez will talk about MAGA, the booming economy, low unemployment, border security and relative peace e.t.c, but I also look for him to reach across the aisle and publicly endorse the HRC🧙‍♀️ for the Democratic 🐎nominee for president...it would be a nice gesture to give her another chance and to see if "What Happened" was a fluke 🦄or if she truly is the answer to the deplorables... you know... despicable🦂! Kind of like the Patriots and T Brady giving the other NFL teams 🏈another chance every year, Ugg👢! So my advice to you is break out the kazoo🎷, uncork a lil something of your favorite🍾 adult beverage, turn SOTU into a drinking game... women drink every time Trump says "very"🍹 and men drink every time they show Pelosi and her "sour"puss🍸. That way you'll be loaded and likely to start the Chinese New Year off with a bang🚀💣💥🔥. Then make a resolution to drink more🍺, eat more bacon🥓 and be hoggish🐷 about things that matter. Personally, I don't make resolutions because I don't like breaking promises. In fact I only have one rule in life, and that's never bet money 💵that you don't have on a dog race🐕 with an ex-girlfriend🐩 who happens to be a stripper👙. And so far my resolve has persevered. But I do fully expect to eat more bacon, drink more of the good stuff, applaud when our better nature shines through and laugh at the rest. Now it's time to go hog wild and bring home the bacon. I think "I got you babe" just took on a whole new meaning!🤔🐷 But don't worry, it won't cost you anything... I'm doing it Pro 'Sonny' Bono...

Babe
I got you babe
I got you babe

I got you to hold my hand
I got you to understand
I got you to walk with me
I got you to talk with me
I got you to kiss goodnight
I got you to hold me tight
I got you, I won't let go
I got you to love me so