Health Improvement Guide!

Gesundheit, because Germans care about your health Antoinette.

Breaking News! Breaking News! Here's some news for the gentlemen out there with some benefits for the ladies as well. If this doesn't shake the Monday blues nothing will. Several important health discoveries came to light recently which may surprise most, but have been the foundation of my personal health plan since... well let's not get into that. First, a 25 year study in Chicago (no address given..hmm?)  determined that if a man worked out heavily, and even if you were lucky enough to survive Rahm Emmanuels shooting gallery of a city, you would be twice as likely to suffer from heart disease compared to couch potatoes and those whose idea of exercise was the 12oz curl coupled with a cheese curl. The news was even graver for white males... who were 86% more likely to suffer arterial hardening after years of dedicated gym time. And speaking of hardening, in a second discovery several studies have found that of all the alcoholic beverages you can have before doing the horizontal mambo, red wine🍷 is the only one that can actually enhance and improve your ooh la la. Apparently, red wine boosts testosterone in men, solves all those problems we hear about on tv commercials without the 10 million life threatening side effects, causes increased blood flow to the areas in question for both men and women, stokes desire and will have you smoking a Gauloises and saying ooh la la before you can say stop, drop, and roll baby cuz you are on fire.🔥Not to mention, that satisfactory smile will increase for you guys knowing that it's in your best interest healthwise to stay in bed and skip the gym. And what could possibly make this news better? What if I told you that America's oldest living veteran smokes 12 cigars a day, just renewed his drivers license, and doesn't mind mixing a little of the brown liquor into his coca cola...at 111 years of age. 🎉Learn from your elders I was always taught, so I'm going to start modeling Richard Overton of Texas. Of course, you may want to smoke the cigar after your female companion goes to the gym... remember ladies, the study only said men shouldn't work out, 😉. It's time we men started taking better care of ourselves and skip those sweaty, good for nothing workout sessions. Besides, those weights are heavy. Do what the doctor ordered, stay home and uncork a bottle of nature's P.E.D. with your lucky someone... red wine...nature's xtc and blue pill in a bottle meant for two.*  Real men don't use ruffis or Hollywood couches to woo women, they do it the old fashioned way... red wine and cheesy pick up lines...like "baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call FINE PRINT!" Remember, Wein-Stein is just a mug of beer in German. I don't even know what that means, but drink red wine and it won't even matter. There you have it men, skip the gym for a healthy life, spice up your love life with red wine and smoke all the Cohibas you want. Just remember and heed this Platter of knowledge...They said some day you'll find, All who love are blind
When your heart's on fire, you must realize
Smoke gets in your eyes.

*There are side effects...the red wine diet has been known to cause excessive hangover and children when overindulged.