The Buffalo Theory

Sticks and stones Antoinette,

Where has the greatest generation gone? Remember when Americans stormed the beaches of Normandy under deadly fire, charged up Mt. Suribachi and planted Old Glory on Iwo Jima, sent Bruce Willis and the boys to blow up the asteroid thus avoiding Armageddon. Now everyone needs a safe space. LeBron is offended by Phil's words. Snowflakes are melting over the election...pundits and pollsters are pixelated and perplexed over their propensity to predict wrongly so much so that they prevaricate to protect their pious perch and lack of prognostication. Phew! The real problem is that what we are putting in our bodies is making us dumber, slower, weaker, more cowardly, thin skinned and likely to do ridiculous things like mannequin challenges and hiding behind the Internet firewall to attack people on social media with silly memes. I blame fruit smoothies, double mocha lattes with soy milk and pomegranate with acai juice...they are poisoning us and turning our brain to mush. But don't worry, I have the solution. WINE! The way for America to get back on its feet is to flush the cleanses, and pour the vino! It's survival of the fittest and we don't want to go the way of the Dodo bird and Atlantis. We want to rebound strong like the buffalo and wine is the magic potion, especially a nice Barolo or Napa Cab. I'll explain using the Buffalo Theory*...a herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest so when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd because the general speed and health is improved by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest cells. As we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of wine eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. This is why you always feel smarter, stronger, braver, and way more attractive after a few bottles of your favorite grape. So Crush Jeopardy, repel asteroids, protect democracy and get your game on from just one bottle of wine!

*Credit for this inspiration goes to Cliff Claven. You can find him sitting next to Norm at the bar...

Cheers!