A Christmas Story

It's that time of year again, which means it's time to find your Christmas spirit. I'll start with wine🍷 Antoinette!

That's right boys and girls it's Christmas Eve Eve🎄. That means you have 24 hours until you have to start shopping. Since I'm in Virginia and things have gotten blue👎 around here despite a booming economy, I think I'll be like Ralphie and ask Santa🎅 for additions to my gun cabinet before those who think the Constitution is unconstitutional try and ruin Virginia like the places they came from but couldn't abide to live in anymore. In fact better bring some rounds for  everybody. And while you're at it bring a round for everybody!🍻 You're welcome. Hopefully that didn't cause anyone to run for a safe space🏃‍♀️...I do know that there are several of you out there who the Italians 🇮🇹 like to refer to as Fra-gee-lay. Oh well, if you're so afraid of the dark turn on your one legged fishnet stocking clad, sexy lamp and get some light on the subject...

you know the two legged major prize sitting under the mistletoe with eggnog on her lips. Yeah #metoo!😜

And speaking of what to do and not do with your tongue... weren't we?😜... anyway never stick your tongue👅 on an ice cold pole even when triple dog dared. Warm it up first!🙉🙊🙈 We don't want to embarrass you and have to call the fire department because you couldn't get unstuck from an ice cold pole. In fact there are many other ways to put your tongue to good work like caroling. Christmas is a great time for warming up the pipes. (No this is a different subject) There are many great songs 🎶out there with deep messages, earnest hopes, and festive reveries. You can get some pipe practice in with your favorite Carol... or Sophia, or Raquel, or Maria, or especially Nadine!👄 And in fact invite them all... back up dancers are always an added bonus.

Ok👌, now that we're warmed up let's practice a few numbers. We can do the funny Christmas classic...

Jingle bells,  Batman smells, Robin laid an egg

Batmobile lost a wheel and Robin flew away. 

Or we can sing about the Scrooges. Those nefarious and specious sorts who try their hardest to ruin Christmas for the rest of us. You know... the unAmerican types who forget the principles America was founded on and hate what Christmas stands for... you know who I'm talking about... the world's most worthless Grinch...

You're a mean one, Mr. Schiff 
You really are a heel
You're as prickly as a cactus, you're as slimey as an eel, Mr. Schiff 🤥
You're a rotten banana with a greasy black peel!

You're a monster, Mr. Schiff 
Your heart's an empty room
Your brain is full of droppings, you've got sewage in your womb, Mr. Schiff 💩
I wouldn't touch you with the #fraudsquad's thirty-nine-and-a-half foot broom!

We could also sing Baby, its Cold Outside, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman⛄ or White Christmas but that might set off the crazy, victimless victim SJW's in search of victimhood which is always the number one ask on their letter📄 to Santa as long as it's understood that there are no religious connotations at all⛪... at least not Christian. Hmm, the nerve that some people have thinking the Christ in Christmas is somehow related to the Christ in Christian and that 8 pound, 6 ounce newborn infant Jesus. Of course the fact is it is Christmas, so it's important we dwell on the positive Christmas carols and spirit...oh, thanks for reminding me, 🍸. Feliz Navidad! Of course this classic can't offend anyone, right?

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at your nose
Yuletide carols being sung by a choir
And folks dressed up like Eskimos...

They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh
And every mother's child is gonna spy
To see reindeer really know how to fly

Hmm, well maybe.  Now of course spying can be good or bad. It's not nice to spy on what possible gifts you may receive even if you do use your secret decoder pin gift from Little Orphan Annie. You might be disappointed when it's just a box of ovaltine. Of course spying is also bad when they're bad at it, like Steele, or pretend anonymous whistleblowers who will undoubtedly find coal in their stocking because the best spy of all is not Bond, James Bond(he's number 2 because, well we all know... they didn't invent Bond Girls and Martinis for nothing). #metoo 

The best spy is Santa Claus of course. He's better than the NSA. He works one day a year and checks out what you're doing every other day. He knows who's naughty or nice. Hmm, I'd like to take a gander at that list. I wonder if any protesters, antifa types, PC nazi's etc. are on the nice list? Highly doubtful. They're like the bullies Scut Farkus and Grover Dill. Basically just 2 blowhards (not the good kind)🙊 who try to intimidate the masses by screaming louder🗣 and traveling in groups to intimidate the normal non retarded members of society. But of course as always happens in America, the good guys win in the end and the nice, mild mannered Ralphie gets his revenge and tears off the mask exposing the bully for the cry baby😭 phoney in need of a safe space loudmouth he is and without the use of his Red Ryder BB gun. Remember bullies, if you use bad words and are impolite to people, not only will Santa know, but you're liable to get your mouth washed out with Lifebuoy soap. 🤮

So to sum up the moral of the story, remember first to always look where you aim... no one wants to get a shot in the eye even when it's a ricochet.🙈 Triple dog dares should be left for those willing to withstand the inevitable embarrassment of getting their tongues twisted around the wrong pole and certain board games or other stocking stuffers. Don't wear so many winter layer's that you'll be needing a Lifecall medical alarm. 🤔 When attempting to bribe a teacher, liquor works better 🍾 than fruit baskets. And if the stamp on the back of your spine says fragile (fra-gee-lay) ask Santa for some Dutch courage, 🍾🍷🍸🍹🍺🍻🥂. Everyone have a Merry Christmas. And if you're a non believer... have a Merry Christmas and enjoy the day off bestowed upon you by the guy who could turn water into wine.🍷 A true Christmas miracle. Now where's my figgy pudding? 

We wish you a Merry Christmas

We wish you a Merry Christmas

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year

Good tidings we bring to you and your kin

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year

Ok👌, Ok 👌, Ok 👌...I get it!

I'm thinking of walking around with mistletoe in my back pocket so people can KMA, Antoinette. 

Ok👌, I'm sorry. I know that's not very Christmas spirit like. The Christmas season is a good time to remember to go out of your way to be nice, be deferential, be understanding, be giving, and then if you are then maybe you'll be getting. 😜 In other words, it's to be, not not to be! Ok👌 I get it. Hold on... let me drink some clarity. 🍸Ok👌 I'm good to go. Now what I'm really here for is to help you with this 2019's gift buying. And since we're one week away from what I like to refer to as the best day/ last day to buy gifts,  I think it's important to at least have some ideas in mind especially for that difficult to buy for giftee. Afterall, they probably won't appreciate the coal in their stocking even though it's just a diamond in waiting!💎 Ok👌let's get some presents under the tree and start with the person in your life who is easily triggered. 

You know the one who cries when they see a melting snowflake as a harbinger of things to come... you know like spring. Ok👌, well these people need comfort. They need security. Something to hold onto that's real and tangible and will comfort them when they venture out of their safe space where no man has gone before... for this person I suggest the new Star Trek character doll... the Baby Yoda.😱😉 Ok👌 I hear you out there, Yoda, Yoda, Yoda! Truthfully though, this gift should work equally well for the Hantzel or Greta in your life just make sure you ride your electric scooter to pick it up! And if you have trouble finding it, it's right next to the Star Wars section where you can pick up a Spock doll if that's more comforting! Ok👌 who's next. Oh wait a minute, 🍺, ok👌go on. Now what to get for that get off my lawn type. The curmudgeon, grinch, scrooge, screecher, shrill, victim type who's primary job in life is to find social media posts that set them off and give them opportunity to feign their outrage by responding with Fascist taunts, Hitler labels, Science denier, racist,  misogynist... yeah #metoo, homophobe... yeah #LGBTQExpalidocious, or the ones that are so stupid they need to be told, "Why don't you read a book?" Ok👌, now these people may seem difficult to buy for, but actually it's quite simple. Since they obviously want to be on the Right side of history I suggest giving them something to read. I'd wrap up a bundle for the long winter nights before global warming gets here🏜 that includes a copy of the Constitution, throw in the Federalist Papers, On Liberty, Democracy in America, The Americans Trilogy, The Road to Serfdom, Up From Slavery, Free to Choose, Can't is not an Option, God and Man at Yale, Who Killed the American Family, Thomas Sowell's Basic Economics, and maybe a copy of the SI swimsuit issue to provide some needed visuals🌞... yeah #metoo again! Ok👌 that should keep the "read a book" crowd happy until the big words show up then they can turn to the magazine, or if they're not into that kind of thing maybe the Hunks of the Antifa Movement Calendar🙈. I mean who wouldn't want 12 months of black clad, masked, out of shape basement dwellers beating up old people?🤔 Ok👌reading makes me thirsty, 🍷. Cheers... where were we... oh yeah,  speaking of Antifa... it's time to consider those unhappy types who are actually brave enough to venture outside to voice their displeasure. So if you happen to know, or at least suspect (because hey, they're masked) someone on your gift list being one of the brave masked souls who only run in packs spreading their thoughts on free speech, assembly, right to life, Christmas, police protection, etc., they are going to need the proper equipment. Let's help them get back to the basement safely. I'd suggest gore-tex to protect them from water cannons, a catcher's chest pad for the rubber bullets, maybe a yoga mat for when they hear the National Anthem, a rape whistle when they find themselves separated and on their own, and a whiffle ball bat so they can flail around without hurting anyone or more likely themselves. Ok👌, now that the difficult are taken care of lets consider the normal. Speaking personally, which means I think I can speak for all men... Booze, books, cigars, sports related items and since it's been about 1 year exactly since the last time they got new socks or underwear they might be due.🙊 And for the XX types, and again I think I speak for all gift buying men on this subject, something that makes the XX > XXX👙💣💥!😛🙈Time to bring global warming to the bedroom.🙉  Ok👌, I think you can figure that part out on your own,  but I would suggest a little bubbly🍾🥂 to set the mood. Remember men, it's always easier to buy gifts for someone who's easy! Just saying. Ok👌that should just about wrap🎁 this up... get it?😂 Ok👌 #boomer dad. Just remember that in this time of giving, we don't all have to agree on everything, but we can respect each other's right to believe. And if you find someone's antics to be particularly obnoxious just be like that great whale of a guy Melville who said, "The smile is the chosen vehicle of all ambiguities," and let the giftee think the best of you. Remember most of all it's the simple things in life that mean the most. Just ask Zac Brown, maybe he'll even share some Chicken Fried

It's funny how it's the little things in life that mean the most
Not where you live, what you drive or the price tag on your clothes
There's no dollar sign on a peace of mind, this I've come to know
So if you agree have a drink with me
Raise your glasses for a toast
To a little bit of chicken fried

And cold beer on a Friday night
A pair of jeans that fit just right
And the radio up
I like to see the sunrise
See the love in my woman's eyes
Feel the touch of a precious child
And know a mother's love

I thank God for my life
And for the stars and stripes
May freedom forever fly, let it ring
Salute the ones who died
The ones that give their lives so we don't have to sacrifice
All the things we love
Like our chicken fried

Clowns to the left of me...

With clowns to the left of me and jokers to the right, means we're lucky to be stuck with you Antoinette. 

Good morning America! We are into our second week of Advent which means if you're like me you still haven't done any Christmas shopping. What do you think Christmas Eve is for anyway?🥂Cheers! However, besides shopping there are still other things to occupy our time and perhaps foremost on that list is the fact that today is Weary Willie Day!🙊 Of course this stands to reason since this is the day after a weekend and perhaps if you read my blog last week you might assume that when talking about weary willie's the subject is probably stocking stuffers.🙈😉 But hold on mon frère. Remember, never assume or you'll make an ass out of u and me! And nobody cares about Uranus because actually what Weary Willie Day is is the day set aside to recognize clowning and its impact on our lives🤡. Emmett Kelly developed Weary Willie in 1898 as the sad, down on his luck clown😒 as opposed to the goofy clown🤡 and long before the creation of the scary clown👹. What's important about this day is the perpetual clown show🎪 we find ourselves in currently that has all these representatives and one of the biggest motivations to drink.🍺 The clown car is filled to the brim you might say. And speaking of scary clown and Uranus, the newest craze for the crazy clowns out there is something called Perineum Sunning! You heard/ smelled that right. The newest health craze for the scary wellness clowns is getting some sun where the sun don't shine. 🌑🙊🙉🙈🌞😷🤡! In case you're interested in this particular act of clowning and want to get your shot of vitamin D anally, then you should consider following noted, and I'm not making this up, butthole sunning influencer "Ra of Earth" for step by step guide to worshipping the sun with your backdoor. I don't know about you, but that sounds Gaia!🌎 Now along the same lines (though obviously not tan lines) and staying with the scary as well as goofy clown theme that makes other clowns sad, we arrive at the ultimate clown show, more commonly known as the Schiff Show💩. You're probably gonna want to refill your glass at this point. 🍸That should remove the taint from what I'm about to share with you. 🤮 Of course impeachment is a serious thing so I guess serious and sad clown is appropriate... the problem is that impeachment because "you" lost an election, and suffer TDS, and don't like the things the Prez tweets about you, and as a deflection to acts that you yourself are guilty of is clownish to the extreme! That's the deranged clown!👺Especially when you can provide not one fact, only supposition and hearsay and there wasn't any quo for the quid. But hey, as impeachers and clown whisperers made plain, "hearsay can be much better evidence than first hand information." Huh? 🤔 Barkeep...

Of course the impeachment hoax is a clown show, and with no football 🏈on during the daytime it's nice to have escapist television to watch since it's hard to find old Three Stooges episodes anymore. So if you're still in the mood for some clowning around you could dig up famous non-sexist Howard Stern interview with #HRC if you're still #withher. You can even hear how she believes everyone is a Russian agent except her who's foundation is filled with rubles. If you don't believe me just read her emails. Oh wait... you can't. In that case try reading anything those clowns of the #fraudsquad say...or  maybe visit them at their favorite haunt, Chuck E Cheese...that will give you more chuckles than a Senator Schumer!🤔😂 Btw, "if a clown farts, does it smell funny?" - Eric Swalwell.🙉 Speaking of stupid things that make you laugh, Nancy Pelosi said, "Unemployment benefits create jobs faster than almost any initiative you can name." She also said, "just because you're here illegally doesn't mean you broke any laws."🤔 Of course you could listen to Uncle Joe for what is known as incoherent laughs, or creepy clown laughs when he recounts kids playing with his hairy legs at the pool. 😱And let's not forget the clown show known as the MSM... you know the nattering nabobs of negativism 🤪who have had a chokehold on public opinion for decades and have recast themselves as the public relations arm of the progressive agenda. (Read propaganda arm) Hitler and Goebbels got nothing on these guys. Consider this important piece of investigative journalism from that reputable rag, Business Insider..."Trump's salt and pepper shakers 🧂tower over everyone else's." Their conclusion... must be a power move. That would be clownish... or maybe it was just a slow news day, and that was as creative as the MSM could be in their TDS stories. Hey every article can't be a winner... Just stick to the mantra,  "if at first you don't impeach, then try, try again." Well I think I've clowned around enough and besides I've worked up a thirst. 🍷Ahhh! Saluti. Well I could have talked about the three clowns who will be left after the first few primaries.  You know, the one who wants to buy the election with his money before the Bloom wears off, and the 2 who want to buy the election with our money... the only two candidates who will be left of color... both Red... the Squaw and the Commie. But all this clowning has got me down like Weary Willie. Kind of like the the Clown whisperers who piled out of their REO Speedwagon and are trying to Take it on the Run...

But I know the neighborhood

And talk is cheap when the story is good

And the tales grow taller on down the line

But I'm telling you, babe

That I don't think it's true, babe

And even if it is keep this in mind

You take it on the run baby

If that's the way you want it baby

Then I don't want you around

I don't believe it, not for a minute

You're under the gun so you take it on the run

You're thinking up your white lies

You're putting on your bedroom eyes

You say you're coming home but you won't say when

But I can feel it coming

If you leave tonight keep running

And you need never look back again...

Heard it from a friend who

Heard it from a friend who

Heard it from another you been messin' around

Immature Humor for Mature Audience! 🙈🙉🙊

Just think if you warm the planet by burning fossil fuels, then you won't need fossil fuels to warm up thereby saving the planet, Antoinette!

Now that December is upon us, and winter is herefor at least what is it...10 more years? Greta?#AOC? It's also Advent! The season leading up to the birth of that 8 pound 6 ounce new born baby Jesus don't even know a word yet! Of course we all know Jesus was immaculately conceived, but Advent comes from the Latin and means coming, and that's how the rest of us make babies.🙉 Anyway it's cozying up season... and Baby it's cold outside which means there are 2 ways... well 2 fun ways to get warm. Adult beverages 🍻and a little advice from Salt-N-Peppa so let's talk about sex, baby! Since, the as yet not warmed up planet forces us inside, and all that time spent cooped up in a dark tight place in close contact with another will inevitably cause a physical reaction...why do you think you have so much silverware? All that spooning and forking going on (Dad joke 1). 😂 Now of course these days we live in a highly sexualized climate and you can identify sexually anyway you want and with anyone you want, or if you're in a bit of rut in the mating game...you can even take matters into your own hands so to speak and label yourself self partnered like Emma Watson! Of course we all saw that coming considering her choices...nobody wants a Hairy Potter...I prefer the Demi haired potter in Ghost! (Dad Joke 2). So whether you believe in science and the fact that there are 2 baby making genders, or believe in the Baskin Robbins menu of sexual options where there are 2, 3, 7, 16 or 31 flavors of sexual preferences/genders... the choice is yours. I just suggest adding a little holiday sprinkle, or perhaps a sweet sauce to your banana split. 🍌🍨😜 Now in case you weren't aware I'll run through some of the flavors du jour in case you want to change up your advent calendar... but I would also suggest coupling it with a different favorite adult beverage everyday. It's the holiday season and we all know nothing goes better with a stocking stuffing than adult beverages!🙉🍾🍷🍸Now to begin things let's start with the lonely. If you are like Emma and self partnered, then of course you are going to have to rely on yourself...a self- sexual. Now the #LGBTQXPALIDOCIOUS community may define this differently, but let's not kid ourselves, we all know what this is...Self meet Rosy! But beware of harmful side effects... hairy palms etc. 🙊 Remember nearly every hand you shake has had a banana in it...food for thought!🍌Now Asexual I'm confused about .... A sexual what? You mean they don't like anyone? Just show them the S.I. swimsuit edition...centerfolds....or Google a very large sporting goods store...well you figure it out, but if you're asexual then what is the point? Remember, you don't have to make a life, to get a life... get it?🤔 Ok, now for Pansexual. This of course means anyone who can get turned on by anything including a pan which may seem odd, because I've never really seen a sexy pan, but I have seen a sexy panhandler... no not the one at the intersection🤮. Come va Giada!

But as far as pans go, how does that work? I always think of them as cold and rigid, but we do know they can heat up...just butter them up first. And remember, a little oil will keep anything from getting stuck where it's not supposed to. 🍳 Then of course we also have transsexual. While I'm not sure if this refers to transmissions, the hot transfer student, Transylvanians, or the TransAm...I mean that was a hot car... just ask Sheriff Buford T. Justice who was also into role play I guess. 

The important thing to remember is when you're having sex with someone else and presumably they have been asked, and are a conscious, willing participant...I know #metoo... you need to be responsive to their needs. Now I'm not sure how Caitlyn J handles it... well I guess there's no handling anymore now that the famous pole vaulter broke his pole. I wonder if Caitlin would win a sexual assualt case against Bruce?🤔 Actually, I wonder if Bruce would win a sexual assault case and decapitation charge against Caitlin? 🙈🙊🙉  As for the rest of you eating whatever flavor floats your boat... remember "I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!" In other words... share your cream with each other. And in Emma's case and the like who will be scooping their own...maybe just hum a tune like  Hey diddle, diddle... the cat and the fiddle. Or better yet, role play and be the Boss and sing to Rosalita...

I ain't here on business, baby, I'm only here for fun

And Rosie, you're the one

Rosalita, jump a little higher

Senorita, come sit by my fire

I just want to be your lover, ain't no liar

Rosalita, you're my stone desire.