Time to save the world!

I make wine disappear, what's your superpower Antoinette?

Well America now that we've survived the travel, Thanksgiving Day tensions, tryptophan laden Turkey, Black Friday, rivalry Saturday, and a Sunday when you start thinking about what you can wear that fits the extra ten pounds, it's time to start thinking about how to make this world a better place. And just like it helped you get through the holiday, Wine will help you make the world better so let's uncork and get to it! 🍾Some things are easy fixes like remembering the adage for this time of year,  "Fall Back", where you adjust the scales 10lbs lighter. You're welcome!🤜🤛 Other things require a little effort, but are worth it such as the gentle reminder for later in the week when it's National Package Protection Day. However, and guys back me up on this one, you should protect your package everyday whether it's wrapped are not! 🙊 Remember, packages come in all shapes and sizes, so your level of protection will vary but a little insurance is always advisable.🙈 Don't be careless...or as we say in the package protection world...don't get Bobbited!🙉 I think I just put a bowtie on that issue!🎁 Now some other issues are more problematic. Mainly because they seem to be manufactured grievances and issues in search of a problem. For instance, I think it's only fair that if we're going to protect packages, then the least we can do is allow "lady parts" to have a monologue. 🤷‍♀️I mean how else are we going to know what they're thinking?🤔 But apparently some incredibly woke individuals at Eastern Michigan and other Universities decided that the long running and popular play, "Lady Parts Talking About Themselves By Themselves" should be cancelled due to lack of diversity and inclusion because not all women have Lady Parts, Huh?🙅‍♀️ A point  that I believe Hugh Hefner would argue if he could. Apparently it doesn't recognize the "...diverse representations of women" which could include men who think like women🧚‍♂️. Hmm! Well discounting the man purse, man bun and the Real Housewives of MSNBC and CNN "male" types, this of course begs the question of AYFKM? Of course Feminists who actually studied biology are incensed that they are now relegated to that most hated of all groups...the establishment. XX/XY And those who apparently weren't required to pass science in order to get into college are the new inmates running the asylum. In its place American University and Mount Holyoke have decided to produce a new play called "Breaking Ground Monologues" ...to be all inclusive unless you're so neanderthal and a nonscience denier who thinks there are only 2 sexes. I think this train needs to derail🚅. Things don't need to be relatable to all people and aren't exclusionary if they don't. Every commercial, show, campaign, e.t.c doesn't need to be the United Colors of Benetton...#metoo. The same goes for wine🍷...all for one and one for all is great if you're a Musketeer🤺, but would be worse than a 24/7 Justin Bieber concert if everyone had to drink only 1 wine all the time🙈🙉🙊. I wonder if the cultural appropriationists are "woke" to this yet? Universities should be for serious academic inquiry, college football and toga parties🍻, not "creationists" political science breeding grounds for alternate fabricated universes and safe spaces. Speaking of which, Trinity University in England has decided that Profs should no longer use the words do and don't, nor should they write in CAPITAL LETTERS! Apparently this causes anxiety! The university also urges professors to be "explicit about any inexplicitness." 😟 You can't make this stuff up! Another university, Manchester, in an effort to alleviate the global problem of snowflake anxiety says no more clapping or cheering because of what it does to those with anxiety or sensory issues. Instead they should just use "air claps" and smiles to show approval, SMH. Now while I'm aware of the problems associated with the "clap"🙊,... no cheering?🙉 What do you do after a rousing lecture on the 6 and counting genders? Maybe it's time we thinned the herd a little bit? What? I can't say things like that? Ok, well then the solution to these and pretty much every problem is to follow my lead...do what I do...say what I say...and head to the only safe space necessary...the wine cellar! Then pour yourself a large glass of STHU! It's the first step to salvation, the path to righteousness, and the universally recognized key to self actualization. Trust me...I drink wine, I know things. Then venture out of the basement snowflakes, and listen to your Uncle Kracker who knows to Follow Me...
You don't know how you met me
You don't know why
You can't turn around
And say goodbye

All you know is when I'm with you
I make you free
And swim through your veins
Like a fish in the sea

I'm singin'
Follow me
Everything is all right
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

Leave the door ajar and give thanks!

Remember the door can be ajar, but the jar is never adoor, Antoinette. 

Well America it's officially the start of the holiday season. The week of Thanksgiving begins our yearly tradition of finding what's in the back of the closet, the attic, the storage shed, under the bed, and in the dankest corners of the basement searching for decorations, grandma's silverware, and the Turkey platter. Don't mind the person hiding behind the computer screen in the basement...it's not Michael Myers🧟‍♂️, it's your millennial🤷‍♂️🤷‍♀️. You'll recognize them by the skinny jeans, selfie stick🤳, ear buds, use of internet lingo, and reliance on hashtags to garner #relevance...yeah #metoo! Probably best to just ignore them, otherwise you might trigger🔫 them and then you'll just have to build an addition to your home as a safe space🏰. On the other hand the holidays🍗🎅 should be a time of togetherness not division. Family gatherings shouldn't be free for all's of discordance and divisiveness over first world problems🌎. It's time we start deflating the mountains🌋 into molehills🏝 where they belong. (I hope the use of the word deflating didn't trigger Tom B🏈! He's not a millennial is he? Hmm, well he does wear Uggs,🤔) Sorry. I lost track... where was I? Oh yeah... it's time we recognize how good we really have things. Unlike times when America🇺🇸 faced bigger problems, greater divisions, and were more concerned with "sticks and stones" than harmless words. We should remember to give thanks to those earlier Americans who gave all 🗽so that we can live our often silly lives, with petty arguments fought incognito behind social media outlets⌨🖱 with Google for a brain and where the ultimate death after puerile rants is an unfollow. Of course that's better than bloodshed, but that's because someone else's blood has given us this lifestyle. Ironic that many of the statues🗿 that cause such triggering are of those who risked their lives facing off with others while each had a finger on a trigger🔫⚔. You know... those willing to give "the last full measure of devotion!" In fact, since this is the 7 score and 15th anny of the Gettysburg Address📃, it's a good time to remember that the Great Man in Whiskers who really did deal with whole world problems, bloody divisiveness, and Civil War level partisanship saw past that and reminded us of our obligation to not let the sacrifice of the honored dead die in vain. Edwin Everett was the keynote speaker that day. He was a profound orator and gave a 2 hour speech. Upon hearing Abe's speech and the mixed review that followed afterwards based strictly along partisan lines, proclaimed "Lincoln said in two minutes what I couldn't say in two hours."👏 Of course the lesson here is to look past partisanship, take heed from the greatest two minute speech in history after the bloodiest battle in the Western Hemisphere, and remember family, friends and our fellow Americans come first🤜🤛. And the best way to give thanks, though I've taken a roundabout way to get to it is to open a bottle of wine🍾🍷🥂 and share with all no matter what their hashtag # of choice is. Never let your first world problem be lack of wine🙈🙉🙊😢, or a corkscrew for that matter.Time to bring family and friends together and talk Turkey🦃, how Pocahontas started welcome wagon (the real one not the faux one😉) and how much better it would have been if Cowboys🤠 and Redskins✋🛶 settled their differences on the gridiron. And after the game how about I open another bottle of wine 🍾and let's all play a game🎲. Who's up for millennial monopoly? 😂 Time to give thanks and come together America. Let's pass Go and collect $200, cuz we don't want to be a nation that becomes The Drifters, living Under the Boardwalk...

down by the sea, yeah
On a blanket with my baby is where I'll be

Out of the sun
(Under the boardwalk) We'll be havin' some fun
(Under the boardwalk) People walking above
(Under the boardwalk) We'll be fallin' in love
(Under the boardwalk) Yeah (boardwalk)

Paris is a Moveable Feast

Believe it or not,  the French are known for more than just fries, toast and yellow mustard Antoinette.

Bonjour mes amis. As my fellow Amèricain EH (Papa) noted many years ago, you are lucky if you've lived in Paris🗼, and even more so if you have been fortunate enough to travel there often over the years, for Paris is a moveable feast.🍗 It's always satisfyingly the same, but always temptingly new. It stays with you and invites you back much like each new bottle of wine🍷🥂...and nothing goes better with a feast than a bottle of wine no matter where it moves🌍. Now contrary to public opinion I did not come to France to escape the "blues" in the house🏛. That's just Waters under the bridge...you know...where ugly ol' trolls live to the Max👹🙈. Au contraire...I came for le vin rouge🍷, les èdifices blanc🏰, and le ciel bleu of Paris🏙. In other words, the good ol Red, White and Blue🇺🇸...with a gallic twist🇫🇷. Now as it so happened the President was there as well to honor 🗣the veterans of the Great War on the 100th anniversary of the Armistice and I presume to MFGA! Well this got me thinking as I ambled around what else...the "City of Lights" with my best  Rodin's Thinking Man expression👨‍🎨...what if all this was a metaphor for America to sign a truce with itself? 🤔Hmm...tres existential! Je pense donc je suis! Which loosely translates as "in each election the reds win some, and the blues win some, but the only way Americans win is if they work together for the greater good". Voila! So instead of being upset at what you lost...we'll leave that to Tay Tays 👩‍🎤next song about the loss of her man to another woman, and being BurnedBlack🙊. Ouch! Touchè! Instead, let's consider the missing ingredient, add it to the recipe for this place we call 'merica and can think of as a Fondue...where we melt together for strength and shared aspirations instead of this current path towards a salad bowl 🥗of separate identities and "victimized" recessives😩. That's just rabbit food🐰! Time to strengthen the herd🐂. What's the missing ingredient you ask? Well it's actually 2 things...the first is the heat...it's the only way you get a melting pot! Americans have endured the heat from the Revolution, ...to the Civil War...to the Great War,  WWII, e.t.c...our steel has been forged. And the only way to bridge the final gap between the red and the blue is to provide the white...no I'm not talking about Elmer's Glue...this is an adult blog not elementary school. Adults solve their problems with alcohol🙉, and in this case the French can be of more help than they were with Lafayette...they can provide the white...better known as champagne🍾. It's representative of what Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of happiness is all about as well as Libertè, Ègalitè, and Fraternitè for you frogs🐸... in other words, let's pour some champagne, raise our glasses in salút to each other and to the Ties that Bind...if you don't believe me ask the Boss...

You been hurt and you're all cried out you say
You walk down the street pushin' people outta your way
You packed your bags and all alone you want to ride
You don't want nothin', don't need no one by your side
You're walkin' tough baby, but you're walkin' blind
To the ties that bind

Fortnite Dancing

Rock, Paper, Scissors is a video game dance move, good for TD celebrations and how to settle who goes on a wine run Antoinette.

Well America it's election eve which means it's a good time to take stock and count our many blessings🇺🇸. The time has come to appreciate all that we have going for us, and that despite a world with real problems and issues that need confronting and tackling head on instead of grandstanding, politicking, moral preening and fake solutions for nonexistant problems, our glasses are half full and optimism is our future! So let's top those off and hopefully we can get our mugs to follow along! (Give it a second🍵🗿🤔...ok you got it😁!) Time to celebrate our peace and prosperity! Now uncork the wine and raise your favorite glass of Red🍷 or White🥂 cuz we certainly don't want to be Blue🌊🙁! Then after we get loaded up on our favorite whine reducing wine, it's time to break out the dancing shoes, don our best orange shirt, strap on the backpack and 🕺bust a move💃 for an entire Fortnite🎮 celebrating good things. For starters let's Floss away unemployment as we hit record employment numbers, then Hype up the highest GDP 📈growth in decades, and break out the Fresh Carlton to the strongest economy we've had in years. Might as well Dab to wage gains💵 for all groups, while Kicking Your Heels and Making it Rain to less taxes📉. Then notice how the Middle East is on a Smooth Tidy Ride towards peace and stability✌ fo shizzle with a disappearing ISIS, then Best Mate with a friendlier Iraq🤝. And what would make you want get Gangnam Style and Ride a Pony more than disarmament on the Korean peninsula, while our now stronger 👊military can do the Hootenanny, put on a Gun Show💪, then Squat Kick to their resurgence while the rest of us can Brush our Shoulders then do the Turk Dance to less big brother regulations👤. You know what that means... more money to spend on wine 🍾and more things to celebrate. So grab your Seinfeld friends and begin the Slow Clap👏, then Step It Up , Click Your Toes together, and dance in Jubilation...as you Give the L 👆to the Blues🦄🌊 as you Sprinkle Some Pure Salt on that wound...then Kiss, Kiss💋 them goodbye so you can Rock Out before you get Flippin Sexy... cuz you know what time it is America🕛...it's time for some Orange Justice...MAGA. Time to drop that needle so I'm gonna Worm my way outta here! I may not be a Young MC, but I know how to Bust a Move Poindexter...

Next days function high class luncheon
Food is served and you're stone-cold munchin'
Music comes on people start to dance
But then you ate so much you nearly split your pants
A girl starts walking guys start gawking
Sits down next to you and starts talking
Says she wants to dance cause she likes to groove
So come on fatso and just bust a move